Month: April 2012

We’re All Broken

Posted on

With each passing day, I am confronted with the fact that I am a textbook case of astrological Cancer.

Emotions be damned. I’m never going to have a full hand over them, and that’s a reality I’m going to need to live with. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it is both a curse and a blessing.

Ideas strike me at the most random of moments.

A curse in the sense that sometimes I’m not very good at hiding at what I am feeling. I become as clear and transparent as an ice-cold lake in the early stages of winter. A blessing in the sense that I get to experience a whirlwind of things daily that serves as an inspiration to so many things in my life. My novel, my short stories, photographs, or stories I want to tell in the future.

Everything has a purpose, right?

Seriously. Pick up the damn phone.

The question I’m proposing to the universe this late evening is this: Why do men always want to discuss topics of importance over text message? Why not call? Or ask me to my face when you see me in person? Don’t text me the whole dilemma over a text message. Not only is it difficult to read, but it’s very impersonal and tells me that you didn’t care enough to ask/talk in any other way.

I’m a writer myself, but I only put pen to paper to describe my feelings when I can’t articulate what I’m feeling in words coming out of my mouth. I know that sounds ridiculous, but things tend to flow better in  ink. Especially lately when my brain doesn’t seem to connect to my mouth all that well. Lots of “blaaaaaah haisealskh”has been spoken this weekend.

Foot in mouth syndrome at its worst.

Just lagging behind in my intelligence. On all fronts. Is this what happens when you graduate? You lose all semblance of critical thinking? Your brain deteriorates? That’s what it’s feeling like, anyways.

“There is always more surface to a shatter object than a whole.”

Wise and insightful words from the avant-garde author, Djuna Barnes.

You must take everyone who wears a hat with that much sass seriously at all times.

It’s an interesting thing to ponder when in the back of my mind I’m right there in England celebrating the 1-year anniversary with Kate Middleton and Prince William, or as they are dutifully called now, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. It’s really been a year since they exchanged their vows and proved to the world that fairy tale weddings really do come true.

One year later, and still as cute as ever.

In fact, I think they are now more in love than when they were in the engagement process. But I’m judging this solely off photos presented to me by the mass media and paparazzi. Regardless, they seem uberly happy with their new dog and despite the nasty mill of rumors that keeps whirling about whether or not Kate is pregnant or not.

Let the rumors die already! So she refused some peanut paste.Maybe she has a small peanut allergy.

Let them be, society. They will get pregnant when they want to, or when a higher force deems it right for it to happen. You can’t force these things and it is no longer the 17th century when a dynasty was based on whether an heir was born to the throne or not. Even then, that was an utterly ridiculous belief.

At least we’ve reached the point in society where a woman can assume the throne and rules it just as well, if not 10 times better, than any man who would assume the throne. Sorry, Prince William, but I bet Kate would be a kick ass Queen. I’m quite excited to see what types of things Kate will bring about in their time of reign, She is a beauty with a sharp fashion sense and real knack for public appearances. All a part of her position as wife and Duchess, yes, but just because she married into royalty doesn’t mean she’s going to be good at the role suddenly thrust upon her.

Grade A to be given at her first flying solo event. Plus extra credit points for towering over these people.

Some of us are naturally gifted when put in front of an audience.

There isn’t a day I don’t miss  my princess duties. Oh yea, I was a princess once upon a time. Not on the same scale as our beloved Duchess, but a princess none the less, and once a princess, always a princess.

It says so on a plaque in my room 🙂

There are bound to be experiences in our lives that break us, mend us from that breakage, possibly break us all over again, and at some point, I like to think we heal. In due time, we all find something that makes us feel 100% again. Although I have read and heard quite the opposite where people experience something so grave that there is no going back.

As Frodo says in the Lord of the Rings, “There are some things that time cannot heal. Some wounds go to deep, and in your heart you begin to understand. There is no going back.”

A broken heart is one such wound. There is no going back. The heart will mend, the soul and body will move on, but the emotional scarring will always remain. Like an actual wound. The scar will always remain if the initial injury was deep enough.

Save me, Prince Charming, wherever you are.

I’ve also heard that when you meet “the one”, he erases all that past pain, mends all the scars (like a magical Vitamin E tablet or something.) I guess I’ll found out the validity of that statement when the time comes. If the time ever comes. The romantic in me really believes this day will come. I just wish I knew when it was.

Alright, that’s enough rambling about how much of a broken-hearted old soul I am. It about that time I crawl between the sheets anyways.

When I open my eyes, it  will be the start of my last day of classes. Fancy that. My career at the Academy is drawing to a close. It’s a feeling of melancholy and sweetness. I’ll let you  know how I’m feeling as the week progresses.

I can almost taste the eternal freedom!

Until then, bonne nuit and bonne soir. Depending on when you read this, of course 🙂

Good Night, Paris! I'll see you at midnight one day.
Advertisements

My Own Worst Critic Needs to Stop Talking Already

Posted on Updated on

Restless. I feel downright restless, and antsy. I’m feeling really, really antsy.

Feeling like I need to head for the horizon

Basically, it all comes down to wanting someone to hire me. Please…anyone? I’m a strong writer and have excellent editing skills. I’m quite a creative thinker! Really, I am. I can show you my online portfolio if you want to see examples of my work from all sorts of areas. Design, writing, video, photography skills…I have them all. So, now, all I need is an interview!

I know some higher power will prevail. They will make the job opportunity come my way when I’m ready for it. But, let’s think about this…when did I suddenly become one to need a plan? I’ve never need a plan before in my life. Never ever ever! So, why am I suddenly caused such anxiety to not have a job lined up after I graduate? Why am I sweating bullet when I see friends post things on Facebook about how they have a new job or have an interview?

If the President is allowed to sweat bullets, so am I.

The answer is simple: I’ve always been one to succeed, and to suddenly not succeed at something, it hurts more than just my head. It hurts everything I’ve stood for in the last 20-some years of my life. Whenever I’ve set out to do something, I’ve made damn sure I’ve succeeded at it. If the first time around I wasn’t on top of my game, I made sure to improve upon it. I’m a very hard worker and my own worst critic. People will tell me I have great work ahead of me, or that I am on the way to something great, but it’s never good enough. I suppose that’s called being a perfectionist, but really, I just want everything I do to be the best.

I'm a novice, but was just told by my prof I have a great eye. Another career path, perhaps?

My photo class this semester was a real testament to that. Every week, I would sit on my hands and hope to the high heavens my photo from the previous week would have been selected by my classmates as the top photo. I was in the top 5 a few times, even #1 another time. But the weeks when my photo just didn’t make the cut…my stomach felt sour. Now, I’m pretty upfront with the fact that I’m a novice when it comes to photography. Hence why I am in a photo class. I’m not the best at it, but I’m getting better, and my progress in the class is a sign to that being true.

You’re also reading the rantings of a girl who spends three days making tiny adjustments to her resume and cover letter before sending it off on the day she told herself she would send it. Or I’m just full of procrastination. Either one, it gets my blood pumping when I know I need to get my butt in gear. Deadlines…I tell ya, they are what really make me produce great work. You don’t have time to think things through entirely. You don’t have time to process if what you’re saying is making sense. You just go. If you’re lucky, you have a  few minutes to look over what you’ve written for total lunacy, but other than that, you’re trusting your fingers and brain connected on a variety of levels.

Deadlines are a drug.

To be sure, they usually do. For me, you have to turn off that little voice in the back of your head saying “Don’t type that” or “That’s a stupid idea.” Just go with the flow.

Repeat more than once.

SEE? I used to believe in that philosophy all the time. College has corrupted me.

“Listen to me. I’m smarter, older. If you live to be a hundred and twenty, you are not going to be as smart as I am in one finger. You may weigh more, but you’re not gonna be smarter.”

Harsh, but truer words have never been spoken by Judge Judith Sheindlin, a seminal force in small claims court.

If you don't love Judge Judy, you're not an American (Kidding!)

How is those people are managing to get interviews and jobs, and I can’t? What trick do they have up their sleeves in the application process that I don’t have? It’ incredibly disheartening, especially when professionals look at my resume and tell me I’ have wonderful experience on my resume. Then, what am I doing wrong? I honestly have no idea. Ugh…so the job hunt continues, and I have only just started. Can I please just not be one of those people who takes a job because they’re desperate and then end up hating their lives 3 months into the gig? First, interview. Then, job acceptance. Then, self-loathing.

The best part of my work day?

Fingers crossed for a job I enjoy!!

Hopefully will say this about my first Big Girl Job.

But, let’s let these worries go at least for the evening. It is, after all, Friday! And what do I love more than making my Friday fabulous? Yes, that’s right! Fabulous Friday is heading your way, and its coming right now. Here are the things that made my week and my Fabulous Friday:

Fabulous Dose of Glitter:

A dash of glitter takes a mini flask to a whole new level.

Fabulous Ladies of Comedy:

Female Fierce at its best: Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph, and Tina Fey. Love these Ladies.

Fabulous Print for Spring:

Flowy and floral is quite a feminine combination.

Fabulous Hairstyle for a Breezy Spring Day:

Hold your hair back with a head scarf. It'll still allow your hair to become naturally-wind tousled, but keep you looking fresh and cute with your hair out of your face.

Fabulous 90s Kids Flashback:

Anyone who didn't do or think this with their Crayola markers wasn't a kid of the 90s.

Fabulous Spring Treat: Find the recipe here. (PS – The recipe is in Italian, so you may want to find a great online translator. Try Google!)

Pink Strawberry Crostatine

Fabulous Laugh:

It's a stretch, but its pretty darn convenient.

Fabulous Adoration:

Fabulous Party Decoration:

There will be one of these at my wedding...or my own private Oscars after-party (per my Best Actress win, of course.)

Fabulous Goal for the Summer:

How I function in my room with organization is beyond me.

Fabulous Lessons from “Friends”:

Everything I learned about life, I learned from my "Friends."

Fabulous Old School Knowledge:

Back when etiquette was required at the dinner table.

Fabulous Words to Live By:

It’s been a much better week than most, and with only one full week of classes left, I’m not quite sure I’m going to take it. I do know for one thing I need to become more aggressive in my job search, but maybe I’ll let myself enjoy this 5-year journey coming to a close before I dive headfirst into a adulthood. Although, I already am, in a sort of weird way, with bills and jazz like that.

Go on...test the waters.

Whatever you’re doing this fine evening, don’t let it get too out of control. Be crazy as long as you have a trusted guy or gal watching your back the entire time. Reckless with a square head on your shoulders. That’s what we Jedi like to see and be.

Jedi who go into the fray alone are often called reckless. Anakin made it work for him, and so did Ahsoka.

Happy Weekend!

Take it shaken, not stirred.

Keep Your Glow Glowing

Posted on Updated on

I should not be allowed in a store containing Star Wars items without adult supervision.

Greatly needed by moi.

Some sort of supervision anyways. I am unstoppable. I walked into the Hallmark store with every intention of looking for a Mother’s Day gift for, well duh, my mom, who will be up in a couple of weekends to watch me walk across the stage for my graduation. O.M.G. Five years later, it’s really happening!

This is only the start of all the cool things they offer. I own half of what is pictured.

Anyways, I walked into this Hallmark store to look for a present for a Mother’s Day gift, and what do I see before me? A whole shelf filled with Star Wars items that I had never seen before. There were new coffee mugs, picture frames with quotes, a notepad and pen, a buzzer that says Star Wars quotes (imagine an Easy button), large paperweights, and framed Star Wars murals. I found one especially fit for an upcoming graduate. It’s a mural of Luke looking off into the distance at the Twin Suns with the quote “You must follow your own path. No one can choose it for you.”

Yes. Perfect for a college graduate about to leave their sanctuary of academia and absolutely allowable dumbness. College will soon be over for me.

No more all-nighters for me (I hope!)

It’s really hard for me to believe. No longer will I have an excuse as to why I stay up all hours of the night , drink on a Tuesday night, or use student discount tickets on absolutely everything from sandwiches to oil changes. Sometimes, I even get things for free! Because I’m a student!

Hey, a discount is a discount.

I can only hope I continue to look like the picture on my student ID card. Then, I might be able to continue getting an extra 5 cents off the gas price every time I fill up.

Went to the good ol’ Barnes and Noble for the first time this month, and once again, I became a clique. I was sucked into the books on the table designed to attract college graduates. I bought a book with great quotes on stepping out on your own, and another on what to do with your life right after college. I’m trying to be as prepared as I can be. So I got to get reading and I need to start retaining information.

Advice much appreciated.

It’s the year of the Dragon, baby.

Submitted another job application today, and sent off my resume to a few contacts I’ve made over the past couple of days. I can only keep my fingers crossed and hope the advice I’ve been giving out to other students this year has paid off for me in the long run. I’m ready to step into the role of a Big Girl Job. I wouldn’t care if a company I really want to work for told me I’d be fetching coffee for 3 years before getting my hands on a real project. If I know I can get myself wedged in their, get my ideas heard, and in 3 years, know I’ll have a real position at the company, I’d be all over it. Clearly, I wouldn’t only be fetching coffee. I’d be doing other things, too, like answering the phone, calling clients, setting appointments, arranging meetings and being the face of the company. I make any company look good, and that is not me being arrogant. It’s me being honest about my good-looking face!

When I’ve had enough sleep, water, removed my make-up the night before, and a restful night (and not interrupted by text messages and late night phone calls), that is.

“I wouldn’t feel right wearing clothes covering  my body.”

For the first time I can recall in my short lifetime, I am in agreeance with Christina Aguilera, the sexpot of a songstress.

Sigh...before she went crazy.

Every day this past week, I have worn a dress that has shown off my legs. One reason? The sun is finally shining again and its brought warmth with its rays.

My legs, when dressed up the right way, are gorgeous and will only continue to get more gorgeous the more I play tennis. I looked a back at a photo from my 2nd oldest sister’s wedding when I had been playing tennis for a solid three years at that point, and was at the end of the season into play-offs. Naturally, I was in the best shape of the season. I look at those pictures and my legs are lean, mean, toned running machines.

I'm the one on the right...Just check out those calves!

They looked so good!

I want my legs to look like that once again. Which means I need to start running at least an hour a day, including sprints, and playing tennis up to 3 hours a day 6 days a week. Yeah…I probably can’t go that extreme given my schedule these days. Plus, I’d need to find a buddy to play with me. I doubt anyone, except a millionaire who doesn’t need to work at least 40 hours a week, would be able to play 3 hours a day.

This is an entire body workout.

To be honest, my body doesn’t move the way it did when I was 17 or 18. I’ve gotten slower, but I know I can get back to my prime in physical appearance. Hello crunches and sprinting!

I refuse to go on a diet. When it comes to my senior class at the Academy here, I am the only female who did not go on a diet. Guess what? I am still not on a diet. The other night, a bunch of us went to the Dining Center to eat lunch, and while everyone else grabbed their salads and green leafed sandwiches, I loaded a plate with French Fries, three loaded tacos, and a small salad on the side (to blend in.) All I can say is I ate to my heart’s content, and I did not gain a pound.

Best lunch side dish known to man.

I eat what I want when I want! It’s as simple as that. When I was full, I stopped. See? Easy.

When the world is ready to breath down your neck as if to say everything you’re doing is wrong, I want to remind you that you need to march to the beat of your own drummer, no matter the cost. Here are your Midweek Smiles to remind you just how awesome you are:

– Today will bring you a new reason to be happy.

Rediscovered my serve and aced the toughest competitor in class? Check.

– Be true to who you are: someone amazing!

Don't undervalue yourself and what you need.

– Determination is more powerful than doubt.

The X-Wing was well on its way out of the water when Luke gave up.

– Talk yourself into success, not out of it.

Frank Carroll always knew what to tell Michelle Kwan before she took the ice.

– Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful.

Their lives were nowhere near perfect, but they were pretty great.

– Set your dreams in motion. Believe!

Sometimes an aspiring actress has to clear a few dishes before getting her break.

– You will do great things. You already have.

Katniss doesn't know it yet, but she's set things in motion that will define a nation.

Never let anyone bring you down. They need your permission in order to do that. Don’t give it to anyone! Don’t give away the power you carry within yourself. The Force is there for you whenever you need. Open your ears, and simply, listen. It will speak to you.

Keep your heads up. The weekend is almost here.

I’m having a late night drink in celebration of welcoming the weekend a little earlier than usual. Until next time, my fellow Jedi.

Bottoms up, dearies.

Happy 100th!

Posted on

Happy 100th post to the Modern Jedi!

I don’t entirely believe the numbers are correct. Seriously? 100 posts? I’ve been doing this for that long already? It sure doesn’t feel like it. Maybe because I’m having so much fun here. That’s probably it.

In the short time I’ve been writing and exploring the realms of following the Jedi Way, we’ve had our fair share of drama. Maybe even a little more than our average share of drama. I’m not afraid to admit it, but I’m slightly addicted to drama. I like watching it play out and hearing all the dirty details, but being a part of it? Depends on the situation. Sometimes, yes. I love the attention. Others? Eh, not so much. I’d rather live in a hollowed out tree.

It sure would be fun to freak people out as they walked by, though.

I may just be an attention whore. But as long as I’m using that attention for good, how bad can it be, right?

Hopefully, I don’t eat my words too soon.

It's probably going to happen in my tennis rematch tomorrow morning.

It’s like I’ve woken up from this haze of a bad mood I’ve been in lately, and all my anxiety is being channeled into a more focused effort. As much as I love my coworkers at my jobs right now, I need a change of pace. I need something that is going to challenge me and make me stretch my boundaries. I’ve dabbled in a lot of areas, but now I want to put the skills I’ve learned to a more functional use. While I may be good at answering phones and dealing with people one-on-one, I really need to feed my creative side. While writing does help with that, I need to dig deeper. A video camera, a digital camera, locking myself away with my designs for a few hours and coming away with a masterpiece.

We have a genius inside our souls. We only need to figure out how to let them shine through!

Have you ever started from scratch with only a vision, and then slowly but surely, through work and patience, you’ve seen this vision come to life right before your very eyes? You make the pieces come together the way you want them to? It’s a magical feeling seeing everything fall into place like that. I’ve had it happen not only with videos, but also with the show I directed a year ago. It was rough, rough, rough…and then, bam. Everything fell into place and it was a masterpiece. In my opinion, anyways 🙂

I’ve been slaving away over my resume and getting together a few cover letters, and will be popping them in the mail in the next couple of days. Here we go, real world. I’m coming and there’s nothing you can do about it!

“Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.”

Aww, the funny but not so wise words, of my favorite talk show host and face of fame, Ellen DeGeneres.

My fave talk show lady. Can I have your hosting gig yet?

If I could steal anyone’s career, it would be Ellen’s. Seriously…her’s or Kristen Wiig’s. Not only are they sexy and intelligently funny women, but people love them! One dances around in argyle socks as a part of her living and another puts on an oversized forehead, bites her lower lip, talks in a lisp and she makes people laugh for being “ridiculous” and sometimes “stupid.” I don’t think these things, that’s why I put them in quotations. They are nothing but pure made-up puffs of nothing.

Real acting chops, this one.

If I could be half as funny as Kristen Wiig, I’d consider my life made. It would also be easier to perform for an audience since everyone would know how freaking hilarious I am.

In all seriousness, though, I really do hope of these jobs I’m looking into pans out. I need to break free from part-time job stress and settle into a more adult-like lifestyle. You know, where you work 9-5, have an hour-long lunch break, possibly have my own desk (but an area that I can call my own would be good, too. Like, a cubicle wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world), wearing professional clothing, head out to happy hour with coworkers, have company lunches and birthday celebrations, and work the occasional charity event or weekend happening…I’m down for all of that. So…it just needs to happen now, okay, Universe?

I'm ready when you are, Genie.

Any day now, the Universe can send a genie flying in my direction. Why, you might ask? Because I already know what my three wishes would be: 1.)  I will land a job that will challenge me and make me happy for years to come, 2.) Money will never be an issue, and 3.) To find the love of my life and spend as much time as I will be allowed on this physical earth to be with him.

That’s not asking too much, is it? I really don’t think so. I mean, some people work their whole lives to achieve just one of my wishes. I may end up being like that, too. C’est la vie. Life’s a journey…or so they say!

I cam across a photo shoot spread in a magazine the other day, and the couple looked so whimsical and happy on the glossy pages that I couldn’t continue to look at them. Not even to judge the clothing selections put on the models. but I was just sickened by looking at a couple who was that lovesick. It’s all a part of my recovery from my ex, I know. I know I’ll get over this at some point, but as I continue to write my novel, my screenplay or read my favorite books and watch my favorite movies, I’m constantly reminded of something I once had, and am looking for yet again.

Can you hear my heart sigh? Cuz it did.

I don’t want to look for it. I want it to be here, right now. I had a great cuddle bug. It’s hard to adjust to something new when you’ve become accustomed. For my benefit, I’m going to say he feels the same way.

Le sigh...

Maybe, like art and comedy, relationships are objective. What makes one good and another bad? It’s entirely  up to the person observing and not taking part, as we all know, if you’re directly involved, your views will be skewed by an emotional connection. You are thinking or looking at it clearly and without prior judgement. That’s why we have critics and psychiatrists. They aren’t emotionally involved like we are…usually.

Everyone has one. You are the worst.

In honor of objectivity and not entirely having to understand what is placed directly in front of you, I offer these paintings to be viewed and interpreted by you, the objective viewer. There is no right and wrong answer…just feel whatever it makes you feel:

The Screamby Edvard Munch

Horror, I tell you, HORROR!

Water Liliesby Claude Monet

This is the painting Jack and Rose fawn over before she asks him to draw her like one of his French girls.

The Birth of Venusby Sandro Botticelli

She's your goddess, she's your fire, your desire!

At The Moulin Rougeby Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec

Hearing the words 'Moulin Rouge' will always make me think of the movie.

American Gothicby Grant Wood

Whatcha doing with that pitchfork, there?

With that, my 100th posting comes to a close. Thank you to you all for stopping by and checking out the musings on my life and the Jedi Path. If you are entertained by what you read and see here, feel free to subscribe and follow the Modern Jedi on a consistent basis by getting notified the every time I post a new thought or a new lesson to be discovered.

Feel, don't think. Use your instincts.

As always, thank you and May the Force be with you.

Thank you for believing in what cannot be seen, what cannot be entirely explained, and in what cannot be taken away from those who believe.

This little guy gets it.

Deep Clean

Posted on Updated on

I am officially hooked on watching old episodes of Saturday Night Live.

The one host I was incredibly astounded with last night? Tim McGraw! Who thought a country singer would actually be fairly hilarious when given the shot? Granted, I’m sure he was trying way too hard because he wanted to get the laughs, but he’s really not that bad of an actor. Compare him to Megan Fox, Lindsay Lohan or Adam Sandberg (great at comedy, not that great of an actor) or Jon Heder (again, he’s great at stupid comedy, but when it comes to actual acting…it’s a no-go.)

Tim McGraw with a mullet and jamming with T-Pain. Hilarious!

I have also developed quite the girl crush on Kristen Wiig. OH. MY. GOSH. She is freaking hilarious. Why did it take Hollywood for forever to finally let one of her scripts get turned into a movie? That’s the best part, not only is she a freaking genius at comedy, but she can actually act. She gave a stellar performance in Bridesmaids.

Her recurring role as Gilly, the malicious and devious troublemaker, makes me die in laughter every time.

If I learned anything in my acting classes, it’s if you can master comedy, you’re a pretty darn good actor/actress. Comedy is most times harder than drama. Yeah, you heard me. Have you ever done comedy? Harder than it looks. So don’t you dare stare at your television and say, “Eh, I could do that with my eyes closed.”

Watch your step...and your words!

Yeah. You could try. You could try.

It was a beautiful day here, but once again, where could I be found? Stuck inside using my time wisely to get major projects done in advance, instead of the night before.I had my mental breakdowns the last couple of weeks. I don’t need anymore in my final weeks of the Academy.

It’s super weird to think about. After five years here, I’m going to be done. I’m going to walk across that stage, shake the Dean’s hand, accept an unsigned piece of paper (because it’s not really my actual diploma) and that’s it. Do I even get to toss my mortar board into the air? Well, at least I’ll be wearing both of my tassels. “You can only wear one.” Pffft right. I’m wearing both. What are you going to do to me? Not let me graduate?

I will wear both tassels. Just watch me.

Probably make me pay a fine. My Academy would do that. Money sucking bastards.

As the weather warms up, every time I climb into my car, I realize how badly it needs a cleaning. Not just any sort of cleaning, but a deep, hard-core cleaning. From top to bottom, top and bottom, interior and exterior. It’s going to be an all-day project. All I need is someone’s yard and a watering hose. My apartment complex doesn’t make this possible unless I’m threading the hose out my bedroom window from the kitchen sink.

Soak'em.

That’s just a disaster waiting to happen. Since I tend to burn popcorn, I’m not taking a chance with a hose running through my room…or our entire apartment for that matter.

“I’m doing what I can to help the environment.I started a compost pile. It’s in the backseat of my car.”

I can say the exact same thing, good humor gal, Janine DiTulli.

Stop in the name of eco friendliness!

About a month ago, I finally cleared out the seven pairs of shoes that covered the floor of my back seats. I had three pairs of high heels, a pair of sneakers, a pair of boots, and a pair of flip-flops. Are all girls like this? Carrying their wardrobe in their cars? I could be a homeless person the way I live out of my car. But in all honesty, it needs a deep clean. I shouldn’t be able to see  the dust on my dashboard like that. Yuck.

My dashboard would not pass the inspection, unfortunately.

Yes, I’m grossing myself out.

Good thing April is the great month of Spring. What does everyone do when it hits this time of year? Spring cleaning! This shouldn’t include just your houses. For me, this includes my car, who is in desperate need of a full-out cleaning. I never let her get like this before. Now, don’t be imagining  garbage all over the place, heaps of clothing in my backseat, and a rack full of shoes in my trunk. It’s not like that.

This is not my trunk.

She needs a bath, a thorough vacuuming, some garbage does need to be cleaned out, and I’ll probably need to add an air freshener. Despite summer coming up, when it rains, my car’s interior tends to smell like a wet dog. Not very attractive in my opinion.

What the hell? I’m sitting here talking to you about how I’m going to clean out my car in a few weeks. I have no time right now due to the final weeks of the Academy drawing to a close, but once I had a little more free time (basically when all I’m doing it working!) I’m going to do some major revamping on my life. It’s a new chapter, and I need to head in the direction I see fit.

Main concern? Finding that first out-of-college Big Girl job 🙂

Everyone says it will come when the time is right. But I’m impatient. Another opportunity to learn a pivotal Jedi lesson? Probably. Will I understand it on my own terms? Oh yeah. So, that means, there will be a lot of frustration, a lot of tears, a lot of swearing, probably a bout of depression and low self-esteem.

There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel.

See? It's coming!

Like with winter. After the cold and ickiness of ice, the weather warms up, the birds start chirping, and we start running around like lovesick fools again (some of us, anyways.)

Since this morning was just beautiful (I woke up to birds chirping right outside my window in the most lovely tunes I have heard yet this season), I wanted to share with you a few of my favorite nontraditional things about April:

– Umbrellas

Just freaking cute.

–  Rain Coats

Fashionable and yet its raining? Sign me up!

– Seedlings

The great miracle that is life. We plant it, and it grows. Just goes to show how something so little can be so grand.

– Galoshes

Rubber booties for high heels? This makes me giggle.

– Soccer

A fantastic moment we won't forget from 1999. The emotion, the victory, that black sports bra...all fantastic.

– Baseball

Thank God for faces like his...and for baseball pants, otherwise baseball would be incredibly boring to watch.

I should have had this posted last night, but I was halfway through a sentence when my eyes closed and they did not open back up until around 3:18 am. I took the hint, turned off SNL still playing in the background, and crawled under my covers, but not before opening my window a crack to let the warm air stream in while I slept.

I feel a crush coming on, Bill Hader.

Nothing smells better than spring. At least, not until we get to summer 🙂

Pretty. So, so pretty.

Bound for Coruscant

Posted on

The weather gods continue to hate me.

They are devising a scheme up there. I just know it...

The one morning I was gung-ho enough to set my alarm and actually get myself out of bed in the name of nature appreciation and exercise, what does the weather decide to do? It decides to snow. In April! Again!

Freedom from the week!

Is it really too much to ask for the sunshine to hold out for an entire weekend instead of enticing us Friday afternoon when all of society is breaking free from the shackles of employment, bursting forth from the educational classroom, or finally letting their head rest easy from a hard week of mental functioning?

It must be. This has happened twice now, and both of those times? I was stuck behind a desk working and watching longingly out the window at the warm sunshine and the lucky souls who ran by on the lakewalk soaking up the sunshine. Each person who ran by, I became filled with a raging jealousy. My body needs the sunshine. Everyone’s body does. It’s the Vitamin D. It probably would help my mood situations a little more. My thoughts would be far less depressing if I could soak up the sun more than what is filtered through my car window as I drive to and fro with my business.

Everybody runs...

Other than hating the sudden oncoming of snow in the midst of what should be spring, I had a few thoughts. These thoughts have sprung up due to various things. Reading The Hunger Games, watching Minority Report last night (better than I remembered) and having an undying obsession with Star Wars and Lord of the Rings helps this current state of thought.

“We are living on this planet as if we have another one to go to.”

The words of Terry Swearingen, an eco-activist.

She's fighting for the one and only planet we have that inhabitable right now.

I wholly agree with her. Along with the fictional situations I have named above, real events have also influenced my train of thought. The constant battle with the Middle East and within our own borders concerning the depleting oil supply, rising gas prices, the need to preserve more natural land, putting and taking off names of animals from the Endangered Species list, the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico a few years back, the unusually warm temperatures happening everywhere, earthquakes in Virginia and Olklamhoma…I mean, what the hell is that? They’re not even on fault lines.

Anyways, have you ever read something like The Hunger Games or watched a movie like Star Wars and wondered if our society could end up like them?

They'd be everywhere.

When I read The Hunger Games, one thing that really struck me was how plausible I could see North America turning into these 12 Districts with economical specialties. But, beyond that, how one sector of people could come to have all the power while a majority of our country’s people struggle to make it from day-to-day. Constantly laboring for someone else’s benefit, and always being up the fear of being squashed the instant you step out of line. Using nuclear power as a threat and peacekeeping device. I can actually see this happening to our country in the not-so-distant future. I almost feel like its starting to happen now…like this whole ‘I am the 99%’ business.

He gave me downright chills in the film. *Shivers*

It’s a bit scary. You’ll understand my comparison a bit more if you’ve already read the books, but it’s still a frightening concept to me. It could really happen, our country turning upon itself. It happened once, and it was called the Civil War. Granted, they were warring over slavery (that’s the easy description of that war, anyways), but I could see the 99% trying to overthrow the government, or the Capitol, and our entire country just being thrown into a massive war. I would hope we wouldn’t end up having to throw our children into a Gladiator-esque ring to battle to the death as a reminder of the great loss of life for our way of living…but I can’t see into the future, so I guess we’ll wait and see.

To the death only to fight to the death again

A bit of a morbid thought, but what can you do?

At the same time, have you ever looked far further into the future and wondered if we’re headed into a Star Wars-esque way of living? Starship travel, thousands of planets filled with human and alien inhabitants. Is Earth destined to be an equal to Coruscant? Are we bound to be the city planet with hundreds of levels (and that’s only above the surface of the planet’s crust)? Will we communicate with holograms and comlinks and eventually duel with lightsabers and blasters?If this is indeed the future of  planet, not just our country, I hope to the high heavens I get to see if happen.

It's sort of pretty, if you forget the entire planet is like this.

I mean, come on! I want to see the invention of the first actual lightsaber, and be there for the construction of the Jedi Temple. Oh you know the Jedi are going to exist when society takes a turn towards this technological age. You just wish you were a proclaimed Jedi along with the rest of us.

No, Tupac is not back from the dead. It's a hologram.

Many of these things are entirely possible of happening to some degree. Did you attend Coachella this past week? I didn’t myself, but I heard enough about it go wonder where technology is going to take us next. The rapper Tupac performed via hologram at the concert. This guy has been dead for years now, and by no means has his following lessened any. It’s probably grown stronger, but that’s not the point I’m trying to make. The point is we have the ability to create performers, dead or alive, out of nothing. What does this mean for the entertainment business? We no longer will have actual performers aka dancers, singers, actors/actresses. They can all be replaced, and that’s a frightening concept for someone who is active in the performing arts.

Would you want to be replaced by a computer or a holographic image? I didn’t think so.

But enough of this serious talk. It’s the weekend, after all, and I’m ready for a great night out! A friend is in town to visit, and I couldn’t be more excited to see her and talk life with her.

Please don't stop the music!

With that in mind, I’m sure many of us will be hitting the bars this evening and there is sure to be lots of eye candy. Want to take him home for a night of pure fun, or possibly see it blossom into something more serious? First, you need to know how to flirt. Not just the obvious ways either. You, being the Modern Jedi that you are, want to be more coy than that. Be seductive in a mysterious, come-hither way.

Here are 12 ways to flirt without saying a word:

1.) Smile. For real. With teeth.

How could you not fall for a girl like this?

2.) Friend him on Facebook, obviously. You know you’re going to have your iPhone within an arms’ reach anyways (But don’t poke! Never poke. It’s creepy.)

Forbidden. Don't do it.

3.) Grab his arm during the scary part.

Make sure the movie is honestly scary, and not stupid scary.

4.) Hand him a copy of a book you think he’d like, with all your clever marginala scribbled inside.

All of my books are like this. I can't help myself.

5.) Dance! With him or not.

Show him your groove thang.

6.) Arm wrestle. Thumb war. Anything that gets you both a little competitive (and OK, holding hands.)

Whoever loses buys drinks later in the night.

7.) Just be really, really good at whatever it is you do — tamale making, number crunching, karaoke. He’ll notice.

I wouldn't recommend taking 12 shots of tequilla before taking the up the microphone.

8.) Touch him somewhere un-erogenous — wrist, elbow — but also unnecessary.

Touching him on the wrist or elbow will get you to this point.

9.) In your Netflix queue: French movies only.

Even better if you can repeat everything said in French.

10.) Invent a little gesture that says, “You. Here. Now.”

The 'come hither' stare...Get one.

11.) Nudge your dog to flirt with his dog.

Who can resist two puppies in love?

12.) New target? Repeat all of the above that worked!

Moving on to the next. It happens!

Hope these tips help. Feel free to use them on anyone…be it the new guy making eyes at you from across the dimly lit bar, or the adorable guy in the movie-postered cubicle next to yours that you’ve been eyeing up for months now. Just go for it.

Don't ignore the doofy, cute guy at work. He might be a firework outside of the office.

As always, be safe out there and watch each other’s backs.

It’s the weekend, baby. Anything can happen.

The Road is Calling

Posted on

I need to go on a road trip.

It's much needed.

I’m not talking any old, sort of road trip. I’m talking the kind where you stop at a gas station, fill up your tank, grab a bunch of snacks (my personal faves for driving trips are Gardettos, Pringle’s, Gummy Worms, and Jolly Ranchers), get a large cup of coffee, put a great mix of tunes on the radio, roll down the windows, and just go! Unless it’s the dead of winter, you probably won’t want to roll your windows down. Heck, if it’s the dead of winter, you’re probably not to gung-ho about driving. But, regardless, whether you’re jumping into your car alone or with a slew of friends, just pump up the music and go.

Chewy, fruity, and delicious.

I know this sudden urge to drive somewhere with no definite destination is due to this immaculate sunshine I walked into once I was done with classes for the day. Add an entire dance class listening to 90s music, I felt like my old self again for a short period of time. You know who I’m talking about…The girl who is always smiling, laughing obnoxiously loud at pretty much everything, tripping over her own to feet, jamming out to any music she hears, quick to offer her opinion be it good or bad, and carrying herself with a sense of pride and purpose.

That girl had been missing from my life for the last couple of weeks (or dare I say, months) and I just hate it.

Where did you go, and when are you coming back?

Lately, I snap at people for almost no reason, I’m always on the verge of tears, I wake up with my first thought of the day being when I can crawl back under the covers, I’m eating when I’,m not hungry, and I’d rather spend time alone than with other people. And the people I would like to spend my time with, I barely utter two words to them because my mind is consumed by a million and one things. My brain never stops, and it’s getting really annoying. I’m pretty sure I have anxiety. No one should be this tired all time. Well, if they’re pulling all-nighters consistently, then yes, they would be this tired. But you get my point.

“I always said I was like those round-bottomed circus dolls — you know, those dolls you could and push down and they’d come back up? I’ve always been like that.”

Normally I would agree with my self-perception like the marquee maven, Doris Day.

The original bounce-back girl

But, lately, I just don’t feel like me, and people are beginning to notice.

I'm going to turn into a real fatty if I don't stop eating my feelings.

My sister shouldn’t have to send me text repeatedly telling me that she’s willing to listen to me when I’m ready to talk about whatever is bothering me. She also reminds me that she loves me. I might not say it enough, but she really is a great sister, and I hope I can do her wedding justice by being the Maid of Honor. I shouldn’t have coworkers asking me what’s wrong on a daily basis because I snapped ast one of them two minutes after I walked in the door with a smile on my face. I shouldn’t be posting emo-ish statues on Facebook to express myself. I shouldn’t be living off coffee and fast food.

I need my ray of sunshine to come back to me, and for a short time, I felt like it did. Even if it was only  as I filled up my gas tank, grabbed a fat-filled caramel latter for SuperAmerica, turned up the latest album of the Rascal Flatts, and just hit the road (to my apartment…ha!), it still felt good. Singing my heart out like no one could hear me, except a few could when I stopped at a light. Their faces were priceless!

Belt it out! No one is around to hear you anyways!

At the same time, it was a moment of melancholy. My years as a student are coming to an end. I’ll be a real-live adult soon enough, and it’s scary. I have loans, medical bills, credit cards, and living expenses to worry about now. Just utterly ridiculous, real life is. But, I’m warming up to the journey. You only get one life, right?

Diamond tiaras look good on me. Don't ask me how I know. I just do.

Unless reincarnation is a real thing. I’m hoping to come back as a princess, a movie star, the President’s wife…you know, a position with power and influence 🙂

Growing up has also meant getting jobs to help me support myself. Because I’m working an insane amount of jobs, it doesn’t leave much free time in the evenings or on my weekends. I’ve been craving the need to go home for some time now. Being home on the farm always seems to put things in perspective for me. Returning to my roots reminds me of who I am, and it helps lift my up when I’m feeling down, even if all I do when I’m home is milk the cows or clean out their pens filled with manure. Hard work builds character. It’s how I was raised. It’s not something you wake up and forget. You actually wake up remembering how fit and certain you were in everyday life before you made the choice to move away to a city where farming barely exists.

Whoever thought I would miss the cows, the chores, and the sweat saw something in me back then I never did. Senior year of high school? I was so done listening to my dad give a list of chores to do every single day, done with sitting on a tractor for hours and hours (the only benefit being getting a killer tan…and killer tan lines along with it), and so done with being on his time and not my own.

These cute little guys taught me patience. Believe it or not, they are not cooperative at all.

Goes to show how little I appreciated everything he did for me, and how little I recognized how much I was learning from it. Now, when my dad or brother call to ask me if I could come home to do chores for a weekend, I do what I can to be there. But, with three jobs, it’s not so easy to just jump in the car and drive home once I’m done with classes for the day.

It sucks, quite frankly. I’ve never wanted to jump in my car to head for home so badly as I did this afternoon.

Yes, I really do wear a hat like this.

You can take the girl away from the country, but you can’t take the country away from the girl.

On a different note, congratulations to making it through the week to Friday! YEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS! Fist pumping everywhere! So, you  know what that means? Fabulous Friday is here so inspire you through the weekend, and maybe ignite brilliance for the week laying ahead. But, for now, we’re going to enjoy the weekend that is only just beginning.

Here’s is what is making my Fabulous Friday:

Fabulous Boyfriend Advice:

Fabulous Decor Idea:

Puzzle piece backgrounds give a very modern feel to any room.

Fabulous Giggle:

Scandal Alert! C-3P0 and Leia are going in for the kiss! What is Han going to say about it?

Fabulous Flashback:

"Did I do that?" Classic 90s TV show!

Fabulous Spring Cocktail: Find the recipe here!

Pomegranate and White Wine Spritzter! Doesn't it just sound refreshing?

Fabulous Man of the Moment:

Forgive me, but I couldn’t single it down to one. So, instead, I’m giving you two to enjoy.

 

I'm still on a Titanic kick. So, of course, Leo is a part of this!
Hello, Handsome!

Fabulous Words of Wisdom:

Fabulous Dream:

Caught it at just the right time. Beautiful.

Fabulous Jedi Training:

Have you seen the commercials for this thing?!

Fabulous Smile:

I think he's learning the rules so he can break them 🙂

Fabulous Girl Power Reminder:

Fabulous Future:

This is probably what I’m going to be like at 80 years old. You’ve all been warned…

You can’t see it where you are, but I’m raising my glass to all of you this evening. Thank you for stopping in and checking out what I have to say, whether about a current topic or a rant about my daily life which can range from utterly exciting to dull enough to kill an acorn.

Continue to thrive and continue to train. We only become better if we work on it. I’m working on becoming a bona fide adult. It’ll take years, let’s be honest. I’m too much of a kid at heart (and mind) to fully become an adult in every way, shape or form.

Staying fit is key to a healthy lifestyle. Plus, it keeps you prepared.

I’m missing home tonight, but I’ll rest easy. Why? Because it all else fails, I know I have a place to run to, to drive to when the urge strikes.

You always know your way home.

Nothing like a twin sun sunset.

Still the Same By Any Other Name

Posted on Updated on

Jeremy Renner…how did you get to be such a sexy thing to look at?

And he's patriotic. How can I say no?

I am more than appreciating his screen time in The Hurt Locker as I type this to you. Add on top of that his performances in The Town and Mission Impossible 4, and the way the promo pictures look for the upcoming Avengers movie, and I am falling head over heels in love.

Quite a kick ass character

Have you ever seen his arms? Gorgeous. Utterly and fantastically gorgeous. I should use him as a work-out inspiration. Yeah, he may be a guy and I will never have the muscle definition like Renner has, but it certainly serves as inspiration. So does Keira Knightley as Guenivere and Jennifer Garner as Elecktra. I acknowledge that Elektra was semi-terrible movie, but her body in that movie? She worked out pretty hard for that film, and it paid off. Her body is an inspiration for me, and as a Jedi, I need to stay in the prime of my physical life. Always have to be ready to defend against an attack.

Rock that body, and no one will mess with you.

A weak mind is almost as bad as a weak body.

I had an interesting talk with a few of my coworkers, and I realized somewhere along the line, I had picked up the antic of hating new people I work with immediately. Not only that, but they have to work incredibly;y hard for me to not strongly dislike them and find them completely incompetent. We were talking about one such coworker, and it became clear to me that he never did anything to make me treat him like an idiot with no hands. We’ve actually gotten along much better since I’ve given him a chance. He’s not a bad kid to talk to when everyone else you’re working with is 30+ years older than both of us combined.

However, I don’t think this will be the case with another girl I work with. I’m not going to name names or even give her any sort of description other than she is somewhat new to my work place. Can I say total B-word? I am not without reason for saying this. Shortly after I first met her, I ran into her at a restaurant outside of our work place outside of work hours. I waved and said hello to her. You know, a friendly thing to do. She looked a little puzzled, so I reminded her that we had met a short while ago. Her reaction?

“Oh.”

Bitch, please.

Then, she proceeded on her way. What the hell is that? “OH?”

Fast forward a week. We run into each other at work. We’re the only one in the hallway, passing each other in opposite directions. I again am the first to say hello to her. This time, she just keeps walking. Doesn’t acknowledge I said anything to her, doesn’t even smile as we pass. This happens again a few days later.

Now, I racked my brain for a good hour trying to figure out what I possibly could have done to piss her off in such a way to cause this sort of reaction. Did I say something offensive to her? Did I act in a bad way or make an inappropriate gesture to her?

I'm afraid it's going down. Hard.

The answer is no. I barely interact with the girl to begin with, and when I have, I’ve said nothing but nice things. Friendly, courteous things. Given the cold reactions she’s given me more than once, I’m done trying to be nice to her. She has to earn my respect now. It may be harsh on my end, but if she ignores me, I can ignore her right back. Which I do. It’s kind of fun, actually Especially when she’s trying so hard to impress a few of the men on the staff.

Now, isn't this just plain fun to watch? I think so...

Honey, we’ve all been there, we’ve all done that, and you are going to be no different. But, I’m sure going to enjoy watching you try to be different from any other girl at that place.

“I have been a bitch all my life and did not need the authority of money to be one.”

I love the way you think, Barbara Amiel, a muckraker of the news.

She knows how to get the scoop, and no one will get in her way, power or no power.

I also love the fact the a main reason behind this so-called coworker of mine  getting hired? A name and a lot of money.

There’s a lot that goes with getting called a B-word by someone. I admit, sometimes it’s utterly deserved. Other times, not so much. I get called it because I’m not willing to deal with the shit most think is acceptable in life, such as thinking woman should always take care of a man’s bitch work. Sorry. I have integrity and I know how I should be treated.

I deserve one of these weekly.

A Jedi has to stand up for herself. If that means pissing a lot of people off, so be it. I know how I deserve to be treated. Being treated like a personal servant hauling donkey isn’t an option. Not even remotely.

Given the week I’ve had, I’ve been searching for signs, for uplifting words, for anything to boost my mood the tiniest bit to make this week a touch more bearable. I know it’s late in the week, but everyone needs a little pick-me-up and its never a bad time for a pick-me-up.

– Make time for your dreams!

Hello, Hollywood!

– When it comes to success, you’re a natural.

Tom Cruise was a natural to the way of the samurai.

– You’re making progress.

Draaaaaa-goooooooo!

– People love you for who you are. It’s time you did, too.

He killed the wrong man. She blew up her stepfather and her house. Yet, they found love. See? It's possible.

– Hope is more powerful than doubt.

There is always hope.

– Every day holds 1440 moments. It’s okay to spend some on you.

Alright by my standards.

– Nothing can hold you back now.

She's flying and embracing the world ahead of her.

Stick to your guns, Jedi. We are who we are, and if people want to make assumptions about us, that’s their prerogative. Be the best person you can be. Be you. Don’t change for anyone. We have standards for a reason,and if anyone ever tries to make us change those standards, they have issues of their own to look at.

I wouldn't recommend doing this for any man. But then again, I wasn't alive in the 1960s.

Stay strong, and Good Night.

Back in the Game?

Posted on

I was just asked out by a guy I met at a bar this past weekend, and I’m not quite sure how I feel about it.

Let me preface this story by saying by the time I met him and actually talked to him, I was holding a tall glass that could be equivalent to two very large, yet normal sized, glasses of beer. I had been drinking previously to arriving at the bar where I met him. My first clue that I was more than buzzing should have been when we sat down in the room with the band, and I didn’t even flinch at how loud the music was playing.

He literally could have been playing in my tiny bathroom.

It was loud. So loud, I couldn’t tell at that moment, but when the next morning came and I was emptying my stomach of anything that existed inside it for the past 48 hours, my ears were ringing as if they band followed me home and continued to play.

Long story short: I met this guy when I was blitzed. I recall thinking he was cute, he had a nice laugh, and he was funny. Now that I am sober and take to memory recall, I’m not so sure. I’m doubting was happened because I know what state I was in aka Drunk. Yes, with a capital D. So, clearly Drunk-Me really hit it off with him. The question now is whether Sober-Me would hold the same opinion or not.

Only time will tell.

He just asked me out, and I’m not sure what to do. He wants to go out tomorrow night, and to be honest, my week day schedules suck. I work until almost midnight, and then have to be somewhere the following morning by 8:00 am or earlier. Given the state of distress I’ve been finding myself under as of late, I need my beauty sleep. It’s not even to make sure I look beautiful in the morning, it’s to make sure I have enough sanity left in my brain to make it through the day without killing an innocent bystander or throwing myself repeatedly against a wall. (That should all be followed with an open statement of, yes, those comments were meant to be jokes.Read the fine print in between the lines, people.)

I’m just baffled about this. I didn’t even know I had his number until he texted me the next day. Again, this adds dimension to the state of being I was in. Do I remember him taking my phone or me giving him my phone? Not one bit. Somehow he did. Weird. Usually its glued to my hand, the inside of my bra (hey, don’t judge. If people can put money there, I can certainly put my phone there for safe keeping), or I give to the sober one driving me home later that night. Drunk texting is never a good thing, and I certainly wanted to text a handful of people that night.

The longer I remain single, the more I realize how out of the dating loop I am. Dating is supposed to be fun, isn’t it? Then, why the heck do I cringe at the prospect sometimes? I should be excited whether it’s a guy I’m into immediately or not. The idea of being out and meeting someone new should be enough to make me go “Hey, I’m out there and am dating! Yahoo!!!!”

I'm in the prime of my dating life, right?

I should be planning what I’m going to wear, and then get nervous about my final choice. I should have several hair styles picked out for the big night, only to hate it once I’ve finished it. I should be worried about what sort of place we’re going to stop in at. If there’s food, what will I order? Do I do the lame salad thing, or go for it and order the messy, double-decker cheese burger with fries?

Not that trying to figure out what to wear isn't a daily battle.

I should be filled with a nervous excitement because I’m young, and pretty, and getting out there, and dating!

…But I’m not.

Lots of offers...but my mind often wanders to him...

Instead, whenever I’ve been out on a date in the last couple of months I’ve compared everyone to my ex. Bad move on my part. I’m comparing them to someone already, for better or worse. No one should enter a date like that.

Or, on the flip side, maybe those dates really sucked, and my ex was the diamond in the rough.

You never appreciate what you had until its gone.

It’s a lot like childhood. You never knew how good you have it until you’re facing the adult world and ready to rip your hair out. Responsibilities you never had before are suddenly just there. Like, where the hell did you come from medical bills? Oh, and this thing called rent? It’s temporary, right? Or having to go to the grocery store and buy your own food? Mom and Dad will be dropping off a few dozen bags at the end of the month…right? Or how about these things called hormones that lead us to situations with the opposite sex where all you want to do is touch them, rip their clothes off, and roll around naked in a bed together? Yeah…never thought you’d find yourself on birth control, did you? (And for the record, I went on the Pill for other medical reasons, not in order to have protected sex. That just came as an added bonus.)

Remember the day you realized "I have to do this weekly AND pay for it?"

Face it, you’re making adult choices without even realizing it until you stop to hear the music.

Every once in a while, I’ll catch myself doing something I once considered an ‘adults only’ task. Those moments freak me out. One such moment? When I was packing for Spring Break 2012, and when I boarded the plane alone. It hit me out of nowhere, like a slap to the face, followed by someone shouting in my ear, “Hello!!! Look at what you’re doing! Something is wrong here! Something is very wrong! It’s like you’re an adult or something!”

This was my childhood.

An adult. Or something. Yikes. I can’t wait to start dealing with real decisions, like  moving out-of-state or caring for my parents when they get older.

“Wouldn’t it be great if we all grew up to be what we wanted to be? The world would be full of nurses, firemen, and ballerinas.”

You’d have to throw in a Movie Star Actress, CIA Agent, Professional Tennis Player, Magazine Editor, and TV Talk Show Host to the list if I were to be included in Lily Tomlin’s, the very top banana of the bunch,  question to the world.

Let's all be kids again. We'd all be happier!

It certainly would be comforting to know that after I’m done growing up, I’ll begin the career path of something I’ve always dreamed of becoming and doing.

This coming from a soon-to-be Academy graduate. If I spent four years studying to be an actress, I better be an actress, damn it. Or a journalist for that matter. Where’s my big-time newspaper job opening accepting me on the spot without so much as an interview question?

I might have a slight breathing problem when dating comes up in conversation, or when I get asked out on a date, I need to remember that  dating is the gateway to finding that one true Love. Not everyone can have a ‘love at first sight’ relationship bloom and blossom into something really beautiful. Some of us have to work at it. It’s going to be worth it in the end.

Like the Rascal Flatt’s say, “Every long-lost dream lead me to where you are. Others who broke my heart, they were like Northern Starts, pointing me on my way into your loving arms. This much I know is true…that God blessed the broken road that lead me straight to you.”

We’re all traveling broken roads…and at the end, we’ll have what we’re looking for all along.

Being the romantic at heart that I am, I want to share with you the Best Things About Love (and if you want to gag at this point, you may do so. The lovey-dovey jive isn’t for everyone.):

– Hugs

– Kisses

Nothing beats a kiss after reuniting with your guy.

– Homemade Cards

If he takes the time to make you a card, never throw it away.

– Rom Coms (also known as Romantic Comedies!)

'Life As We Know It'...It made my heart ache for weeks.

– Long Stemmed Roses

I don't care who you are. Roses always make a girl glow all day long.

– The Color Pink

– Chocolate

Never a bad idea to have a stockpile. You never know when you'll need it.

– Cupid

The little devil...your arrows have been missing their targets lately.

– Cuddles

Just plain nice.

– True Love

You never forget young love.

– Candles

The set the mood for every occasion.

– Romance

Everyone wants to fall in love.

– Lace

Lace can be more than a little risqué.

– Best Friends

Know each other inside and out.

– Poems

– The Color Red

The color of passion. Drink up.

– Cupcakes

I could one of these right about now.

– Flirting

I'd probably kick someone if they did this to my leg.

– Holding Hands

It's nice knowing you're in step with someone else.

– The Sweet Messages on Candy Hearts

Now that I have thoroughly depressed myself because I used to have these things at my finger tips and want to have them back, I’m going to say good night. It’s tough breaking up with someone you truly and deeply cared about. I was about to compare what this break up feels like to how divorced couples must feel like, but then I realized that would be a stupid and ridiculous comparison.

Their phone call reconnection will always make me weep. True love never dies.

Any break-up is difficult. You can only hope that the Force is at work, guiding you towards where you’re meant to be and who you’re meant to be there with.

Check out that smolder...someone isn't too happy.

In Honor of Tax Day: Money is Stupid

Posted on Updated on

Whoever deemed Monday’s to be not only start the week, but also make them the crappiest part of the week is in for a beating from me.Ryan Gosling...Get Hiiiiiim!

It’s the year of the Dragon, oh Universe. It’s supposed to be my year. For everything. I’m supposed to be on top of my game, and I was for a while. I professionally choreographed a dance, my idea for my screenplay is a hit, my column is receiving great feedback, I’m in a great favor with my on-campus job, I’m losing weight, I’m cancer-free, I’ve made great new girlfriends, and I’ve had my luck with the guys.

It started out great, but where has it gotten me now?

Then, why is my heart feel like its been ripped out of my chest, thrown on the floor, and left there to bleed out a slow, painful death.

Its pulsating with passion, according to Bruno.

I’m not ready to talk about  it. I know, I know. How can I do that after the above statement? I have to explain something. But…I just can’t. I’ve only finished crying, and the threat of a new round of tears busting out of these eyeballs is all too close. It doesn’t help that I’m watching passionate Latin dances on Dancing With The Stars at the same time.

I used to have passion. I used to have that sensuality with another person. I used to have it all.

Then, a break-up happened.

Ugh, stop dwelling in the past. I keep telling myself to stop looking back, to look forward. Someone better will come along, someone  who will literally sweep me off my feet.

He literally caught her out of thin air. I want that!

But I can’t force myself to think like that right now. Maybe Prince Charming will appear tomorrow. But not tonight. Tonight I am sad and once again heartbroken. This is worse than any fight we ever had because there’s not a chance we’ll make up. There’s no ‘I’m sorry’ and hugs and kisses of reassurance. I can’t even pound on his chest in anger. He’s not with me anymore. I mean, I could march up his front steps, pound on his front door, and when he answers it, pound away on his chest all I want. But that’s the crazy ex in me talking.

I miss him. I miss everything about him. More importantly, I miss us. Him and I. Leia and Chewy.

Uggggggh. I need to stop doing this to myself. It’s not helping matters. At all. But I do miss him. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t.

If only I could belt about my feelings like Adele.

Oh, but let’s move past all this mish-mash of emotions flooding my entire body right now. If I end up crying every Monday between now and the end of the year, I might as well just hole up in my apartment once a week. I hate crying. Even though I know it’s not, it still feels like a sign of weakness, especially when I do try to build this tough persona about myself. I am tough. Always have been. But being a Cancer comes back to bite me in the butt more and more these days. Cancer = emotional mess. Check, check and check.

Funny how much I relate to this picture right now, in this very moment.

If only we could make things happen with the snap of our fingers.

“I just did my taxes, and I’m getting back $150,000. And people say you can’t do your own taxes.”

Famous words of the credit risk, Chantel Rae.

With looks like that, I'd be a credit wreck, too.

Money would make a million things easier right now. You don’t realize how much money you actually need to live day-to-day if you want a decent lifestyle that doesn’t make you feel like a hobo. I like to eat tasty foods. Not organic, but tasty ones. Sometimes that means fatty, deep-fried things, but in the summer, I do enjoy the fresh stuff. Corn on the cob, green peppers, peapods, carrots fresh from the garden.

Nothing more delicious than when everything is fresh from the ground.

Summer is the season for an old-fashioned, fresh garden salad.

Money would also help greatly with this enormous medical bill I have seemed to accumulate over the past couple of months. Yes, having surgery, no matter how minor, will do that to a person’s financial status. So, now I have this medical bill and in six months, I will have student loans to worry about.

See how money would make my life easier at the moment?

It’s rather irritating to me to talk to other Academy students and hear they will walk away without a dime owned in debt. How is that possible? How are there so many rich families out there that can agreeably pay for their child’s education in amounts of thousands of dollars and not expect a penny back. Add on top of that, they will also support them until they have a great paying big kid job.

What the hell is that? I have to support myself through everything. EVERYTHING. Including debt, medical bills, grocery shopping, make-up needs, DVD additions, car maintenance and the occasional need for travel money. Everything is on my dime now.

Anyone can hand me one of these at any given moment. I'm serious.

So, what is a girl to do when she’s wading knee-deep in money woes? She dreams about shopping and the things she wants to buy.

Here are the hot commodities I’m looking at for the month of April. Some might even surprise you:

1.) Snowblowers

Where I live, this is a necessity. Even in April. That's what my city learned today.

2.) Vacuum Cleaners

Coolest vacuum cleaner ever? I think so.

3.) Spring Clothing

I heart dresses. That's all.

4.) Yard and Garden Supplies

Weeding the garden wouldn't be so boring anymore.

5.) Bridal Gowns

Every girl wants one at one point or another.

6.) Furniture

The Vader table would look great in the game room.

7.) Cruises

One day I hope to work on a cruise ship.

8.) European Vacations

Rome is on my list of places to visit before I die.

9.) Paint and Wallpaper.

So very pretty. And purple.

For some reason, I keep smelling Subway sandwiches right where I’m sitting. I don’t know why. No one in my apartment is eating Subway. Perhaps its our neighborly ghost burping in my face? All I know is that it smells delicious and is making me crave a deli sandwich or two. Which is incredibly stupid because I just scarfed down a ton of spinach dip and chips.

Don’t judge me one bit.

That’s enough for me. I just popped in Runaway Bride and am ready for a romantic comedy, no matter how bad, to put me to sleep tonight. Money and love woes.

Never watched it before tonight. Hope its good!

No one said life was ever easy, and I’m still very young. Oh, what the rest of this year might bring scares me. It’s supposed to be my year, the year of the Dragon.

Hopefully no one slays me before I peak.

Bring it on, slayer of the Dragons.