It’s the year of the Dragon, oh Universe. It’s supposed to be my year. For everything. I’m supposed to be on top of my game, and I was for a while. I professionally choreographed a dance, my idea for my screenplay is a hit, my column is receiving great feedback, I’m in a great favor with my on-campus job, I’m losing weight, I’m cancer-free, I’ve made great new girlfriends, and I’ve had my luck with the guys.
Then, why is my heart feel like its been ripped out of my chest, thrown on the floor, and left there to bleed out a slow, painful death.
I’m not ready to talk about it. I know, I know. How can I do that after the above statement? I have to explain something. But…I just can’t. I’ve only finished crying, and the threat of a new round of tears busting out of these eyeballs is all too close. It doesn’t help that I’m watching passionate Latin dances on Dancing With The Stars at the same time.
I used to have passion. I used to have that sensuality with another person. I used to have it all.
Then, a break-up happened.
Ugh, stop dwelling in the past. I keep telling myself to stop looking back, to look forward. Someone better will come along, someone who will literally sweep me off my feet.
But I can’t force myself to think like that right now. Maybe Prince Charming will appear tomorrow. But not tonight. Tonight I am sad and once again heartbroken. This is worse than any fight we ever had because there’s not a chance we’ll make up. There’s no ‘I’m sorry’ and hugs and kisses of reassurance. I can’t even pound on his chest in anger. He’s not with me anymore. I mean, I could march up his front steps, pound on his front door, and when he answers it, pound away on his chest all I want. But that’s the crazy ex in me talking.
I miss him. I miss everything about him. More importantly, I miss us. Him and I. Leia and Chewy.
Uggggggh. I need to stop doing this to myself. It’s not helping matters. At all. But I do miss him. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t.
Oh, but let’s move past all this mish-mash of emotions flooding my entire body right now. If I end up crying every Monday between now and the end of the year, I might as well just hole up in my apartment once a week. I hate crying. Even though I know it’s not, it still feels like a sign of weakness, especially when I do try to build this tough persona about myself. I am tough. Always have been. But being a Cancer comes back to bite me in the butt more and more these days. Cancer = emotional mess. Check, check and check.
If only we could make things happen with the snap of our fingers.
“I just did my taxes, and I’m getting back $150,000. And people say you can’t do your own taxes.”
Famous words of the credit risk, Chantel Rae.
Money would make a million things easier right now. You don’t realize how much money you actually need to live day-to-day if you want a decent lifestyle that doesn’t make you feel like a hobo. I like to eat tasty foods. Not organic, but tasty ones. Sometimes that means fatty, deep-fried things, but in the summer, I do enjoy the fresh stuff. Corn on the cob, green peppers, peapods, carrots fresh from the garden.
Summer is the season for an old-fashioned, fresh garden salad.
Money would also help greatly with this enormous medical bill I have seemed to accumulate over the past couple of months. Yes, having surgery, no matter how minor, will do that to a person’s financial status. So, now I have this medical bill and in six months, I will have student loans to worry about.
See how money would make my life easier at the moment?
It’s rather irritating to me to talk to other Academy students and hear they will walk away without a dime owned in debt. How is that possible? How are there so many rich families out there that can agreeably pay for their child’s education in amounts of thousands of dollars and not expect a penny back. Add on top of that, they will also support them until they have a great paying big kid job.
What the hell is that? I have to support myself through everything. EVERYTHING. Including debt, medical bills, grocery shopping, make-up needs, DVD additions, car maintenance and the occasional need for travel money. Everything is on my dime now.
So, what is a girl to do when she’s wading knee-deep in money woes? She dreams about shopping and the things she wants to buy.
Here are the hot commodities I’m looking at for the month of April. Some might even surprise you:
2.) Vacuum Cleaners
3.) Spring Clothing
4.) Yard and Garden Supplies
5.) Bridal Gowns
8.) European Vacations
9.) Paint and Wallpaper.
For some reason, I keep smelling Subway sandwiches right where I’m sitting. I don’t know why. No one in my apartment is eating Subway. Perhaps its our neighborly ghost burping in my face? All I know is that it smells delicious and is making me crave a deli sandwich or two. Which is incredibly stupid because I just scarfed down a ton of spinach dip and chips.
Don’t judge me one bit.
That’s enough for me. I just popped in Runaway Bride and am ready for a romantic comedy, no matter how bad, to put me to sleep tonight. Money and love woes.
No one said life was ever easy, and I’m still very young. Oh, what the rest of this year might bring scares me. It’s supposed to be my year, the year of the Dragon.
Hopefully no one slays me before I peak.