Month: January 2012

The Iron Mind of Youth

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Choreography.

My mind is filled with it. I have received the word that my Star Wars dance I choreographed in the fall is getting another shot at the big time. On a much bigger stage with a much, much, MUCH larger audience. I am so pumped you have no idea.

She's completely embodying my feelings about this last-minute project.

Like, I’m screaming inside with excitement every time I listen to the music I have to choreograph to. Basically, on top of that, I’m putting together a whole new dance since the music is different. I have 10 days to do this. OH MY GOD.

Totally possible. It’s going to happen, and it’s going to happen with a bang.

Or with a slash of a lightsaber. Whichever way you want to look at it.

Prepare for the awesome.

Either way, I’m grinning from ear to ear.

On a different note, let’s talk about the Oscars. I have barely mentioned them, and besides the US Open, the Academy Awards are my Super Bowl. I follow the predictions as soon as they start. I see all the films, and make my own judgements. I read all the comments other reviewers make, and I place my opinion against theirs. I look for the things they look noticed, and watch the Best Picture nominees multiple times, if possible.

How many details must you bore me with until you get to the point?

Of course, I have my favorites when it comes to the performance awards. In honor of Meryl Steep’s nomination for ‘Iron Lady,’ I’m watching The Devil Wears Prada. She is so freaking fantastic in this film, I can’t stand it. Seriously….two words is all it takes, and a memorable character is born. That’s a main reason I love her as an actress. Not only is she über talented, but she can take a character that no one really thinks is that epic…and she makes it epic. She makes it a role I would KILL to inhabit.

Or it’s my inner bitch wanting to come out and play. (Omg…did I just utter the b-word on the internet? Scandalous!)

“A woman past forty should make up her mind to be young, not her face.”

These are the words of Billie Burke, the Wizard of Oz witch. Not just any old witch, but Glinda, the good witch.

Click your heels together 3 times and say, I've won an Oscar.

I like her words for several reasons. The biggest one? Four of the five nominees for Best Actress this year are all around the age, or older than, 40 and all of them are natural beauties. No plastic surgery, no Botox, no lip plumper. All natural. And it’s truly beautiful. I only hope I can age like that when I start reaching the age of 40.

1.)

Glenn Close for Albert Nobbs

2.)

Viola Davis for The Help

3.)

Rooney Mara for The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

4.)

Meryl Streep for The Iron Lady

5.)

Michelle Williams for My Week with Marilyn

But I have 20-ish years to go, so I’m not exactly going to worry about it. Not yet, anyways.

They say now is the time to take care of your skin. Sun screen, sun screen, and add a hat on top, just to be safe. However, I’m not exactly an advocate for sun safety when I’m still sporting a tan line where my bikini bottoms end and the skin on my thighs begin. It’s not a faint line, either. It’s still white meat versus dark meat. Yeah…I know. Damaged skin. How the hell did I do that?

One of the most pleasant feelings in the world...sunshine on bare skin

Fell asleep in the warm sun on the beach. That’s how it happened. Lesson learned? Only time will tell. I’m already dealing with precancerous cell tissues. I don’t need skin cancer on top of that.

It’s truly inspiring to see ladies on top of their game, especially on top of their game in Hollywood of all places, and see them holding true to a moral value of themselves. So many people change once they have the money to do something. It’s ridiculous.

I once dated a guy who felt like he had to show me off whenever we went out. It was nice at first. Not going to lie, it’s fun to be wined and dined. Every girl dreams of finding a guy who gives her everything she wants, even if it is the shrimp alfredo with scallops and crab meat. Always a bottle of wine with dinner. Always popcorn and candy at the movies. Always late night ice cream runs during the couple of months we were together. Even in those couple of months, it got old pretty quick. Just because he could shell out the dough at a second’s notice doesn’t mean it’s impressive. Yes, I want to be impressed, but it doesn’t have to be every waking second of time we’re together. A movie night with nothing but a chocolate bar? Perfect. Not even that. Having each others’ company and being able to cuddle on the couch makes any movie night a good one.

Wining and Dining does get old

Impress me, yes. But impress me in good ways, especially when you already know I’m in it to make something of our relationship. Usually at that point, we’re past testing the waters and diving right in.

Who knew her then-husband would turn out to be such a scum bag?

On top of that, the three oldest nominees this year? I believe they are all married, and have been for a handful of years. Happily married at that. I guess if one of them wins, we’ll see if the Best Actress curse is lifted. For the past 4 years…each Best Actress winner has split from their husband, despite weeks prior to the ceremony they proclaimed their undying happiness for each other and how much they love each other. How secure they are in their relationship.

Yeah…I can relate to that feeling.

Later, she and Mendes would split over differences. Whatever that means.

The one who tore me up the most? Kate Winslet and Sandra Bullock. Bullock more so. When she won, she remarked in her acceptance speech that she never knew what it was like to have someone watch your back…until she met her husband, Jesse. Five months later, boom. Divorce because he cheated on her with multiple women.

Why Winslet’s marriage ended, I’m not entirely sure. Her last film with Sam Mendes was Revolutionary Road…where he directed his own wife and her studly best friend Leo DiCaprio in a very heated sex scene. If that wasn’t awkward…I don’t know what is. Yes, they were all professionals…but come on. It’s your wife. It’s Leo. You’re the husband.

WEIRD.

It really is a pretty hot scene.

Whenever the Oscars roll around, I always replay the same fantasy in my head. I’m a famous actress myself, and I’m surrounded by my best Hollywood gal pals at the after parties. My best bestie? Keira Knightley, of course! She’s a tom boy like I am. She curses a lot…I don’t need to explain anything. We’d get along swimmingly.

Pals upon first meeting. Guaranteed.

I’d also get her to perfect my British dialect, so we can party in either country and get away with it.

One day I will host an Oscar party, and it’s going to be off the hook! (It just took me 5 minutes to remember that full phrase.)Everyone will be required to dress up, we’ll drink champagne, we’ll have fancy appetiziers…or maybe even a 3-course meal (that I slaved over), and there will be ballots to fill out, and the winner will receive a totally awesome prize. It’ll become a yearly thing amongst me and my friends. Wait for it.

If you’re lucky, you’ll receive an exclusive invite.

Right now, it’s Jedi’s only.

Hey, the old Jedi way may not have allowed partying in the sense we all conjure up nowadays. However, this Modern Jedi knows a thing or two about having a good time. I’ll share my secrets at some point. In a book I’m getting paid to write. Wait for it. It’ll be huge.

Alright, Force-users. I need to sign off for the night. Get out there and watch those nominations for Best Picture. Print your own ballot, and make your decisions on who should win.

Exercise your right to vote!

There are always the usual front-runners at this time in the Oscar race, but there are always upsets. Hello? How about the year “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” won best original song. Yeah…random and an upset. No one saw that one coming. I love it.

One Giant Step for a Wookie

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Twists and turns. Highs and lows.

It was a weekend that can only be summed up in the following phrase: Out with the old and in with the new.

I finally had the nerve to gather together all the things belonging to my ex-boyfriend still lying around my house. There was a lot more than I remember. At least 15 movies/DVDs intermingled with my large collection. Clothes found in my laundry, stuffed in drawers, and left in what was designated as his drawer. I was nice enough to wash everything. Yep…I have a nice heart sometimes. Just…a lot more stuff than I recall. What hurt the most? Putting things in a bag I had given to him. *Sigh* I could rant and rave here about how I miss what me and him had, what the gifts meant to me, to him, blah blah.

Back to its rightful owner

That was a big move for me. I meant to call him, and let him know I wanted to exchange our things. It has been over 3 months since the infamous date of breaking up. Time to move on.

Which did happen. New Guy and I took the next step in what I guess is forming into some sort of relationship. Neither of us is seeing another person. Over spinach dip, mozzarella sticks, quesadillas, and buffalo wings, we discussed what defined cheating for us. A weird conversation to have in a public place, yes, but it ended up being quite entertaining. It boils down to one thing: No strippers.

Strippers. Always perfect dinner conversation.

Kind of a crap shoot for one of my jobs. Supposedly, the company is cutting hours, but people who have only been working their 3 months are getting more hours than those of us who have been working for more than a year. Does that seem right to you? Doesn’t make much sense to me.

Let it all out...your girlfriends will always have your back.

However, it’s great talking to my coworkers about girly things. I got to hash out a few things about this past weekend with New Guy that didn’t quite make sense to me. Like, how he made a pretty big decision for the both of us, and just decided not to tell me. I had to assume it, or I should have assumed it by now. HA! I can’t read the male mind, nor do I want to, most days. It was plain nice to talk to other girls about this sort of stuff. JCP – Sunday edition. Always a new topic, always a new crisis to fix. We seriously need to be contracted out to do a show like The Office. No doubt, it would be a smash hit.

My beloved hockey team got its ass kicked by a mediocre team. First game, they tied. Second game, they were plain shut out. What an embarrassment. Very disappointing, but hopefully they get their act together in time for the play-offs. It would be pretty amazing to go on to win another national championship!

Boys...boys...boys!

All in all, I don’t think I could be watching a crappier movie than I am at this very second. Miley Cyrus, how you thought you would undoubtedly be nominated for an Academy Award for your role in this movie is beyond me. I, who have very little camera acting experience, would have done a much better job. I would actually know what acting is, and not just let me mouth gape the entire time.  And how you, Nicholas Sparks, could state out loud and in interviews that you only imagined Miley Cyrus in this role the entire time you were writing the book? That’s pretty tragic. (If you know what movie I’m talking about, you get a double amount of bonus points…and brownies.)

If you guessed The Last Song...you were right! What's wrong with you for knowing about this movie!? Augh!

Words I want to leave you with tonight? Oh, they are good.

“Neighbors. I’d rather have thrush.” 

Thrush...not an appropriate dinner table topic.

Spoken like a true champ, the credentialed cut-up, Pamela Stephenson.

So you know what thrush is? A yeast infection that develops in the mouth and throat and on the tongue.

ISH.

You must really hate the neighbors if you wish that upon yourself.

Can’t say I hate my neighbors. I don’t even dislike them. They’re all elderly. You have to understand, I live in an apartment complex that houses the non-party animal college students and the elderly who are still able to live capably on their own. And when I say the college students are non-party animals, it doesn’t mean we don’t go out and party. But you’re not going to walk into your room at 2 in the morning, and still have music vibrating the walls.

I make sure the walls vibrate in other ways. Ha..ha!

Like last weekend, I’ll leave you with seven things you may not know about this Modern Jedi. Enjoy the last few minutes of this wonderfully topsy-turvy weekend.  We’ll return to the ways of the Force tomorrow. May the Force be with you.

1.)

Eyeshadow is my favorite cosmetic to play with.

2.)

Grabbing ice cream sundaes with my friends is a favorite summer evening activity of mine.

3.)

Three margaritas later, I was saying lots of things to New Guy I normally would have kept quite about. It worked out in the end, though.

4.)

One of my favorite comfort foods. It never fails. Adding peas to this traditional dish was one of the best cooking decisions ever.

5.)

I'm a writer. This stuff matters. Learn and abide by it.

6.)

In the last 1.5 years, my sister has literally become my closest friend.

7.)

I have a token for all my favorite nerdy movie moments. This will soon be added, I'm sure.

Oh yeah, my apartment smells like burnt buttered popcorn. Go me! Night, y’all 🙂

Get Me Coffee, and No One Gets Hurt.

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Who know who I don’t understand?

Not a lick of meat on here...and I ask why?

Vegetarians.

I also don’t understand people who willing give up dairy and people who treat any caffeinated beverage as an equal level drug to cocaine.

Seriously? I don’t get these people at all.

I tried going 1 week without meat. 1 week. By the end of that week,I inhaled the steak my mom cooked on the grill for me. I just can’t do it. I’m a meat eater, a full-blooded carnivore. There’s nothing tastier than a medium-well steak for a special occasion, a hamburger o na typical summer day, a hot dog at a baseball game (although I don’t necessarily believe that hot dogs are real meat…different topic entirely), or shrimp marinated in red sauce on a vacation somewhere. Or a pork chop after a long day of work on the farm.

Just looking at it makes my mouth water

But seriously, steak and baked potatoes on the grill has got to be one of the best meals in the entire world, made complete it fresh sweet corn slathered in soft butter.

Maybe its the way I was raised, but I couldn’t last more than a day on nothing but greens. Yeah, it’s supposedly better for you. Taste trumps healthy any day. Especially when my momma is cooking.

Have you  noticed when you try to recreate one of your mother’s famous or traditional dishes, you never seem to get it quite right? It’s true what they say. I’ll never be as a good a cook as my mother.

No one cooks like Mom can.

I am getting better though. I did successfully make a shrimp stir fry, a honey mustard vinaigrette topped frisee salad, and a French beef stew (it had a fancier name, but I can’t remember it at the moment.)

“I just gave up dairy, caffeine, and sugar because I was feeling sluggish, tired, and anxious.  Now I have a lot more energy to feel angry and deprived.”

These are the words from the pseudo health nut Jennifer Siegal.

I think she understands my hungry soul

Honey, I know exactly what you’re talking about. If I don’t have my caffeine fix at some point before the clock strike noon, I’m as irritable as cat wanting its belly to be scratched. Put some coffee in me, and *poof* I am a woman reborn.

Ain't it the truth?

Although, I do have the habit of only consuming coffee in the morning. I put enough cream and sugar and whipped cream on it to fill my calorie needs for the first half of the day, and the I pig out around dinner time with whatever I’m eating.

So healthy, right? It’s amazing I like cooking.

As far as giving up dairy. Sorry, I can’t do that either. I understand some people are lactose intolerant and just physically can’t consume the stuff without making themselves sick. I was a dairy princess with a girl who was lactose intolerant, but yet she stood proudly to represent the dairy industry. Now, that is dedication.

You could also see dedication in my brother. He’s a dairy farmer and also lactose intolerant. Talk about your contradictions, but yet he’s still working towards producing the most wholesome product anyone could ask for.

Yes, there is a thing called a Dairy Princess.

Go back in your mind to the hottest summer day you can recall. Other than a giant pool or ice cooler all to yourself, nothing tastes better than a popsicle or an ice cream cone.

Cookie Dough. Hands Down. Thee best ice cream in the nation. Actually, according to the nation the favorite flavor of ice cream is vanilla.

This also makes me drool.

It’s amazing to me how people give up something like meat from their diets. Yeah, I suppose it is healthier for you. Not such heavy foods in ones stomach, things are easier to digest, blah blah blah. Sometimes, though, I crave a huge, juicy burger with all the fixings.

And if I make it in the high-paced industry I’d love to break into, caffeine isn’t going to be merely an accessory. It’s going to be required in order to make it through the day. Sometime in the next five years, I’m assuming I’ll make my move down to the cities. The cities that are much bigger than the city I currently reside in. Once I’ve established a way of living there, I really want to earn my Paralegal License.

I would look, like, so professional with that.

I actually really like doing research. Not every thing I look up is the most interesting fact in the world, but I do enjoy learning new things, especially if I can prove something wrong by looking something up.

I’m so competitive. I almost smacked a kid in the face with a tennis ball because I couldn’t stand the thought of letting him hit a ball past me.

I’m not the only one who does it, but when I need that extra kick, what do I turn to? Coffee. Any type of coffee. Black, flavored,iced, hot,minty, lite, skinny, grande. I’m a Caribou Coffee girl. Starbucks is great when there’s no other option, but Caribou is where it’s at! Even their lite drinks taste better than anything I’ve ever attempted to make that is supposedly “healthy” for you.

I don’t have anything against being healthy, but don’t tell me the way I’ve been eating since the age of 4 is wrong. Clearly,I’m doing something right. I’m slender, toned up, not anywhere near obese (now that I’m past the Freshman 15 and the sophomore 25, ha!) and I’m active. None of my clothes fit anymore.

Treat yourself every now and then.

For the first time in my life, I’m buying size smalls. What a great feeling. Somehow I lost weight without trying. Granted, I drank a lot of coffee and only coffee. No cigarettes, though. They stain your teeth, give you bad breath, and could have really bad things in store for me since I’m on birth control.

There’s a story in every cookbook, and my collection is growing more and more each day. It’s a guilty indulgence of mine to go o Amazon.com and see what new ones, new and old, I can dig up.

Not only am I addicted to Pinterest, but also Amazon. My wallet hates me whenever a new Star Wars book or movie soundtrack comes out. I can’t just buy one thing, I might as well get 2 or 3!

It’s an ugly sight.

Tomorrow I will be attempting to make caramel popcorn. It should be pretty tasty. Guess what? I’m pretty sure both sugar and dairy are involved in the recipe.

Fingers crossed it turns out. I'm making it for movie night with New Guy

Seriously, think about it. When you give up caffeine,sugar, and dairy, there is nothing you can eat. Except for water.

People of the universe…go out and eat something. Something just plain terrible for you. Then, go run it off…or dance it off…or clean your house thoroughly…just do something! Like the commercial. Just do.

My do? dancing in the kitchen, drinking a glass of wine while cooking up a storm. Oh yeah, I sing too

When there is food, eat. A great Jedi master once said that.

And I plan to follow that wisdom like no one’s business.

The only thing hungry about this girl is the name of the cook book. I eat what I want, when I want!

I Thought Senators Only Gave Formal Apologies

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No one want to the bitter one of any failed relationship. Mutually agreed upon to split or a full-out broken heart kind of end. No one wants to be “that” guy.

It’s been brought to my attention that maybe I have been “that” someone. My gut is in all sorts of knots right now because that was not my intention, and I’m not the sort of person to leave things hanging when something causes this feeling inside of me.

Looking back at past postings, I do have to acknowledge I may not have been the nicest person to those who have come and gone from my life. Everything I have written on here could be labeled as personal. It’s coming from me, the author. It’s stuff I’m drawing from my real life. Of course, it’s going to be personal. At the same time, I may have crossed the line with my personal touches and that may be painting someone in a bad light.

I would like to say I’m sorry.

You have your different types of personalities in this world. There are your thinkers, your feelers, your strategists, your introverts, your extroverts. Me? I’m a feeler, and that means I go with my emotions. I listen to my gut and trust it to lead me in the right direction. When it comes to writing, I go with my gut. If I want to say something, I’m going to say it. Damn the consequences. The pen is mightier than the sword.

It’s true in this case. As I have attempted to illustrate point after point with anecdotes from my real life, I have been putting some unflattering light on others. Most specifically, my ex-boyfriend.

This was not my intention.

Yes, we had a rocky break-up. Yes, it was completely out of the blue on my end to hear the words “We need to talk.” Dishing out details of our relationship together may not have been the smartest moves on my part. At times, when I am sharing with all of you, I am angry at him. You know the different stages of a break-up? I’m pretty sure I’m still in the angry phase with him. There are many unanswered questions I want to ask him. Maybe I have received the answers to them, but I refuse to accept their answers. I’m not entirely sure.

Break-ups aren’t pleasant for anyone. As I have written and blogged and posted my feelings and opinions away, I may have hurt any chance we have of being friends with him after the fact.

Many of you don’t know who he is. You read these postings, and wonder who this guy is and maybe even question yourself why I, the Modern Jedi, seem to hold him in such contempt. Some of you do know who I’m talking about. You know things now that may change not only your perception of him, but of me. That’s the risk I’ve taken. There are many sides to each and every person in this world. I don’t know if you can ever really know them all.

An apology on here is close to meaning nothing. Whatever damage has happened, has happened. I can’t take back the words already spoken. But I feel this is a step in the right direction.

I really am sorry.

I haven’t been fair while only highlighting the bad parts of the relationship. There were many, many good times in our time together. So many times, I can’t even recount them all. The ones I do recall…we’d be here for a while. Our time together was special, and it isn’t something I want to look back on and have tainted by these moments of stupidity. I react when my emotions react. More often than not, I turn to writing.

It wasn’t my intention to take him down, belittle him, get my revenge on him, or anything like that. Sometimes I was writing to highlight a point I was making. That was it. He happened to be a part of my example. I can see how this could be viewed as a terrible thing. It may be something that only makes sense in my head, and in my head alone.

But, I do apologize from the bottom of my heart. I did love him. I still do love him. Maybe not in the same way as before, but love is a complicated thing

You don’t just flip an emotion that strong off on a moment’s notice.

I’m sure he’ll come up in conversation again. I’ll think it over three times instead of two from here on out.

Living in the past is not the Jedi way,  but it is hard to forget. Not that the Jedi encourage you to forget what has happened in your life. Not at all. Remember and continue on. I’m hoping this apology starts to make amends. Even though I have not heard it from him himself, I know how things have been perceived and words have been exchanged with others.

I don’t know what the future holds. Whether he and I will have another shot, or if that was it, I’m not the one to answer that question. Life is full of twists and turns. You never know where you’ll be swept off to. If Fate decides to give us another chance,  I hope I have not ruined it.

Good luck to you, in all your endeavors. I only want the best for you. You know why? At one time in my life, you were my best friend. You never wish ill upon those you once held near and dear.

Addiction Love

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She thought she'd lose who she was once she said 'I do.'

“I loathe the very principle of matrimony. It must end in failure, and it is death to a woman’s personality. She must drop the theme and begin to start playing the accompaniment.”

Those are the words of Katherine Mansfield, a verbal virtuoso.

Guess what? I wholly disagree with her.

There are going to be two things any potential life mate of mine would have to know straight upfront:

1.) My Star Wars room is going to be set and designated in our house before his Man Cave.

2.) One night a week will be date night. I’m assuming we’re both going to lead super busy, and successful, lives. But, one night a week, we’ll set it all aside for romance. It was love that got us there…and we’re going to keep that love alive.

Once a week, it'll be just us.

Really, there is a lot more than two things that will be agreed upon when I finally find the man to be my match. The sun to my shine. The ying to my yang. The Han to my Solo.

It should be pretty self-explanatory, but there will be kisses and lots of them. One in the morning, one before heading off to work, one when we see each other after work, and one right before we close our eyes to go to sleep. Pretty much a kiss-off whenever we part ways. You never know when it will be the last time you have the chance to kiss them. So take the times you have, and don’t be skimpy. I don’t mean be nasty about it either, but don’t hide your love for each other. It only leaves bad memories in the end.

It doesn’t need to be one of my ‘rules’ for him to respect me. If he doesn’t respect me, I wouldn’t allow myself to be engaged to him in the first place.

That one kiss could be the last. You just never know. Don't take that chance and regret it later.

As far as my personality being rid of the moment I am married? Forget about it. My personality is my charm. I’m fairly good-looking, I’ll admit that, but where does my charm actually fall into place? My personality. It was my personality that got me Miss Congeniality twice when I was crowned a Dairy Princess.

Yes, yes, I know you are either shaking your head in confusion at what that title is, or you do know what it is, and you’re smiling/chuckling/smirking/or maybe even laughing. You might even be calling me stupid at the moment. I don’t care! I am proud of my title. I still have my crown and, when I’m back home in my old room, I put the crown back on my head and I relive the good old times. I was a great princess. I got to put my speaking skills to use. Another reason my charming personality comes in handy. When I need to convince someone, I really know what I’m doing.

Real life Princess, y'all.

It seems like everyone is getting engaged these days. First, my best friend. Now, my sister. I’m sure my brother is right behind as soon as my sister ties the knot. I just have a feeling…Anyways, if people aren’t getting engaged, they’re popping out kids. My oldest sister is expecting her third child this September! Yahoo! She’s even asked me to be godmother…I can’t wait. Another little bundle of precious is heading my way. Best part? When there’s a dirty diaper or fussy spell happening, I can hand them back to mommy.

So many good ideas! I should be a wedding planner...I love this stuff.

I used to think about marriage a lot. More than I’d like to admit. When you’re with someone more than 12 months, you begin to allow yourself to think things. That blew up in my face. I won’t be thinking marriage fantasies with any guy I know personally for a long time. Josh Groban will be my wedding fantasy staple…as will Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Christian Bale. Mmmmm, those sure are some good-looking men.

It’s pathetic how much power the most self-assured women give to me, whether they realize they are doing it or not. Once my ex-boyfriend and I split, I saw how much of my time I gave to him. I could have been spending my Friday nights out with friends who are no longer here in the area. What do they say? Sistas before mistas? I did hold my ground early in the relationship. If I didn’t hear back from him by a certain time, I went and made other plans. Screw you for making me wait.

That sure changed after a while. Ugh, I turned into one of those girls. Pathetic!

My Mom always told me if a guy made me cry and didn’t apologize for it, he didn’t deserve me. Don’t you hate it when Mom is always right?

Since I am my sister’s Maid of Honor, I’ve been looking at lots of bridal magazines, floating around on Pinterest to look at bridal ideas, trying on 1.5 million bridesmaid dresses, just absolutely everything, and I’ve loved it. But it always comes back around to the thought of “when will it be my turn?” I’m still young. I have lots of time…according to my mother, I have a little over 6 years to tie the knot (I should probably mention she was joking when this statement was made to me!)

I did have the fantasy of meeting my soul mate in my years here at the Academy. We’d meet freshmen year, become close friends over the next couple, and right before graduation realize how much we mean to the other, and get together. We settle into our first jobs, make a few strides in our careers over the next few ground-breaking years, and finally when we’re both in a good place, he gets down on one knee and slides a ring on my finger.

That’s why they’re called fantasies. Most don’t turn out. I thought I was on my way to one…well, we know how that turned out. A fractured heart, a broken spirit for romance, an over analytical mind for mens’ intentions towards me, and the ever bearing question of “Am I worth it to anyone?”

I'll never give up on it.

Then again, I tend to be a little dramatic about things.

Love is something that will always be a huge influence on my life. The thought that a guy could take away from me what makes me who I am? I understand how it happens. You get wrapped up in the idea of love, and change your ways to please him. The honest truth? You shouldn’t have to change. If you are changing, it should be because you’re growing and becoming more in tune with yourself, not changing to please someone else. Screw him if he can’t handle you. Screw him if he thinks your intimidating (grow a pair…or maybe, grow up!). Screw him if he thinks he isn’t willing to put forth what you need in a relationship. It’s a two-way street.

She had to be quite the Jedi to catch Obi-Wan's eye.

Love and marriage isn’t actually applauded in the Jedi way. Although, every great Jedi we know of has had a close, intimate relationship with another being. They didn’t let love get in the way of their main duty, to protect the Republic, but they had someone they could trust. Someone…to be a best friend. Who meant the world to them, and who they would protect with their own lives until the end of time. Granted, these close relationship almost killed them and drove them insane at one point or another, but they felt it. They found the missing piece of their own life. Obi-Wan Kenobi even had a relationship with another Jedi Knight, Siri Tachi.

Love is out there for me. Somewhere. Movies like ‘The Vow’ definitely aren’t helping matters. Better yet, Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. That date would have marked my 2-year anniversary with someone. It’s going to be an interesting day. Shortly after the day of  love, I will have chunks of abnormal flesh cut out of my baby maker.

Happy Valentine’s Day, indeed. Nothing says I love you quite like a surgical procedure.

Tear jerker for sure. I just have a hunch.

Like a typical girl, I have my favorite love stories. Certain love stories just make an impact on you. The first one, above any other, is my parents. They have been together for 28 years this summer. Nowadays, that’s unheard of. You know what? They are still as in love as the day they met. My mom even turned down my dad the first time he proposed. Didn’t matter…they married eventually the following year.

Best couples:

1.) Pam and Jim Halpert from “The Office”

What real love should look like.

2.) Rapunzel and Flynn Rider from “Tangled”

Goes to show love will sneak up on you when you least expect it

3.) Rose and Jack from “Titanic”

One of the classics.

4.) Elizabeth and William Turner from “Pirates of the Caribbean”

It took them forever to finally be together...and she remains faithful all those years.

5.) Jacob Palmer and Hannah from “Crazy Stupid Love”

How a stupid impulse can turn into your greatest love story.

6.) Allie and Noah from “The Notebook”

It shows true love never dies.

7.) Kate Middleton and Prince William

A modern fairy tale...so so so lovely!

Last, but not least,

8.) Princess Leia and Han Solo

Scoundrel? Scoundrel. I like the sound of that.

I could list another 20 couples, but these are the top of my list right now. I have my reasons, and I don’t know care what you think about my picks. You like the love stories you like. These are the ones I’m crazy about, and hope happen to me in some way, shape or form.

Love is always on my mind. It’s a universal thing. When it hits…it hits. You have to admit…the rush from falling in love? It’s pretty addicting. Even more addicting? The rush of butterflies every time you kiss that special someone.

It’s official, guys. I’m a goner. May the Force be with me.

When I finally say 'I do', he better be doing this inside his head.I'm quite the catch.

The Results Are In…

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No, I’m not talking about the Oscars. That was so Tuesday morning. As pressing a matter as they are (hello! I now have at least 10 movies to watch in the next month!), bigger things have sailed onto my horizons.

Ever have those days where you can’t look yourself in the eye?

He's braver than I

Up until a couple of hours ago, I wasn’t. I keep questioning myself in lots of areas of my life. This has all come about in a matter of hours. I knew something was off when I woke up this morning. The last couple I have woken up with such energy and fervor. Almost like last Thursday never happened. As if I never went to the doctor and had pieces of my inner tissues removed in a rather painful manner. The depression of the days that followed that doctor’s appointment…the veil had been lifted, and I could breathe easy again.

Feels good to hurt again. When you hurt in a good way, that is.

Nothing is going to happen to me. I’m in the best health I could be in. I’m starting to work out again for 2 hours, three days a week. I walk absolutely everywhere. My eating habits could use some improvement, but I can honestly say I’m not standing in line at Burger King every day attempting to try everything on the menu at least once.  I’ve recently started playing tennis again, and combine that with an hour of Pilates/yoga/ non-stop dancing, my muscles haven’t felt like this in months. I love it. I’m active again, and I’m active with a sport that makes me grin from ear to ear. I keep pushing and pushing myself, and it’s only Day 2 of tennis play.

I have to keep reminding myself that many in this class have never touched a racquet before….and my first instinct is just to pound on them with each stroke I make. I’m even scoping out the ones that will be a challenge for me, and I’m learning their tics already. I should have warned everyone how competitive I can get. Even I can’t stand how competitive I get. I’m not as bad as Monica on Friends, but it’s a close comparison.

She would, of course, argue she is the more competitive one.

So, I got the phone call from the doctor this afternoon. My results are in. They found spots that aren’t looking too healthy. The flip side of the coin? The deepest portion of my nether regions turned up clean. So whatever I have, it hasn’t spread too deeply. The spots they did find, however, range from mild to moderate dysplasia. Mild level dysplasia will clear itself out. It’s something you have to monitor, but with a healthy body, it will work its way out of your system. Moderate level is a slightly different story. Moderate levels show I have abnormal precancerous cells developing in my body. So…what else is there to do but remove them? Yep, sections of my body will be removed yet again.

The bright side to this portion of the results? I don’t have a high level of dysplasia. High level usually means immediate treatment, and it’s a good chance the cancer has started to form. If my moderate levels are left unattended, this could be the result. But, we’re going to remove them, so I’m not letting my mind go there just yet.

Not only can I finish my the books now, but I can continue to feed my new-found obsession

The lower half of my body will be numbed, and according to the nurse I spoke to, the numbing is the worst part. Once I can’t feel anything, it’s a breeze. I am not allowed to do any exercising or strenuous activity for a couple of days afterward. Well, duh. You’re cutting off layers of my cervix, and whether people (other than women) realize this or not, simple things like walking is sometimes very painful when you’re hurting down there! Anyways, that’s the couple of days following the procedure. For 3-4 weeks after, I’m not allowed to insert or do anything that could affect that specific area of my body.

Using a tampon when Aunt Flow is in town? Not for the next month or two.

This sort of seduction will have to be put on hold.

Sex? It’s out of the question for at least a month.

Thank God I’m not one of those people who have very strange piercings! (Another silver lining, mayhaps?)

Like any open wound, it’s going to bleed. What happens when you press a blade against someone’s flesh with enough force? You cut them. That’s what’s happening here. I can’t disturb that area of my body as it goes through its natural healing process. It’s going to scab, it’s going to be uncomfortable, and if I work myself too strenuously too soon, I could bleed for a while and not know it. Long story short….it wouldn’t be my period, and it wouldn’t be good news.

I would personally like a pre-dinner drink.

So, that’s my situation. I received the phone call only a couple of hours ago, and it’s still sinking in. Precancerous cells. A chance you could have cancer. Due to the prefix “pre”, it’s what comes before cancer.

This is why I’ve been avoiding my own gaze in the mirror for a large part of this early evening. What could I have done differently? I had talked to my mother about getting a Pap smear the summer I turned 21, as is recommended. But I didn’t. I either pushed it off because I didn’t want to burden my parents with another doctor’s bill, or I forgot to make the call. The reason I went to a gynecologist finally? I was still passing out from the extreme, painful cramping I’d experience when Aunt Flow was in town, and I passed out in the bathroom at the office I was interning at that summer. I went in to the doctor the next week.

But even then! That doctor recommended I get a Pap smear right then and there because I was 22 and had never been examined. I still said no. I’ll wait until I’m back at the Academy. I talked about it for 2 years before I finally made the appointment. The real reason I called and made the appointment? My birth control prescription was running out, and I needed it renewed.

The question I ask myself now. If I had not been such a dink about calling and making an appointment, would the doctors have caught this earlier? Would this even be an issue weighing on my mind right now? That was two Pap smears I could have had, and gotten ahead of this with. Now I’m facing precancerous cells. Precancerous. Ugh, I can’t handle the word.

Too busy. Every modern day person's excuse.

Granted, this brings up different issues, too. I should have been more strict with my ex-boyfriend about wearing a condom when we slept together. I shouldn’t have taken “I can’t feel anything once it’s on”  or “You’re on birth control, we’ll be fine” as legitimate excuses with him. When we broke up, I probably shouldn’t have been in such a hurry to forget about him and try to make myself move on right away.  I may not have made the smartest choices so soon after a break-up. Of course, they seemed completely logical at the time! And no, I don’t regret them. They were decisions that made me who I am today, typing to you all about my sexual life 🙂

Now, there’s New Guy. How do I bring this up to him? I know he’ll be okay with it, but I still worry about his reaction. We’re very good about protection, but how do I know I haven’t spread something to him? Heck, I don’t even know if it can be passed on. Another reason maybe why I should stop having sex for a while….ha, right! (Just being honest, folks.)

Not sure how to tell my family without them freaking out about it. All my mom will hear is the word ‘cancer’, and she’ll be in a frantic state of mind. As will my newly pregnant oldest sister. Agh…this is very hard to even think about. I think hearing or seeing them cry is going to be enough to break me.

No time for questions...but yet they linger.

Another question comes to mind….if I had kept myself celibate, would I even be in this position?

I’ll never know.

This procedure is not going to be pleasant by any means. Nor will the slight recovery that’s going to follow it. The Human side of me wants to figure out the meaning behind all of this. Why me, why is this happening now, what is the lesson behind it, what will I learn out of this ordeal….I’m one of those people who feels everything happens for a reason. The choices we make determines how we get there, but we still have the freedom of the choice. Serendipity, I believe it is called.

The Jedi side of me says to let the anger, or sadness, or confusion come, then let it go. Move on. Deal with it as it comes at you. Looking into the future does no good. The future is always changing.

You may not have heard of her. I barely have. But the Lady Mary Wortley Montagu kept copious correspondence in the seventeenth century and it survives her.

“It is eleven years since I have seen my figure in a glass: the last reflection i saw there was so disagreeable, i resolved to spare myself such mortifications for the future, and shall continue that resolution to my life’s end.”

She was the early version of a blogger.

No woman should end up feeling that way. When I’m 75 years old, I hope to look in the mirror and see a beautiful face staring back at me, a face full of memories, laugh lines, wrinkles, and sun tan lines from my sunglasses. That’s on the top of my list of biggest pet peeves. Botox. Don’t change the way of nature’s course on your face. Faces are meant to crinkle, and pinch, and line itself. Laughing and crying are good things. They tell a story on your face. I have the highest respect for actresses like Meryl Streep who refuse to let anyone change the natural course of their face’s structure. Lines are embraced.

Some people just have all the luck, the career, and the talent.

Not only do I want to look in the mirror and see something beautiful still there, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I want to still see a spark in my eye. One that says I’ve enjoyed everything I have done, good or bad. Back when I first stepped onto the dating scene officially…as in I wanted to really start a relationship with someone, I was done fooling around for fun with no attachements…I did find those first couple of relationships. One of them was going really well. Let’s call him Night Walker (because that was our thing….we went for long walks at the dead of night.) Well, a month or so into our relationship, another guy kissed me out of the blue, and I didn’t stop him. I, in fact, kissed him back. Then, there was my cute neighbor next door. When we both had a few too many drinks, you could almost guarantee one of us would text the other. One night is all that took…we fooled around, and I knew I had to end it with Night Walker. I ended it with Night Walker for several reasons. The kissing other guys bit may have only influenced my decision to end things more so.

They say if you cheat on your current bf/gf, there’s a reason. Something’s not working in the relationship. As hard is it may be to say out loud, it’s the truth. The Jedi are all about the truth.

Don't fight what you know is right.

Give me a day or two. I’ll be looking at myself in the mirror again without a doubt or question in my eyes. I’ve had those mornings….Look in the mirror…”I did what with who?” “No, I don’t remember that.” “Wow…that’s an unflattering picture.”

All of the above. Been there. Done that. Over it.

Smile at yourself in that mirror. In the end, you may be all that you’ve got.

Not for the Jedi…the Jedi always has the Force.

Our Masters are never too far away. They return when they are needed.

More Like Isuck

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The ultimate discovery in technology

Full of contradiction, I am. Any one can guess one thing about me (even if you’ve visited this blog only once.) I’m a huge Star Wars fan. To say I am a Star Wars geek is really too much of an understatement. Geek doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of what I am. I’m a self-proclaimed Jedi! I’m actively following the Jedi Path! (Some might call that crazy, but it makes sense to me.) There’s really nothing else to it. We’re all  unique individuals. That’s beside the point.

Contradiction.

Be aware.

For as big a lover of Star Wars as I am, an entire universe filled with top-notch items of technology, the highest of the highest qualities….and I hate advancements in technology.

Before you all get into a huff about my statement, let me say a few things. There are lots of advancements that are beneficial to people. Medical testings are far more efficient and can tell us more than we have ever wanted to know. From a simple flake of skin, someone can tell you what you ate today, yesterday, and probably a week ago. Given my current standing with my health, I’m all for technology in medicine. My grandma had Alzheimer’s, and she passed away three years ago this November. In those three years, the medical world has made strides in understanding that disease, and know so much more now then back when my grandma was first diagnosed with it. Technology has its benefits.

I hate it for other reasons.

Natalie Merchant, OF 10,000 Maniacs fame, has spoken the words to my soul, and she doesn’t even know it:

“There’s no other piece of furniture in my home I’d stare at for three hours at a time, so I try not to do it to the TV.”

Amen, sister!

Amen! Truer words have only been spoken by Yoda.

Take the Ipad, for example. It’s the newest, raging thing. Everybody has to have one. I ask one simple question: Why? It’s doing for you the same exact things that an Iphone or BlackBerry does. (Does anyone even use BlackBerries anymore?) You can still check your email, surf the web, text and chat with friends, check the weather at a seconds notice, see how traffic is, double-check your flight time, play games like Frogger and Angry Birds, download music, watch videos, take pictures….all these things you can already do on the device you have. It’s why laptops were invented! Laptops were too heavy and bulky to carry around, now Iphones are too small (What? Can’t get enough apps on that thing?), so now we’re turning to Ipads. The main reason I’ve heard people want an Ipad? Cuz now I can read a book AND do all my business on the same device?

The devil himself had his hand in the creation of this dastardly thing.

Excuse me? That’s the best you can come up with? So now you can read a book AND check your email? Is it too hard to carry a small 1.5 lbs paperback book, and pick it up after setting down your Ipad?

There is one thought here. Actually, two. We are too dependent on technology, and we’re lazy. We’ve known our country is super lazy since its come out that younger generations may actually die quicker than our parents, all due to our states of obesity, lack of exercise, and infatuation with food. Don’t get me wrong. I love cooking, and I love eating twice as much. Nothing is more satisfying than knowing I slaved over this meal, then sitting down to it and finding it to be absolutely delicious. It’s one of the main reasons I still like cooking!

Not only is technology constantly draining our wallets of dollars and cents, but it’s also costing us the luxury of human interaction. We no longer know how to act around each other, and it’s just plain sad. People actually have to make a conscious effort to dial a phone number versus texting. Wouldn’t it be quicker to call someone, ask them the question you need an answer to *right now*, and have that conversation over with in 3 minutes versus waiting 3 hours for a reply text message? I think I would rather call. There’s something about hearing a loved one’s voice, too, that is so much more personal. Take me and New Guy. I would rather have him call me at 2:00 am on a Saturday evening after he’s done hanging out with the boys and hear his voice (even if slightly intoxicated) then get an impersonal text message, and guess at the tone of voice he’s carrying. Talking versus texting clears up more confusion than you might think. I have the tendency to overanalyze e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. So, I’m an expert on clearing things up now versus 2 days from now.

I’m using ‘versus’ a lot. Yeah, I’m in a fighting mood tonight.

Ugh...hello. You're an actual human...I don't know what to do without my phone to text you...

I’m not trying to say I don’t ever do these things, too. I purposely avoided calling my sisters the other night to update them on my medical state of being. One of them I know would be overly concerned for my condition, and given the mood I was in for a couple of days, I would have been broken down even further. To avoid that, I sent them a text message. Yes, very impersonal. On the flip side, if my news ends up being more terrible, I will call and tell them. Could you imagine receiving a text telling someone you have an incurable disease? “Hey…went to the doc…I have cancer…TTYL!” Yeah…no. Not happening…and how rude!

There are three times I remember spending more than 3 hours in front of my TV. That day was New Year’s Day of this very year. So, 23 days ago. I stayed on my couch the whole day. Why? I was incredibly hung over. It’s amazing what champagne does to you the morning after. I was nauseous from the Fish Filet sandwich we all grabbed at 3 in the morning after dancing, drinking and bringing in the new year. I was dizzy…lack of water does that to you. So, I sucked on a bottle of water all day, kept the aspirin near by, kept the walking path to the bathroom clear, and just zonked out on the couch. It was the day I started my fascination with The Office, and I made it through 3 seasons in one day.

Dwight agrees with me. Another reason we're soul mates.

To people who do nothing but in front of your TV all day on a regular basis…oh my gawd. How do you stand it? Feeling as icky as I was, by that evening I needed to get up and do something. I didn’t care if I threw everything up from walking from my front door to my car. I needed to move!

Best meal you can have after getting 4 teeth removed.

The second time was when I had my wisdom teeth removed. They put you on some very potent drugs for that procedure. All I remember is my arm trying to get to my arm in order to pull the IV out (they strapped my arms down after that), and then they were poking me awake to walk to the recovery area. Very weird. Next thing I know, I’m in my mom’s car after passing out while she ran into Wal-Mart to have my prescription filled and blood is running down my neck and onto my favorite white Star Wars t-shirt (for good luck…you know, in case they decided to kill me in that procedure.) I got home, ate a mouthful of a Shamrock Shake from McDonalds, and passed out in my bed. I woke up in the late evening because my mom woke me up to watch the episode of Lost on that evening. What a great mother…

The third time was a reeeeally long time ago. I just spent 3 weeks in Australia, and stepped foot on my native home-state soil. It’s an 18-hour flight back from Sydney to Los Angeles. Plus, another 4 hours from L.A. to my home state. I don’t know how I managed it, but I didn’t sleep at all in those 18 hours between continents. I thought I would be so bored all I would want to do is sleep halfway through. Nope. I watched Million Dollar Baby twice, caught a few other movies, and read a bunch. Got up to use the bathroom twice, and basically soaked up the atmosphere of being in such a huge plane. I zonked out when we boarded the second plane in LA before we even took off. But I got home, said my hello’s to everyone in my family…and then crashed for a good 14 hours. Went to bed at 2 in the morning, I think, and didn’t wake up until 5:00 pm the next afternoon. Best part? My parents just let me sleep. I really do have the greatest parents…

Can't wait to go back one day

So, other than staring at a television endlessly, my bed see’s a ton of action, too. And no, it’s not always THAT kind of action.

Technology changes too fast for people to keep up. That results in people always “needing” the new thing. Listen, everyone, you do not need the new Iphone 4 (or whatever version will be releasing next.) You do not need the Ipad 2. You do not need the Ipod that holds 2 millions songs versus the old version that only held 1.5 million. (Isee a trend happening here. Ha! See what I did there?)

Take a lesson from the Jedi in this area of life. You do not need everything. There is no need for possession. Possession only fosters the need to own, to control, and that can feed one’s anger.

I was on the technology band wagon for a while. I had a new phone. It was a great shade of purple, it was a slider so I could both touch the screen and use a keypad whenever I wanted. I could download videos, surf the web, my text messages looked like an IM conversation instead of individual mini messages. I was a part of the in-crowd. Then, over Easter brunch, my ex-boyfriend accidentally dumped his water-glass on top of it. Yup…of all the ways a water-glass could have fallen at that moment…it fell smack dab on my new phone.

Yeah...it's old. People stare when I use it. I really don't care.

Was I angry? No… I was pissed.I had that phone for less than a month, and it was already destroyed. He apologized, and then bought me a replacement phone. That one lasted longer than a month…then I dropped it in a rain puddle. I took that as a sign from the universe that I didn’t need a high-tech fancy phone. What am I using now? The phone I kept as a back-up, and I had used it all through high school. It’s so old, it doesn’t download pictures through text message. This thing is ancient compared to everyone else’s. You know what? I don’t even care. All I need it for is calling and texting. I don’t need it for any other purpose. That’s why I own a laptop.

I don’t mean to give the impression that I think technology should go crawl in a hole and die, never to rear its ugly head again. Not at all. What it doesn’t need to do is consume everyone’s lives. Technology has its place and purpose. It’s not going away anytime soon, either. A part of life I simply have to deal with. There is great technology pieces out there. Like the GPS unit. If I ever get a big girl job that requires a lot of car travel, I’m going to invest in one. In unknown territory, I am a menace to society.

The main reason I hate the Ipad so much? It’s an attempt to kill my beloved book industry. I’ve been fighting this title for as long as I’ve been at the Academy, but I have come to love it. I am 100% a writer. If I don’t write for a couple of days, my mind and fingers go bonkers. I hate writing some days…all writers do. But when these images enter my mind, or a new story idea hits me like a freight train and I have to write it down, it can only mean one thing. I am a writer. Since I am a self-proclaimed writer (you heard it here first!), I need the book industry. I need the magazine industry. I need newspapers. I need these things that glorify writing to exist. Hence why blogging is quickly becoming one of my favorite things in this great, wide universe.

Colin Firth wouldn't approve of you killing our beloved industry. We'll write bad things about you if we have to!

Don’t kill my book industry. Anyone I see with an Ipad these days hears this lecture from me. My sister gave her fiancée one for Christmas. They both got an earful. I’m still working up the courage to go up to the Nook representative at Barnes and Noble and give them an earful.

That’s another battle. Another time.

My advice to you? Make contact with people. Real, actual, I-can-touch-you-in-a-totally-appropriate-way contact.

I'm always up for a hug.

Have you seen the movie Wall-e? That’s where this world is headed if we’re not careful.

This is not a bright future. AT ALL.

Seriously.

But, so I’m not ending on a morbid note….Here’s my favorite Star Wars find of the day. Enjoy!

Yes....even Star Wars can exist in the world of Facebook.

This Wasn’t Even That An Exciting of a Day!

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Apparently, my creative juices flow at this time of the night. Can’t help it. I need to let my brain reset itself after a long day of classes and work. And a trip to Target.

Target Boutique...My newest shopping obsession

Have I ever talked about my love for Target? Ever since they have updated their style and made it more modern, more chic…I am just in love with that place. I bought three shirts from there. Three! I don’t need more shirts. I have waaaay too many clothes the way it is. It’s one of my strengths as a Jedi. If I have the ability to change my appearance and make up enough characters to be undercover…combine that with my use of the Force? I am unstoppable.

Anyways, I stumbled across thee softest, bestest T-shirts in the world. Not only are they flattering to my figure, they are the comfiest shirts in the world. I picked one up because I  love black v-neck t-shirts, and my old one is getting really thin. To the point where you can see everything through it. You can even tell when I was wearing a black bra in the attempt to conceal  my undergarments. Remember this name: Mossimo pocket tee. Honestly, the best shirts in the world. Found only at Target. Ha! I have no intention of ever using the pocket on the shirt. In fact, on most of the shirts, you don’t even know there’s a pocket.

Seriously...go to Target and get, like, five. Best decision of your life.

So. Comfy.

All in all, a pretty good day.

I’m going to be so sore tomorrow. I had 2 hours of straight physical activity today. My ass hurts…but in a good way. Building muscle. Toning up. Getting back into shape. That’s what we all need. To tone up.

I can work toward a body like that...will it happen? Probably not.

Recently started the 3rd Hunger Games book, and I’m already sucked into it. I forced myself to put it down. Classwork calls, even if it is only putting a collage together in the hopes of representing a class mate through colored paper, a glue stick, Scotch tape and a scissors. It allows me to tap into my creative side. This whole semester is going to be about tapping into my creative side…and getting my intensity back on the court. Can I tell you something? I am unstoppable at the net. Still. After 3 years off the court, it doesn’t leave you. The want to smash that ball into every opponents’ face. I felt myself light up in a way I haven’t in a while. Ugh, I miss playing tennis on a regular basis so badly!

“In high school, I could not pass a math test. I couldn’t pass a drug test. There may be a correlation.”

Those are the words of giggle girl, Lynda Montgomery.

I'm always a fan of funny women. Always.

Makes you think a little bit, doesn’t it? Don’t think too hard. You’ll start to chuckle eventually.

We did one too many shoulder rolls in Modern, and I’m pretty sure I bruised my back. Hard. I can’t even lay on the couch. Sleeping might be an issue tonight. Too bad. I bought a new pillow the other day, and it’s oh-so-comfy. Combine that pillow with these t-shirts and I’d be in heaven. As long as I have a Cosmo and the rest of the Hunger Games to finish…with a pot of coffee and a bowl of ice cream…THEN, I’d be in heaven.

Mine is calling my name right now...why am I not lying on it!!?

If anything makes me laugh really hard, it’s watching myself in the mirror while I’m dancing. I don’t know why people cast me in their dances last semester for the dance show. I cannot move in a beautiful manner to save my life. I’m a flailing, awkward ostrich in that dance studio three times a week. I haven’t killed anybody yet, so maybe I’m not as bad as I think.

Watching more of The Office, I’m convinced that John Krasinksi (the guy who plays Jim, in case you didn’t know) is incredibly funny, talented, CUTE, and just plain makes my heart melt. Hello, dream guy, whoever you are out there in the grand, wide universe? Please be like Jim Halpert. He makes my heart go pitter-patter. How many times as he made me smile? Along with the smile, I think to myself  “one day…one day I’ll have a guy who says that about me, or does that for me.” Ugh, I’m so desperate for love.

Seriously...I'm swooning.

Seriously, my back just cracked in three different places just now, and it wasn’t a pleasant feeling. It’s terrible how out of shape I’ve gotten. We did two laps on a half-track and I was out of breath. Tennis is only making me realize how slow I’ve gotten in the last few years, and it’s really sad. I’m in my twenties and running 100 meters makes me breath hard. Oh god, I need to work out. A Jedi cannot defend those in need if she’s getting breathless running around the block. Seriously…an embarassment.

My dance moves are what caught New Guy's attention. HA! I wish.

New Guy surprised me this evening. In the attempt to be funny, I texted him to say I didn’t get to talk to him much and it made me sad. I miss the early weeks when we texted each other all day long. It was like he was with me throughout the whole day. I thought it was really, really nice. Somewhere along the way, that changed. I don’t like it, but the more I talk about it, the less he seems to want to text me. Not going to lie, some days I feel like I’m chasing him…not like a puppy dog, but pursuing more than any girl should have to pursue a guy. Cosmo mentioned the Rubber Band effect….I’ve tried it. At first, it seemed to work. But now, I feel like a blip on his radar most days.

Ugh, whatever. I’ll get over it. I’m not going to lose my shit over a guy. Even if I really, really do like him.

I’m rambling here. I know I’m not following any coherent flow of events here. I’m just letting it spill out.

I don't think I could eat this pizza...too much awesome!

Want to hear something ridiculous? I ate an entire pizza by myself. You heard it here first.I ate an entire pizza. By Myself. I really felt like a Teenage Ninja Turtle.

I haven’t eaten anything real for the last couple of days. Sounds ridiculous, I know, but I honestly only ate a yogurt with Oreo crumbs in it the other day, and I somehow made it through the entire day. Also, a note to myself…I need to eat something before working out for 2 hours straight. Or drink flavored water. Something with electrolytes.

Other than filling you in on my day, I don’t have much else to say. To end, I’ll include five more things to know about this Jedi. I really do need to take my contacts out. My eyes are feeling like mini deserts. Until next time!

1.)

I'm a farm girl. Laying in the back of a truck, this cozy, looking at the stars? Sounds like romance to me.

2.)

Not only do I want Kate Winslet's dress in this photo, but it's been on my bucket list to Irish Dance with Leo for years...since Titanic came out, actually.

3.)

I still cry at the Lion King.

4.)

The nearest and dearest people to my life. My family = most important thing to me.

5.)

Seriously. Ladies...leggings DO NOT replace pants by any means. I do not want to see your ass that defined unless I'm a doctor. Which, I am not. So keep those cheeks covered!

Twelve Things to Know About This Jedi

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I apologize for the late, late post. I promised I would dedicate this posting to a wonderful guy friend of mine (I think we all know who he is!), but I can’t do it justice at this point of the night. Especially when episodes of  The Office are on. I adore this show more and more I watch it. I’m very behind on The New Girl, but I’ll get on Hulu in the next couple of days.

Today is a much better day than the past few have been. I had to do damage control with New Guy because I can be a very, very stupid girl sometimes. I’ll be the first to admit it, but I also want it on the record here and now: I have no intention of being with anyone else while New Guy is in the picture. I really, really like New Guy, and don’t want to do anything to screw up what we have.

My spirits are much higher than they have been over the past couple of days. No sense of calm by any means. Maybe the Coke is keeping me sedated somehow.

Since I know I need a significant amount of beauty sleep, and plainly need rest, I want to share a number of my favorite things with you. Not just my love for Jedi, Star Wars, or talking about sex (I absolutely adore Cosmo magazine!). But here’s a chance to get to know me, especially if you keep coming back to read my meager blog 🙂

1.)

When my heart was broken only a mere couple months ago, I relied on my strength and the strength of the Force. Look where I am now!

2.)

I put meaning behind everything. Including fingers

3.)

I had my fish Bilbo for years. I need to get another one.

4.)

Anything that makes me feel more like a Jedi...count me in

5.)

Just finished the second book of the series. OH MY GAWD!

6.)

Behind every bad ass Jedi...is a bad ass leather jacket.

7.)

Fashion, beauty, and confidence icon #1 in my life.

8.)

Little mementos are an obsession of mine. Shhh, don't tell anyone.

9.)

Every time I imagine the ideal relationship, I keep coming back to this movie.

10.)

When my time comes to be pregnant, I hope I can be as classy as Natalie Portman.

11.)

I'm a fan of truth. Every time.

12.)

It's on my bucket list. They're out there waiting for me to join their game. And I will win...

Thanks for checking out my blog everyone! I appreciate everything you do, and I encourage you to keep coming back. This year is starting out in a way I never anticipated, and I can’t wait to share it with you. Stay tuned for more, and may the Force be with you throughout this week.

“He who surrenders hope, surrenders life.”

I don’t think it was a coincidence I came across this quote today. The Force is watching over me. I can feel it.

They Prepare You For Nothing

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If the procedure only causes cramping immediatley after said-procedure is done with, why am I feeling pain and discomfort 3 days after the fact?

They probaly aggravated whatever is warring against itself inside my body, and now is taking it out on the host of the whole party. Mainly, me.

My fingers won't stop searching for answers...

I’m on the verge of breaking my rule again. I never allow myself to cry at work. However, my mother called and wanted to know the results of my latest doctor’s appointment, and while I was talking to her, I started to cry. I have no answers for anyone other than I’m still undergoing testing. I’m being checked for a variety of things, and none of them are good. I’ve been doing some reading on what it means to have a high grade level of white blood cells, and nothing I have read so far has caused my heart to stop pounding, my mind to stop racing, or my fingers to stop searching for my phone in case I missed the doctor’s call. I have no answer’s for anybody, least of all myself. Just hundreds of scenerios, and only about one of them turns out happily ever after.

Ugh, I know I promised you all a happier post than the last couple. It’s hard to shake something like this from your mind.

Yup. I passed out from having pieces of my flesh cut off me. Who knew?

They can prepare you for a lot of things in school. Wear sunscreen at all times, especially in the peak hours between 10:00 am – 2:00 pm. Don’t smoke unless you want your lungs to look like pulverized flank steaks. Use a condom, or you’ll end up with a bundle of joy you’re not ready to handle. When you’ve been drinking, do not get behind the wheel of any sort of vehicle. When a friend needs help, you offer a hand. No one prepares you for abnormal Pap smears. No one prepares you for being violated in the doctor’s office, all in the name of health. (Everything that happened in there was needed, and was for my benefit so we know what we’re dealing with….but man, I felt a little dirty afterwards….or maybe it was embarrassment from passing out and needing the doctor to grab me an apple juice.)

Bottom line, no one prepares you for it. Just like no one can prepare you for the death of a beloved pet or a loved one. I have lost 2 dogs and a goldfish that meant the world to me. Major was the first German Shepard I ever had growing up. What a tough, sweet-hearted dog. He would have ripped your leg off for me. Then, there was Titan, who we got shortly before I went away to the Academy. I was afraid when I went away, he wouldn’t remember me. I didn’t have to worry. The second I stepped out of my car on my first visit back home, he jumped all over me and wanted to play Shoe (literally, where we throw an old tennis shoe around the yard and he chases after it.) Both of these dogs earned a special place in my heart, despite the puppy love bites, angry love taps and occasional jumping on my car and scratching it beyond repair in excitement.

Miss you lots, Major and Titan

My goldfish is another story. He was more so a steady being in my life. I saved him from being flushed down the toliet alive when our old Wal-Mart in town was closing and moving into a bigger, newer facility. I bagged him up and took him home with me. He was a really beautiful silver color. Being on a Lord of the Rings kick at the time, I named him Bilbo. Bilbo didn’t have a fancy tank. My mom and I literally went out and bought a giant, glass flower vase, some pretty blue rocks for the bottom, fish food, clean bottled water for him to live in, and a net so I could catch him when his water needed changing. Every week, we changed his water. Now, I know he’s just a fish, but Bilbo knew when we were around and would swim around his bowl, watching us. His home was on top of the washing machine, so whenever my mom or I did laundry, there he was, following us back and forth. Back and forth. I’d talk to him every once in awhile. My first nephew even grew old enough to recognize that we had a fish and his name was Bilbo. The responsibility of cleaning his bowl came down to my mom when I left for the Academy. She’d update me on his life…one day while she was cleaning out his bowl, he jumped right out of the jar we housed him in temporarily while we washed his poop out of his actual home. She found him flopping around on the table…who knows for how long…and guess what? He lived for 3 more years after that.

Bilbo was an excellent listener.

Time has gone on. I haven’t had a fish since Bilbo, but we do have another dog. Her name is Jade, and she is quite a stinker. Again, I figured she would forget me the instant I left home. Nope. Came back 3 months later, and she greeted me by tackling me to the ground, then found her bone and wanted to play catch. Apparently, I’m a good one for dogs to tackle. It never ceases to fail.

The point is, no one can prepare you for getting attached to these wonderful creatures to only have them ripped from you at some point in time. Major, Titan and Bilbo have all since passed away into Pets Heaven…or whatever it is called. I’m sure dogs and fish live in harmony together somewhere in the abyss. They are both beings of the Force, after all.

No one can prepare you for getting your heart stepped on and broken. Be it with someone passing on, discovering you or a dear one have a serious illness, parents divorcing, or a great relationship ending. No one can prepare you for any of that. It’s in these moments you find out what kind of person you are. It totally sounds high and mighty, but its true.

You find strength in the times of darkness.

When all else fails, just cry.

Couple months ago, I was in shambles. (What am I saying? I’m back in that place. Ha!) My heart was broken, a relationship I thought was going places ended abruptly, and I was left feeling very, very alone and confused. Yeah, I had my nights of crying my eyeballs out, feeding my feelings with cookie dough ice cream, and Skype dates with my girlfriends who live far away from me to have bashing sessions. It all helped at the time, but when I watched The Notebook a few days later? Everything came rushing back. No one prepares you for that.

You learn how to cope eventually. I found writing was a great outlet for my frusterations (go figure, right?) Turning to reading helped me escape. As corny as I know this is going to sound, I turned to a greater force than myself. I’d quiet my mind and make an effort to pinpoint what exactly was bothering me in those moments. But, when the pangs of sadness or longing came calling, I let them happen. Angry words flew from my mouth when I had an awkward run-in with Damn Fool. Fevered passion ensued with a couple shots of tequilla and a good-looking guy were around, and showing interest. I’m not saying every decision I have made was an intelligent one. Not. at. ALL!

But no one prepares you for those idiotic moments you regret in the morning, either.

The cartoon creator, Cathy Lee Guisewite, gets at what I’m talking about here when she says:

She's the author behind the cartoon character "Cathy"

“The only men I really communicate with are the ones I’ll never speak to again.”

Ladies, think about it. Unless you have found The One, she’s on to something. The guys I once hooked up with, dated, and furthermore am no longer seeing? They are the ones who knew what I wanted, what I liked, what I don’t. They also know how to gauge me better on a regular basis, if we deal with each other on a regular basis anymore.

In it together

Like I’ve said, no one prepares you for that. The instant stop of communication with someone who is supposed to be your friend, your partner in crime. That’s what my last boyfriend and I were supposed to be…partners in crime. And we were, for a good 18 months, we really were.

The Jedi usually have the capability to see into the future. Well, not predict what’s going to happen, but have visions into what might be. The future is ever changing, but the Force sometimes gives us a heads up. I must not be too skilled with that aspect of the Force. Otherwise I probably wouldn’t be feeling this in the pits.

My family is forever there for me. That’s a no-brainer. At the same time, it’s these moments when I realize I don’t have that special someone who will hold my hand through all of this. Not because I want him to, but because he feels it’s his duty to. Protecting me in any way he can. To brush the hair off my face. Wipe my tears that have yet to cease to stop. To call and see how I’m holding up. Bring me soup because that’s what his mother always did when he was feeling crummy. Or ice cream. I’d take ice cream, too.

Just throw yourself over me, and guard me with everything you have!

I’m just down right depressing again, aren’t I?

Thank the Force for what you’ve got. The smallest seed is planted, and everything can change. Be safe out there. It’s a cruel universe.

I'll be there for you.

And say a nice word to your past lovers. They still might hold a soft spot for you. Deep down, unless they murdered your favorite kitten or brother, you still hold a place for them, too.

Just one more thing no one prepares you for.

The ultimate source for the Force