Hey, It’s Okay…Glamour!
Hello, I am the Modern Jedi, and I am an Olympics Junkie.
Raise your hand if you’ve turned into a snarling, drooling, foaming at the mouth addict to the Summer 2012 Olympics taking place in London at this exact moment in time?
No one? Anyone? Are you sure?
No, my hand isn’t in the air, either.
BUT…I have become a total Olympics Junkie since the opening ceremony took place last Friday evening. And, yes, I didn’t capitalize the word ‘junkie.’ It’s only fair I pay my dues to what I have become and wear it like a patch on my sleeve with pride.
One of my friends commented the other day about how watching the Olympics makes them feel more patriotic than any other time of their lives. Watching members of our country compete against our rival countries (like those dang French in the swimming competitions who knocked my beloved Ryan Lochte out of medaling yesterday and pushing him into 4th place…just shy of a medal. Dang you, Frenchies!!), it really does lift something in the spirit.
As I watched the women’s gymnastics team achieve gold for the first time since the Magnificent Seven, I felt a different sort of pang resonate through my chest. It was a pang of longing.
I miss competing. Plain and simple. I miss the rush of adrenaline that let me know something exciting was about to happen, and the result totally rested on my shoulders.
At that point, I could only hope I’d trained long enough and hard enough to face my opponent. Tennis, once again, pops into my mind. That sport, for me, will always hold a special place in my heart. My high school was small, and barely had a sports team of any kind. Somehow, we managed to amass enough students every year. Well, upon my entering high school, I knew I wanted to play basketball. Tennis, on the other hand, was something my cousin convinced me to try out the summer before I entered official high school status. It didn’t hurt that my sister also played on the team for a few years prior to my entry into high school, so naturally, I wanted to follow in her footsteps (but discreetly. No one likes to admit they did something because their sister made it look cool!)
A long story short, I was hooked after my first summer lesson. So when “try-outs” for the team came up later in the summer, I got a call from the coach asking if I wanted to see what a couple of practices would be like, and make my decision to be on the team from there.
You should know up front that there as no C-Team or JV squad for this tennis team. When you joined the team, you were playing at the varsity level immediately, and for someone who had never touched a racquet prior to that summer lesson, it was slightly terrifying.
Even more terrifying? Being placed at 3rd singles for my first match ever. I was playing opponents who had been playing for 5+ years, and literally would kill me if I got in the way of the ball without my racquet to deflect its speeding orb-like self.
I won’t lie. It sucked at the time. I knew I wasn’t the best of players, but I also knew I was better than what my scores reflected. I considered it a victory when my side of the score cards shined with a game or two in my favor, and not big fat zeros. 6-0, 6-0. I never hated a score total so much in my life.
Like I said, it sucked at the time. But I was too young and dumb to acknowledge the training and skill sets I was picking up right away from playing opponents way beyond my skill set. As I grew older with the sport and my own personal skills began to expand, the tides were turning. I was suddenly that player other teams hated to play. My years of being pounded into the tennis pavement paid off. I became one of the best players in the conference. It took a lot of patience, a lot of practice, and a lot of beatings to reach the skill set I eventually entered the season with my senior and final year of high school. Now, to say I was undefeated that season would be a total lie. I was beaten a handful of times, but the beautiful part is that it wasn’t by complete shut-out.
I made myself a promise when I advanced to the 2nd singles position: If I was bound to lose, I would win at least 2 games every set and not go down with a shut-out. It kept me swinging, that’s for sure. When I assumed the 1st singles position, it became my goal to shut out players the way I had been shut-out all those years ago.
You know what? I achieved that goal a number of times. My time had come, and I wasn’t about to forget it.
“It’s straight from the horse’s mouth.Not that I’m saying I’m a horse.”
We only like to tell it how it is, don’t we, Victoria Beckham, the erstwhile “Posh Spice”. She may have been talking about her autobiography with those words, and I guess in a way, so am I. Tennis is a part of my life, so consider this a fleeting story in a long, long, not-even-close-to-being-completed autobiography about, well…me!
So, how does this tie in with the Olympics?
Like previously stated, I miss the competition. I miss the mental preparation needed prior to the event. Seeing the athletes sitting and watching/cheering on their teammates with their ear buds tucked safely in their ears…I used to do that. I needed ten minutes of “me” time before stepping out on the court. I miss the routine. I miss the physical and mental discipline.
I need to find myself an adult sports team. Now that I have a Big Girl Job and everything, I have my evenings to train, and a fighting spirit that just don’t quit. I’m always looking to prove myself. Maybe I could be on the national tennis circuit yet.
I think it’s okay for me to hold on to that longing, the want to be a part of a team again, the want to be disciplined enough to take the reins on my own but also have a bigger picture in mind. SO…with that in mind, I realize it’s been awhile, but here’s my latest installment of ‘Hey, It’s Okay’s”
Ready? Set! *Bang* (That’s a starting gun, just so you know 🙂 )
Hey, It’s Okay…
… If all your future baby names come from celebs. Cate? Shia? Adorable, right?
… To know what only four out of the 12 keys on your key chain actually go to.
… To still be forwarding people that ridiculous “Talking Twin Babies” YouTube video. Funny on the first or the dozenth viewing.
… To pretend you’re getting in shape for your wedding even when there’s no ring on your finger. Really, whatever motivates you.
… To make everyone else turn around, walk 10 paces and sing cheesy Bon Jovi songs while you attempt to pee in the woods.
… If one hot dog is pretty much never enough.
… To ask him to kick in for your birth control pills. More than OK!
… To look up, realize you and your significant other are both on your phones and totally feel like those people.
… Not to have the foggiest idea how to talk to a three-year-old.
We still have a lot of summer left ahead of us, and I intend to fully grasp each day with a new fervor. It’s amazing how knowing I have a new job starting in a few weeks has totally changed my perspective on things. I go to and leave work totally smiling, and it’s incredible.
One nice thing? Soon, I’ll be buying myself a new laptop, so when I get home from work, pop a beer and snack a little bit, I can sit down on my porch, open my computer, and blog away, be done in like 1.5 hours, and still have time left in the evening to go out and do a few things yet.
How nice will that be?
Until then, I’m glued to this schedule and to my TV. Every glimpse I can have of Ryan Lochte these days, I’m taking it. Damn, how someone can look so good in a swim cap and swimming trunks is beyond me.
Mr. Lochte, you keep doing what you’re doing, and I’ll keep watching and cheering from my living room. You’ve got a fan in me, sir. (And half the country’s female population, I’m sure.)
But they don’t really count 😉
If Only Tatooine Had a Lake…
Anakin had it wrong.
The feeling of sand is wonderful. There is nothing better than pulling out a book or magazine in the dead of the heartless winter season and having a small pile of sand fall into my lap. It’s not too convenient when you’re laying comfortable in your nice, warm bed with the blankets wrapped perfectly around yourself and suddenly there’s a mess of grainy particles now mixed among your small piece of heaven.
But I still love finding it. I love finding those small reminders of summer every now and then.
Especially when its sand.
There is nothing I love more than a beach day. Sometimes its only for a few hours. Heck, sometimes it’s only for a few minutes because not every beach day is a day is paradise. The flies decide to bite. It’s hot on top of the hill, but once by the water, the wind chills you to the bone. There’s not a level piece of land without a crap ton of debris laying everywhere. Too many people screaming along with their children under the age of 6. The sand is so scorching hot on your feet that it literally hurts to walk so you have to run in the hopes of saving your feet (at least until you reach the water’s edge and can walk on the already wet sand.)
Anakin Skywalker had it wrong. Sand is not rough and coarse. While it does get everywhere, I tend to like it that way. Because if you leave the beach covered in sand for one reason or another, that only means one thing when you finally reach home. It means you can take a cold shower.
Hearing the words cold shower gives me all sorts of crazy ideas. I’ll keep most of them to myself.
This is the first weekend where I haven’t had a full day off, and on top of not having a full day off to collect my thoughts from the craziness of working the evening hours and trying to live like a normal individual, I have to return to work for a mandatory work meeting. From what I gathered from other individuals at this place of establishment, it’s basically going to consist of us being fed snacks while watching a series of training videos.
It’s seriously the weirdest weekend of my life, and if I could fast forward through this meeting.
Basically, summer makes me feel a lot of things, and according to an article I read in an old issue of Glamour magazine, summer makes us feel 10x better about ourselves in a variety of ways. We feel healthier, we feel happier, we actually look better (from all the sunshine and extra water we’re drinking because of the soaring hot temperatures.)
We’re also feeling sexier in every aspect of the word.
What can I say? Nothing looks better than a white bikini and a nice bronze tan. (I know a few guys who would agree with me on this one.)
“Old people do have sex and they have it a lot. They’re just doing it a little more slowly, which, come to think of it, is not a bad thing.”
Those are the revealing words from Estelle Getty, one of our beloved Golden Girls. They do say it gets better as we age. I wouldn’t know. I’m not yet beyond the age of 50. I’ll let you know when it happens, and weigh in on the subject at hand.
But, in all seriousness. It’s kind of funny how this season instills both a fear of one’s body and emboldens the need to show it off. As I was walking around the beach this afternoon, not only did I know I looked good (I know a thing or two about picking out the right swimsuit for your body type), but I was also berating myself for not working harder on slimming my thighs down, or mentally tallying how many more reps I’d need to add to my arm workout in order to start seeing muscle definition results.
My favorite part of the article I read from Glamour? We attract more men without even realizing we’re doing it. It’s easier for a man to find you attractive in the summer months. Why? We’re practically running around half-naked by choice.
Disagree with me? I’m sorry, but I’m most likely to be found wearing a skirt or sundress of some sort in these hot temps instead of a full-on pantsuit. More skin = more double takes = more ooh la-la for all involved.
I thought it was interesting logic.
Women aren’t alone in this. We all tend to feel a touch more adventurous in the summer months. There’s just something very invigorating in the air, pushing us to take that extra step, to try something entirely new.
Which brings me to my New Day Sunday. I discovered these things back in the month of June (yeah, I’m a touch behind), but trying something new is not something you set on deadline.
Produce:Corn on the Cob
Bakery:Coffee Cupcakes with Glitter Frosting
Canned Goods:Pork n’ Beans
Breakfast/Cereal:French Vanilla Flavored Coffee Grounds
Meats: Steak on the Hibachi Grill
Dairy:Potato Topper Sour Cream
Frozen Foods: Karmel Sutra Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream
Beverages:Woodchuck Hard Cider
Toiletries:Got 2 B Power-derful Hair Gel
Baby:Hammock
Household:Marker Menu Board
Pet:Dog Bed made out of an End Table
Snacks: Dutch Crunch Steak-Flavored Chips
Misc: Heating/Cooling Eye Mask
Maybe something on here sparked your interest to start your week. It’s hard to believe the weekend is just about to see itself close. I do enjoy my weekends, even when I work more than half the time. What can I say…A woman has to do what a woman has to do.
And that, these days, is to earn a living.
Well…enough of a living to get by with the essentials and a few nights out with beer and friends thrown into the mix.
Warrior Women Can Have Off Days, Right?
A giant, sweaty blob. That is what I feel like, and yet, for some reason, every single person in this place continues to tell me that I look very nice.
Not that I don’t appreciate the compliments. I really do. I probably appreciate them more in this state of being than when I actually put a lot of physical effort into my appearance before going anywhere. When you put more than an hour into your appearance, you better dang well get a compliment or two, otherwise what in the hell were you doing with your time?
Here’s how this afternoon went: I get out of the shower, blow dry my hair, straighten it…the usual routine when I’m going about a normal working day. I had the vision of what I wanted to wear to work all figured out in my noggin. I would wear my gray pencil skirt with my emerald-green satin top (the one with the black polka-dots and the black sash right under the bust), and my trusty black pumps. I slide on the skirt and everything is looking good. It’s when I slide on the top I start to feel less than stellar.
For one, my boobs must have grown 10x since the last time I wore this particular top. The black sash which is supposed to go underneath my bustline? It didn’t go under my bustline. It went right across the middle of my chest, cutting my twins in half. If you’ve ever seen this done to your set of twins, you know how highly unattractive a look it is. So, the logical thing? I pull the top down, hoping to adjust it to its proper place. It wouldn’t budge. So, I reached inside the V-neck of this shirt and adjust myself with my hands, thinking maybe this would do the trick.
Boy, did it ever. I suddenly had cleavage like never before. Sooooo not appropriate for the place I needed to be at in less than 20 minutes.
What’s a girl to do other than to rip off the green shirt with the black polka-dots and tear through her closest for the next best option for her attire? I put on my favorite gray short-sleeved suit coat…it made me look wide through the middle. I put on my favorite purple multi-tiered layered camisole with my black sweater shrug…it made my look pregnant. Tried to put together a simple all-black outfit…except all of them required to wear heels and with a wedding happening at my workplace, I wasn’t about to run a wedding marathon in the high heels I would have to wear with these particular ensembles.
Finally I reached the point where I had to put on some clothes or be really late for work. So, I grabbed the first two things I saw that matched each other, slid on my flats, and dashed out the door.
Rewind a little bit here, too. Before the whole “what do I wear?” debacle, I was complaining to my roommate how I have boring hair. Boring in the sense that I always wear it the same way. It’s either half-up with bobby pins to get my bangs out of my face, all the way up into a ponytail to get the hair off my neck, or it’s down in a simple straight ‘do. It’s so boring!, I explained. I need to learn how to put my hair up in fun ways.
Like, some girls can do a successful messy bun.
I can’t do that.
Some know how to braid the front parts of their hair in fun ways, and loop them around to their ponytail/bun up do.
I can’t do that.
Others know how to roll the ends of their hair up and around so they have this rolled/coiled look going on. Very classy looking, in my opinion.
I can’t do that.
So, as I stared at my lifeless hair after straightening it for the one millionth time in my life, I knew I wanted it off my neck. It was a warm day, and I was already sweating just thinking about the prep work I’d be doing once I arrived at work. My solution? The half-updo it was. My roommate saw me, and remarked, “We decided on boring again today, huh?”
Apparently, I’m a sweaty AND boring blob of a person. It doesn’t help that a giant M&M cookie is staring me in the face right now.
“One seeks new friends only when too well-known by old ones.”
In this instance, when contemplating the words of Madame de Puisieux, the French epigrammist, I know I need to find new friend with not just good hair. They need to have GREAT hair, and I need to find out their tricks of the trade.
Let’s be real here. It’s not just with their hair….it’s with their overall look. How they put simple, yet elegant outfits together in the blink of an eye and simply by pulling things from their closest. How they step out of the shower, let their hair do whatever the hell it wants, run a squirt of some magical hair gel through the palms of their hands and over their scalp, and voila! Magnificent hair!
I want to have hair like that!
I used to think my hair was capable of doing two things, and these things dictated the way I would do it. 1.) I would get in the way of my vision and could be detrimental to whatever I happened to be doing at that moment. If I’m returning a fast spin serve on the tennis courts, or sketching a nearby tree, or people watching at the park, or attempting to read a sign while driving down the highway so I don’t get lost in the middle of a giant freaking city. I could be in the middle of a massive lightsaber fight, but wouldn’t you know it? My hair gets in my face, I can’t respond to a move, and I’m suddenly without an arm for the rest of my life.
All because of my stupid head of hair.
Mostly because of my athletic tendencies, I always wore my hair up and out of my face. Plus, it’s really easy to do your hair fresh out of the shower. Especially when its a 100+ degree day in the summer time. Have you ever milked cows in a sweltering barn with your hair falling in tumbles down your back and shoulders? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
The second thing my hair is capable of doing? Seduction. If done and played with correctly, a woman’s hair can be the gateway to a man’s bare instincts and animatistic tendencies. You can drive a man wild just by the way you do your hair, or simply by sweeping your hair off your neck, revealing the vulnerable and lovely nape of the neck. Flirting with one’s hair….it’s still a technique I’m working on. I don’t think you can hate your hair 350 days out of the year and have this technique mastered.
On top of everything else today, I tied 60-some blue satin bows on the back of chairs needed for this wedding’s ceremony, and people only sat in them for 30 minutes. Once the ceremony was over, the chairs with my decadent bows were abandoned.
Ah, the fruits of ones labors.
I hope your weekends are going just as awesome as mine. Minus the feeling like a blob part.
I don’t wish that upon anyone.
League of Extraordinary Women
Being a typical girl, I was pinning today. Whilst pinning, I came across a picture of Jennifer Lawrence wearing a dress that could only be described as a modern-day, non Hunger Games costume, gown. It really made her look like the Girl On Fire, outside of the actual Hunger Games setting, I mean.
In case I haven’t previously mentioned it, Jennifer Lawrence in my new muse. She has inspired me to imagine her type of character in any story I’ve started to throw together in the last few years. Since I’ve seen her in X-Men First Class, Winter’s Bone, and now, the Hunger Games, I’ve fallen head over heels in love with her.
Add her to my list of celebrities I’d change my sexual orientation for if the opportunity presented itself. Along with Ms. Lawrence, Kate Winslet, Meryl Streep, and Kristen Wiig top that list. It’s far-fetched, but you never know. I’m sure you all have your lists of males and female crushes, too. So, no passing judgement here!
Anyways, as I attempt to get back on track with my screenplay, I have envisioned Ms. Lawrence in the lead role from the moment I started conceptualizing and fleshing the plot out on paper. While I would agree the roles allowing her to emerge on the Hollywood scene have been similar in particular ways (they know how to hunt for themselves, a younger sibling(s) to care for, must be the man of the family but not by choice, independent, fearless, and a small disdain for needing to rely on men to care for her…and so much more.) In short, she’s a bit of a modern-day warrior in her films.
I can’t stress enough how happy I am when the Hunger Games came along when it did.
I’m going to be quite blunt here. I hated the Twilight movies. I hated everything about them. The acting was poor, the characters were stagnant, the storyline was only remotely interesting, and Kristen Stewart’s face held the same monotone expression throughout the entire film. I didn’t feel transported by the story at all. When I go to the movies, I go to escape.
With Twilight, I was highly aware I was sitting in a movie theater (an afternoon matinée, by the way. There is no way I’m spending money on a full ticket for THAT film), watching a fully grown man sparkle like a cheaply made tiara in the sunlight. Not attractive in the least!
But the main reason why I hated these movies so much? The female lead character aka Bella.
What did she have going for her other than the sickly twisted love affair with both a werewolf and a vampire that wanted nothing more than to bite the shit out of her neck for her blood. There’s a scene early on in the film when Bella meets Edward for the second or third time. He’s staring at her from across the chemistry room, but he’s not just staring at her. In fact, I’m sure some inappropriate activity is happening in his pants while he’s staring at her. Gross, I know.
Fans of the Twilight series would argue. He was attracted to her…No, scratch that. He was resisting the smell of her scent…He wanted to go over to her and bite her like a vampire would…He was merely catching whiff of her scent and simply fought every fiber in his body to resist flying across the room to devour her blood supply.
Number 1: ew. Number 2: can we say desperate? Number 3:how freaking original? Not!
I maybe wouldn’t rag on Bella so much if she wasn’t so, oh how do I say this…? If she wasn’t so pathetic. Yep, that’s the word I use to describe Ms. Bella. She is pathetic. Her boyfriend breaks up with her. What does she do? She curls up into a ball in her bed and does absolutely nothing for 3 months. Nothing. In the book, no words were written for her in the months following Edwards’ absence. She literally wastes away in her bed for months because a boy told her he didn’t want to see her anymore. With one of the lamest excuses in the book, he tells her it’s too dangerous to be together.
So, the obvious conclusion is to lay in bed and weep about it. For months.
Pah-thetic.
A week, even a couple of weeks, sure. Alright. He was the love of your life. I can’t understand trying to heal a broken heart. Hello? I’ve been there! But I didn’t lie around and mope for days on end because someone broke my heart.
“The needs of a society determine its ethics.”
The wise words of Maya Angelou, the famed author of Caged Bird.
Katniss needed to survive being thrown into a literal hell hole where she had a 96% chance of being killed. She adapted. She didn’t crawl into a hole and mope about her misfortune or contemplate all the different ways she could die. Even when the Careers found her (and remember, she had a pretty major leg injury, too), she didn’t start bawling and begging for her life. She turned in the other direction and ran. And when she could no longer run due to said injury, she did the next best thing; she climbed a tree to where no one could touch her.
Pure survival.
When she knew she had to make a move against the Careers, did she continue to run? NO! She actually ran towards them and infiltrated their “safe” zone.
The only time she did have a breakdown was after Rue’s death, and rightfully so. She lost someone she dared to care about despite their situation. But, did Katnisscontinue to have her crying fits over Rue? While she missed the cute and wily little girl, she kept her mind where it needed to be.
On survival.
While Bella and Katniss were in different worlds, their situations were not so different. Katniss had her love woes. Peeta or Gale? Her decision wasn’t so simple given she was thrown into a modern-day gladiator’s ring.
What was Bella doing?
She was purposely putting herself in danger. Not to help a fellow tribute, or to take out those who will not think twice about slitting your throat to win the game.. No, Bella was putting herself in danger merely to hear Edward’s voice.
GET A LIFE, BELLA!
If you like Twilight, fine. I’m sure you have your reasons. Just like I have my reasons for siding with Katniss Everdeen far more than Bella Swann.
My answer will be the same no matter when you ask me.
Moral of the story? Find a real, strong female role model to look up to.
Princess Leia always comes to mind. I mean, she did take on a leadership role within the Rebel Alliance against the darkest evil force known to the universe.
What’s the greatest thing Bella Swann ever did?
She got married.
Not that marriage isn’t an adventure all its own, but when compared to leading the Rebel Alliance….marriage is nil and nothing.
Just saying. 
How About an Unconventional Career Path?
Is it possible to have a sort-of out-there career and totally make a living doing it?
It’s a vague question, to be sure. What can be defined as ‘sort-of out-there?’ For starters, someone who Facebooks, Tweets, Tumbles, and Pins all day long. The fact that those are legitimate verbs still gets me every time. How life has changed since the 1990s, and the way we communicate.
Granted, you have to remember, around the time that Bicentennial Man starring Robin Williams came out, everyone was convinced we’d all have robots acting as servants in our homes by the 2010 years. Guess what? It’s 2012, and the closest thing I have resembling a robot servant, or helper, however you want to phrase it, is a Roomba. Honestly, I don’t even own one. A Roomba is the closest thing I have to that, if I were to purchase one. And if I did….I would put a picture of Tom Cruise on it.
Then, I could honestly say, I have Tom Cruise vacuuming my house at this very moment. How does Scientology feel about that?
Back on track here. Is it possible to sit in an semi-fancy office, or at my desk at home, and get paid to work every social media outlet I can possibly think of, and get paid mega-bucks to do it? Probably if I’m good at it, and the online marketing brought attention to a product or business. Sure..the sky is the limit, especially if you know how to use and utilize social media sites.
Plus, theses types of sites are thing I use every day of my life to begin with. I’m still leaning myself, but it would be pretty awesome to be paid to write, tweet, pin, and everything in between.
Other bizarre jobs I would love to do and get paid decently for? Travel to exotic resorts and review them. Not just written reviews, but get out there and test the facility. Is their pool really as nice as their website claims? Their spa…just how relaxing is its atmosphere and employees? Will they hack me to death with an olive branch, or will they chatter my ear off when all I want is a simple, blissful back massage? I want to try out the local festivities, and let people know when its a good time to come and see these locales and what to check out when they get there. It’s probably freelance work, and I’m not sure how I feel about freelance yet, which is strange, given my status in the world as an artist and writer.
Let’s remember here…getting paid to travel would be bomb. If I get to write while I’m at it, even more so bomb.
What other out there jobs are there…Is it possible to be a professional date? I know they have escorts in Vegas, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. I clean up nice, love going to events, and meeting new people. If someone wants a lady on their arm for a professional event, merely so they don’t have to show up alone, is it possible to serve someone as a ‘professional date?’ However you phrase it, I know it’s going to sound like riding on coat tails to get there and in order to be paid, certain events must transpire at the conclusion of the evening. So NOT what I’m referring to here.
If I wanted to work as an escort, I’d move to Vegas, buy half a dozen dresses that barely cover my derriere in bright, bold colors, 5 inch platform stilettos, and I’d be on my way.
I tend to be classier than that, like, always.
One occupation that I know is real , it’s just a matter of getting the job…being a Jedi Knight at Hollywood Studios in Orlando, Florida. A friend recently shared a video of me where they perform ‘Jedi Training Classes’ at random times throughout the day within the theme park, and there are 5-6 people walking around decked out in Jedi attire, and they teach kids how to fight with the lightsabers. Nothing too difficult, as they are Younglings and growing in their skill sets. But, to host these training courses, sign me up! I have great public speaking capabilities and a vast knowledge of the Force. I’m not too bad with a lightsaber, either. Hollywood Studios, I’m ready for my close up!
What else…Professional food taster will always rank high on the list of ‘If this were a real job, I would totally be harassing the HR department for a job.’ Who wouldn’t want to sit and taste dish after dish, and then give your opinion on it?
Along with that, movie reviewer. See, there’s a problem with this one since technology the way it is allows anybody who has an opinion to give it to you, be it about film, a book, a recipe, or a news bit they saw on Good Morning America. Look what I’m doing right now…giving you my opinion and thoughts on jobs I’d love to work, if they existed. (I’m pretty sure some of them do! Now…how to secure them and list myself as ’employed’ under a company banner?)
One area of life I’d love to delve and be paid for…are you ready for this? If you said Star Wars, yes you would be right. However, that’s not what I’m getting at here. I love astrology, horoscopes, the zodiacs and their specific characteristics…I love it all. So, is it possible to be paid to monitor people, observe them, and help them in life according to their zodiac? Much like a career counselor and using MBTI codes to help them in their career paths, except this would be for a whole lifestyle observation, but all according to their zodiac.
If so, can I please sign up for further courses, and learn how to help people with their natural selection as a Crab or Bull?
“I despise men profoundly and from conviction.”
Your words speak to me in a different way than their intention, I’m thinking, Marie Bashkirtieff, a short-lived Russian bluestocking.
When she says ‘I despise men,’ I see “men” as “the man.” “The Man” is always holding us down, telling us that we indeed cannot do what it is we seek to do, that we are unqualified and incapable of things within our own powers and beyond. “The Man” keeps us close to the ground when we should be soaring among the eagles (Happy Monday inspiration everyone!)
I, like Marie Bashkirtieff, despise “the man” and it’s a battle I’m not letting up on anytime soon. If I want to train young children visiting Hollywood Studios how to fight with a lightsaber (albeit they’re plastic, but still good nonetheless!), I will find a way to do so.
Happy Monday, indeed!
If you can dream it, you can do it! (Oh, come on…I had to.)
Tonight: Stillettos…Tomorrow: Fuzzy Slippers
How does one judge the success of a night out?
Do we judge it based on how one feels the following morning? Do we judge it on how many times we smack ourselves in the forehead after hearing about the stupid things done? Or perhaps we can judge it on the amount of alcohol consumed. The times we laughed and cried, and continued to drink some more. I personally could measure it in how many times I ask for food. Alcohol is a tricky bugger like that. I think I’ve eaten enough to fill the caverns of my stomach before heading out for the night, and two beers later, I’m asking every individual I meet if they have any food hidden in their pockets.
Or I just have too many chronic cases of the munchies. Mmmmm Munchies…
Last night was a pretty good night. I’m not going to try to say anything I did was wrong or not worth it. It was a beautiful night to sit out on the porch steps of a friend’s house and simply watch people go about their business while we caught up on each other’s past week of living. Soaking in the summer night air. The only place it may have been better to sit and enjoy a beer would have been on the beach, but at that time of night, who knows how many crazy people were building sand castles of their own.
I may have been drinking, but I’m not an idiot. Crazy people are attracted to the beach at night.
I could continue at this point to talk about how my night went. In a nutshell, my friends and I went to late-night improv. I laughed my ass off because this troupe of people are really funny, especially when I sneezed super loudly while sitting in the very front row of the theater, cutting off the player who was about to give a zinger of a one-liner, and he simply pointed at me and the audience applauded me instead. After improv, we started to walking back to where we had started the evening but had to make a bathroom break. Of course, what do women do in the bathroom, but gossip and run into other women that we know. So, I ended up talking to an old coworker for half an hour before being dragged back out on to the street. Then, as we’re walking back to Point A, we see a rapper performing outside a kind-of down and dirty pub (one of our favorite spots, mind you), and we decide to stop and have a drink. At this point, I’m needing my food fix so I was all set to slap some money down for some nachos, but it ended up being stifling inside the place, so I stepped outside to scope out patio tables for our booties to take a seat. As I rounded the corner with one of my friends, I spot the shaved head and punk hair-do of two of my coworkers. Guess where I sat down? More talking and drinks ensued, and it was a very good night overall.
As I laid in bed struggling to swing my legs over the side to bring me to a standing position, I began to think a few things. One very big thought: Is this what my life as become? Drinking and being sick in the morning, and doing it all over again? I know I graduated not that long ago, so the lifestyle is very fresh in my being, but man, I just can’t do it anymore. It may sound lame, but more often than not, I prefer the nights where its me and the guy of the week sitting on his couch, watching a movie considered the “it” movie of the year 3 years ago, and sipping on a beer or two throughout the night.
Is this the sign of getting old? Oh, crap.
“There are two categories of women. Those who are women and those who are men’s wives.”
You tread a fine line here, Charlotte Whitton, a Ottawan politician. I believe a woman can be both herself and a wife to a very good man. The key word missing from my statement is “respect”. There better be respect in that relationship, otherwise, Whitton is right. You become the wife, and not a partner in crime.
As a partner in crime, I know I’m still going to crave these nights outs where I get a little loose with my words and laugh a little too loudly. But I also know I want to come home to someone on those nights and give them something to remember in the morning (other than my moaning in the morning about how icky I feel and how my head won’t stop pounding.) Even on the worst of days, I’d choose being a woman over a man any day. It gives me the extra edge I need when I encounter being treated differently because I wear high heels to work and have two round bumps protruding from my chest. When I’m told I don’t have the physical strength, or I’m passed over because they assume I can’t due to earlier stated high heels, that’s when I get rowdy.
It’s why I like the guy I’m seeing now. The other day, he suggested we head to a nearby park and go for a hike. I’ve been to this place before, so I knew what I was getting into, but wasn’t aware our plans for the evening would include scaling large rocks and hillsides prior to my arriving at his place. Since it was a ridiculously hot day, I hit up my closest for a skirt and cute shoes with a basic black t-shirt. As he said after I walked in the door, I looked “really summery, and it’s nice.” (Cue small blushing smile here.) So, we’re in the car, we pull up to this park, and he was like, “Oh, yeah. You’re in a skirt. Is that okay?” I jumped out of the car, and was all over this walk. I didn’t care. I’ve done worse things in a dress.
I grew up on a farm, and I’ve had the pleasure of chasing cattle in the middle of a corn field returning from a wedding reception before. Hiking a short distance in a skirt didn’t bother me one bit.
Needless to say, it was a fabulously good time and I kept up with him no problem. Skirt, cute shoes and all.
Having this sort of attitude is all in thanks to my parents, who celebrated their 38th wedding anniversary yesterday. How amazing is that? 38 years…it’s basically unfathomable in this day and age of 50% divorce rates. My parents are truly a role model to have when it comes to marriage. I love them to death, and couldn’t have asked for a better upbringing. Although, I’m sure my dad would have laughed at my skirt climbing adventures while my mom scolded me on being unladylike.
Whatever. They raised me to be this way 🙂
In the spirit of anniversaries, have you ever wondered about what gifts are deemed traditional for the first 10 years of marriage? I love weddings, so this is as much a treat for me to share as it is for you to find out (in case you didn’t already know.)
1st – Paper
2nd – Cotton
3rd – Leather
4th – Linen/Silk
5th – Wood
6th – Iron
7th – Wool/Copper
8th – Bronze
9th – Pottery/China
10th – Tin/Aluminum
That last one rings weird with me, too. As far as who made these landmark decisions, I’m not so sure, but that wasn’t my decisions to make.
Continue to have a wonderful weekend, and may all your wildest dreams come true (even if they only happen in your dreams…for now!)
Birthday’s Eve
I shouldn’t be this irritated the day before my birthday, especially when the plan is to start the festivities tonight.
But what is a girl to do when suddenly all of her friends start to make excuses? A few are actually stating legit reasons, and others just make my eyebrow shoot up into an arch, begging an answer to a sarcastic, “Really?” That’s the best you can come up with? You can’t even spare 30 minutes of your time to enjoy a single martini in celebration of my birthday? Wow. Thank you for being oh-so-considerate. I appreciate your honesty (if that’s what you can even call it), but it’s one night out of the whole entire year I’m asking you to join me for a drink, and you can’t even be bothered for 30 minutes of your time?
I feel so much closer to you. Don’t you feel the same? (In case you missed it, those last few words were simply laced with potent sarcasm.)
Whatever. Haters are gonna hate. If you don’t want to be celebrating with me or you’ll be complaining about all the things you have to do in the morning, I don’t want you raining on my parade. What’s even more irritating? When I’ve been telling you for the last week this upcoming weekend that is now upon us is my birthday, and I wanted them to be there to celebrate with me in any way in which I choose? “Oh I forgot all about it.” Thanks for caring so much about your life and your problems you couldn’t even be bothered to listen to me speak to you about something sort of important to me.
I’ve always celebrated birthday’s to their fullest since I can remember, so excuse me for trying to make my one special day of the year, well, special. If you can’t be there for even 10 minutes of it, then I don’t want you there. Don’t tell me a few days ago to let you know the plan and we’ll be good to go, only to change your mind at the last-minute. Really classy, if I do say so myself.
“Nothing ages as poorly as a beautiful woman’s ego.”
The haunting words of Paulina Porizkova, a musing model. I wonder if she has experienced this first hand. Perhaps? I’ll let you know how my ego is going in about 60 years or so…
Ego is an incredibly important thing to have. If you can’t stand beside yourself and believe in your own capabilities, no one else is certainly going to. You have to be your own #1 cheerleader. It may sound a bit harsh, but really, everyone else out there wants you to fail. Maybe not your mother or father, because without them, you wouldn’t be standing here today, and if they are any sort of parents, they’ll be rooting for you no matter what. Unless you killed your own sister or something. Then, maybe not so much.
ANYWAYS, the point being, you have to believe in yourself when no else does. You have to know you are going to be the one to get you from Point A to Point B. No one else is going to believe for you. As a wise Jedi might say, “Look inside to the Force. Feel, don’t think. Use your instincts. The Force bounds through you like a wave. If you believe it to be your ally, it will serve you well.”
Or something along those lines.
Anyways, I’m looking forward to having a few martini’s in celebration of my birthday, maybe even enjoy a shrimp kabob or two. Sushi perhaps? Anything sounds good to me right now. I had my first round of corn on the cob this evening, and it has left me drooling for more. I know it’s summer when I have butter dripping off my chin from eating my corn on the cob a little too fast, or because i put a touch too much butter on it. What am I saying, there is no such thing as too much butter!
I’ll be heading out to a lake house tomorrow for my actual birthday, and there is nothing better than laying by a large body of water with warm sunshine beating down on you. Add in cake, ice cream, family, most likely grilling, and a few presents? It’s rounding out to be quite a perfect day! I bought myself a new top yesterday as an early ‘Happy Birthday’ to myself, but there are a few more things I’m eyeing up for #1 here. I know birthdays shouldn’t be all about the presents. When asked by my sister what I want/need for my birthday, I couldn’t come up with an answer, and when I told her Boba Fett headphones, she simply stared at me and said, “No, seriously, what do you want for your birthday?”
Apparently she doesn’t understand just how serious I was about my Boba Fett headphones.
Really, when it comes down to it, the things I really want/need are too expensive for any one person to spend on me for a single birthday present. An Ipod, a new laptop, a new sound system…that’s like everyone in my life pooling together their money and buying me one single present. I guess that wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, either.I’ll have to let you know what I do end up receiving. The fact that I’ll get to see my parents and family tomorrow is just as good receiving an Ipod for my birthday.
Since there’s a 99% chance I will not be writing to you tomorrow (unless it’s from a new laptop, by some miracle!), I want to share with you a few new things I tried out last month. I know it’s getting towards the end of June, and I should have shared my New Day Sunday with you earlier, but when life starts running, all I can simply do is hold on for the ride and hope I walk away with only scratches and nothing worse. Here a few new things I tried in the spirit of summer time, and think you should, too.
New Day Sunday
Produce:Roasted Potatoes and Peppers fresh off the Grill
Bakery:Brownies with Ice Cream
Canned Goods:Peaches
Breakfast/Cereal:Lucky Charms Cereal Bars
Meats: Chicken, Asparagus, and Mozzarella Brauts
Dairy: Homemade Whipped Cream on Waffles
Frozen Foods:Michelina’s Shrimp Alfredo
Beverages: Root Beer Floats
Toiletries: Garnier Fructis Anti-Aging Facial Moisturizer
Baby:Floral Headbands
Household:Pledge Dusting Wipes
Pet:Go Dog Go Fetch Bucket
Snacks: Gardetto’s Low-Fat Snack Mix
Miscellaneous:Target’s Black Bathing Suit Cover-Up with Gold Leaves
Continue to have a fantastic weekend, everybody! I’ll be waking up tomorrow to enjoy a lovely mimosa in my pajamas before jumping into a car to spend my birthday afternoon right by the lake. My swimsuit is ready to go, and I’m ready to soak in the sunshine…and if the weather gods have any other weather plans in mind outside of what the Weather Man is telling me, they should clue me in right now so I’m not crabby in the morning.
Until next time, be safe out there and Happy Birthday to me!
An Original Star Wars Girl
You know how you’re in for an exciting job? You’re in the middle of training for your new position, and considering the natural disaster that has rocked this city as of late, what else should happen but a massive power outage.
That’s right…I got sent home from training due to a power outage.
It’s probably a good thing I was sent home. I would have gotten in the way unless I was the one standing by the door directing people out of the place so there would be no accidents of any sorts. (Wouldn’t it be wicked if I went back next week only to find out a murder mystery has plagued the place? And I’m the only innocent one because I left the building? Dum dum dum! Okay, so my imagination is running a little rampant at the moment. Get over it!)
Anyways, I was left go an hour and half early because of the massive power outage, so what else do I do with my free time? I come in to my other job and attempt to work, but I end up talking with more people about the flood than anything else. I’m also half watching last year’s Star Wars Weekend’s ‘Dancing with the Star Wars Stars’ on youtube currently. The theme was Rock N’ Roll. Not too shabby, but the year I was there in person was much better.
Who am I kidding? I can’t stop at one video. So while I type to you, I’m also about to watch the 2012 version of ‘Dancing with the Star Wars Stars’.
Dressing up as a member of the Star Wars universe and dancing to some pretty great music in Hollywood Studios as a favorite Star Wars character sounds like a dream come true. Not only would i get to embrace the artsy side of myself, indulge in my guilty pleasure of performing for a live audience, but I’d also get to be a part of my favorite franchise of all time: Star Wars!! I could be Princess Leia, or Ahsoka, or Adi Gallia, or Zam Wessel, or Aurra Sing!
Hell, I’d even be Chewbacca in that furry suit and stilts!
Little bit of a side note, but I’m only 3.5 minutes into this video of the 2012 Star Wars weekend of Dancing with the Star Wars Stars, and I’m already giggling like a school girl. The Cantina Band knows how to bust a move! Seriously, they are one of my favorite groups of all time.
That group of aliens dances better than I do! Even with their bulbous heads! I don’t care…I lvoe them as they are.
“God, I can be difficult when I want to be.”
Those are the infamous words of the Dame herself, Judi Dench.
When it comes to talking about my love of Star Wars, there is no one more diehard then myself. One such subject that proves this? When asked how I feel about the latest three films that came out (or, the prequels, as some call them), I often say they don’t hold quite the same magic as the originals. Let’s just face it, they don’t.
BUT…
They continue to add a new element to the story we all love so much and hold near to our hearts. People can rant about how much they hate them, how the new Star Wars are nothing compared to the old ones, and even I can rant about the things I detest about the prequels along with everybody else.
In the end, however, I will love them for being a part of the Star Wars universe. They’ve added and expanded on parts of the universe for me in ways the originals can’t. They’ve expanded my realm of the Star Wars universe.
Nothing will ever replace the originals. Nothing. And if I live long enough to see someone try to remake them, I will make sure they never see the light of day every again. I’ll go all Lord Vader on them.
Star Wars is one trilogy that should never, ever be remade. Ever. (However, I can hear some of you already…”The prequels were a remake of the originals!” I would disagree, but to each their own opinion.)
I’m forever a Star Wars girl. Always have been, always will be.
I started making my Birthday Wish list last night. It’s a little late in the making considering my birthday is in 3 days, but it’s getting done nonetheless. What items are gracing my list this year? Well….here’s an idea:
1.) Boba Fett headphones
2.) Star Wars playing cards
3.) a Star Wars baseball button down shirt
4.) a Yoda memory stick
5.) Episode 1 on DVD (it’s the only one I don’t own in this particular format…I only own it in VHS. Can you believe that?)
That;s just the start of the list. I always take cash, check, gift cards, you name it. If it’s currency, I’ll accept it. As long as it can be spent legitimately in the United States of America!
I’ll also take a new cell phone, an Ipod, a new sound system that plays CDs still, or a new laptop. A little more spendy, but you will forever be loved by me. I promise.
My loving is a good sort of loving, too.
Think cookies and back rubs. Oh yeah!
Until next time, my friends. May the Force be with you, and enjoy the 2012 Dancing with the Star Wars Stars!
Me? A Future Business Woman?
Seriously, not having my own personal laptop again just plainly sucks.
In case you didn’t hear me the first time…IT. SUCKS.
Especially in the sense that I have a huge inspiration for a blog post…but then something at work pops up when normally the time finds me searching for things to stave off boredom, or the laptop I thought I could use is no longer in my home (what is it with engaged couples that makes them want to share absolutely everything?), or I’m all set to type and then I lose all sorts of motivation.
Classic example? I sat down all ready to type this post out in less than an hour (because I’ve found when I put myself on a time limit I type better…Err, write better. Whatever that means. Haha!) So, here I am sitting down ready to rock out this posting, and I put Gossip Girl on. How did I ever think I was going to get anything done?
Plus, one interview done for the day and another this afternoon. Man, I wish I could say they were for potential Big Girl jobs. Well, I shouldn’t say that. It’s not entirely true. One of them has the potential to become a very Big Girl Job, and I’ll keep my fingers crossed that this one turns out. It would be a pretty sweet gig. Not ideal in terms of hours, and I’d have to make some major decisions in terms of what I do with my other places of employment, but I can’t think about those possibilities right now.
Right now, I need to think about getting the position. It’d be with a well-known theater company here in this city, and it would be a great start to my ideal career path. So, giants of the Universe and masters of the Force, if you can work your magic for me, I’d be forever in your debt! I probably shouldn’t even be mentioning this to anyone. I seem to jinx myself that way, like a revealed birthday wish after the candles have already blown out. Or wishing on a star out loud.
There are certain things you just don’t do. But, here I am. Breaking that rule. I’ve been breaking a lot of rules lately. Seems to be my style. Or maybe my inner Bad Girl coming out? Only time will tell.
Running around the city this morning hit home the idea that you have to be proactive in your search and in the spread of a person’s name. Hopefully the efforts pay off. See, this is the thing about job hunting. There’s only so much you can do up to a certain point. You hit that bright red marker, and then it’s out of your hands. I’ve literally placed my fate in someone elses hands. Again, I’m crossing my fingers that I dazzled them with my charm and wit.
Another connection I need to play up more? The fact that I was raised and spent my entire childhood on a farm. That I spent 20 years of my life working like most kids never work in their life.
Farm kids know the meaning of hard work, dedication, and working for the best possible outcome. If a farmer doesn’t put out excellent quality in their product, it’s not going to sell. If the product doesn’t sell, then there’s no profit to be made. If no profit is to be made, then we can’t make a living. It’s one cycle that makes sense and is completely logical when you really sit down to think about it.
I’ve never considered myself a business woman, but at the same time, I’ve had a yearning to understand how that side of business works. If I’m ever going to work for myself, or open a small-time bookstore like I want to when I retire in 55 years (keeping my fingers crossed for that prospect, too), I need to understand accounting, bookkeeping, profits and deductions, and a whole lot of other terms I’m sure I’ve never heard of because I’m no business major.
I know I’m still young. I can still go back to school, I can still take classes to learn tricks of the trade, I can still learn new tricks. Most likely, I will end up in a bigger set of cities to go through a 9-month paralegal program. I’ve recently discovered my love for research. I love learning new things, and reading about subjects that I’ve never encountered before!
Nerdy, isn’t it?
I know it’s Thursday afternoon, and these are usually meant for Wednesday because that is the day marking the halfway point of the week, but it’s not quite the weekend yet, so in case your weather is as rainy, dreary, and foggy as they are here, keep these words in mind to keep your spirits high.
– Your sparkle like no one else.
– Let go of a worry.It’s only weighing you down.
– The world is a better place because of you.
– Life brings unexpected joys all the time.
– You make people smile.
– Relax! Your to-do list can wait.
– Never underestimate the power of a brand new day.
Seeing other people reach their successes has only pushed me harder to start making the life for myself that I want. It may sound lame, but I really want a job where I feel important, where I am key factor is what operation is happening. Like Sam Witwicky says in Transformers 3, “I want a job where I matter. I just want to matter again.”
Don’t we all?
“Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.”
I only wish I garnered that sort of attention on a daily basis, Marlo Thomas. Yes, she is THAT girl.
Keeping my fingers crossed for another posting yet tonight, but we shall see. I have myself a date 🙂
Oh, My Head
The revenge of Thirsty Thursday.
All amped up to head into work here, and put my nose to the books in making further progress with a new project I’ve just started, and I just can’t concentrate. I look at the screen, and my mind just implodes with everything. Can I comprehend the words in front of my face? Not really. How am I even typing right now? I apologize immediately if none of this makes any sense to you. It probably won’t make sense to me.
Never have I had an entire day off like I did yesterday, and it also happened to be an incredibly gorgeous day so I was able to sit in the sunshine and soak in some Vitamin D. Add in a few margaritas, endless bowls of chips and salsa, a few rounds of tequila, and I was feeling pretty great about my day.
It was not an easy day by any means, either. I shouldn’t be loathing in self-pity or anything, but receiving another ‘Thanks, but no thanks’ email from another job application is disheartening. How people do this for months and months, and still keep their heads up? I’ve done this for a few weeks, and I’m already shaking my head. It’s incredibly hard on the mind.
How can one employer tell me I have a wealth of experience and am so very impressive, and the next five take a look at my resume and don’t even consider me worthy of an interview?
Here’s my heart, here’s the knife. Please stab it repeatedly. Just worthless…or, as some would say, not the right time for me. Not the job for me.
Well, I’m ready when they are!
So, starting off my morning like that, wasn’t the best. Then I did receive a phone call, but it was in concerns to my ex-boyfriend. Apparently, he hasn’t been seen around his apartment for several weeks and his mail is piling up inside his mailbox, so people started asking questions. They called an old employer, they call the manager, and they proceed to call me. I haven’t spoken to him since we graduated a few weeks ago.
Talk about giving me a heart attack! “Have you spoken to or seen him recently?” “Not for a few weeks.” “Okay…well, do you have a phone number to his parent’s or a family member?” “No, I don’t. Okay, you’re freaking me out…What’s going on?”
Yep…that was the conversation. I had a multitude of small heart attacks for a half hour after that, but I was able to contact his sister and it turns out he’s been staying with his parents in his hometown. I tried calling him, but no answer. I was worried about him! Just because we aren’t dating anymore doesn’t mean I turned my ‘Care’ switch off.
Add this heart attack on top of finding out my 2nd workplace removed my only hours from my schedule without telling me, and I just lost it. I was standing in the middle of a shopping store, and I had to tell myself to breath. It wasn’t anything worth losing my cool in public over, but at the same time, I couldn’t believe the nerve of such a place. They ask me to open my availability, and when I can open up my hours more, they don’t schedule me at all. I was working more when I strictly worked weekends. Just confusing to me. I’m a good employee, and I just don’t understand the bureaucracies of a business. Maybe I don’t want to be a CEO ever in my lifetime.
“We’ve tried ignorance for a thousand years. It’s time we try education.”
Even though Jocelyn Elders, a former U.S. Surgeon General, is talking about sex education, it is something to be thought about in regards to other areas of life as well.
On a lighter note, it’s the first of June today! Yayay! You know what that means? It means my birthday is a mere 23 days away, and I have no plans for it whatsoever. I need to get on top of that. It’s a special one this time around. But what’s on my mind in terms of my birthday?
Places to hide my birthday presents, of course!
– Bicycle Basket
– In the Watering Can
– Mailbox
– Hanging Plant
– The knot of a Tree
– Sandbox
– Inside my bike helmet
– Used a lawn ornament
– The Birdbath
– Inside my favorite pair of shoes
– In the piano
– Brought to me in a Wheelbarrow
– While sitting in a Patio Chair
– Inside the Cookie Jar
– My Coffee Mug
– Behind a Rock
– In the Window Box
– My Coat Pocket
I have been given or have found a birthday present in all of the above locations at one of my few birthdays since I was born, so I never really know where I’m going to find the next one. It’s a mystery I enjoy. Now…if I could solve the job hunt mystery, my life would be almost set.
Almost.
Fabulous Friday will be coming at you later this evening. I hope you can wait that long!
Until then!
The Modern Jedi 