Dating for Dummies

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Dating. I’ve never had such a nasty taste in my mouth after saying a word.

Such a nasty, gargling foam in the back of my throat. Ack…

Don’t get me wrong. I’d love to be in a committed relationship. I’d love to have someone to cuddle and call whenever I was feeling blue. I would more than certainly love to have someone to say “I love you” to at the end of every phone conversation. But the road I need to take in order to get there? Yeah, I may need a breath mint right about now since this taste in my mouth is getting worse.

According to an article on Thought Catalog, Tom Hanson tops the list of most perfect fictional boyfriends. I heartily agree!

Maybe I’m at a point in my life where I’m content and need to focus on me. Or, like many other women, I’m sure, it’s scary to think about dating. But, wait…what about those dates I went on with New Guy, and a few other chosen males in the past year or so since my ugly break-up? What about New Guy’s Best Friend who keeps things interesting with he occasional text here and there? About the gushing cries of “omg I really like this guy, oh man I can’t wait to go out again?”

Yeah, I think I was still in a phase of the break-up. They were all very nice guys, the ones I went out with (until they pulled a very douche bag move and made me change my perspective on the male race entirely yet again.)

I might have to draw a line somewhere.

There are nice guys out there. I know this. Everyone knows this. They’re not just going to pop out of the ground like gophers and say, “I’m a nice guy! Date me!” No, I’d certainly be in a fantasy world if that were the case. I think I’m tired of looking for them. Come on, what sounds better? Sitting on the couch, watching the TV show YOU want to watch, eating an entire bowl of extra buttery popcorn without having to share (and no one poking your waist, giving you a hint to watch the caloric intake), and the fact you look like crap with your hair up in a loose ponytail and a large, polka-dotted headband holding the loose hairs out of your eyes? No one cares! Your roommate might say something, but hey, it’s your roommate, and we’re friends. Tell her to go eat another Ding-Dong and get back to your show.

Ah, go shove it up your arse!

Then there’s the primping and the prepping for who knows what kind of night. Will you go to a nice restaurant? Will he pull a 180 and take you for a walk instead? Is it just a coffee date? If it’s dinner, what do you order? Not  a salad, because let’s face it, we all know I like to eat. But not a steak or a burger…too messy. Hair up? Down? Jewelry…too much could be a bad sign, but not enough could show you might not care at all. Plus, you have to shave your legs, tweeze the eyebrows, gloss the lips, and make the eyeliner perfect. Perfume can’t be too heavy, but it shouldn’t be too light so he literally puts his nose into the crook of your neck to try to catch a whiff of something other than B.O. and sweat.

Guys, you have no idea what we go through!

Attractive, isn’t it?

“Dinner is a waste on a first date, because you don’t want the guy to se how much you can really eat. He’ll find out soon enough I can put my entire head in a Haagen-Dazs tub.”

I love your words of wisdom Maryellen Hooper, a professional leg puller. Seriously, what is considered the “right” thing to eat when out on a first date? It’s a question I don’t think any one person can truly answer with definite confidence. Maybe Cosmopolitan magazine, but sometimes I wonder if they test their own advice. Buffalo chicken wings on a first date? Um, no thank you.

On top of everything, she’s a gorgeous goofball.

The date isn’t over yet, meaning the panic should only be setting in. You’ve made it through dinner, he’s walking you to your door (or maybe you’re still sitting his car!) He reaches a hand over, places it on your knee. You turn to say good night face-to-face. Omg, is this the part where he kisses you good night? What if none of this stuff happens and there is no kiss good night at all? Multiple reasons could be true, but if you had a good time and he’s cute, you’re not going to think logically at this point in time. Instead, you will be calm, cool, and collected on the outside (like any great woman would be), but on the inside, you are screaming, crying, smashing your purse against the door the minute it shuts behind him….Lots of crazy action no one should ever be privy to.

Never ask to see a girl’s closet unless you already live with her.

Dating is a lot of panic, a lot of heartache, and a lot of waiting. It’s so much easier when you’ve known the person, and suddenly, it’s not dating. You’ve just become the couple you’ve always felt like you were. There’s no more questioning, and it gets to be fun saying, “I have a date tonight!”

I miss getting to wear outfits like this, and caring so much about a single outfit.

I haven’t had a night like that for some time. Know what? I’m okay with that. I need to figure me out in so many ways yet. If Mr. Wonderful should pass me on the street and ask me out, I won’t decline the offer. You never know, he might be my Special Someone. He could be the next on the long list of guys I’ve been out on a date with. You just never know.

Wish he was a part of my dating history…

The Force likes to keep us guessing…or it likes to remind us that relationships aren’t exactly the Jedi Way. But if I can successfully hold a steady relationship with Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, I can certainly keep a steady relationship with the right guy.

Hello, my two fave Dairy men in the world.

In the meantime, I’m enjoying the start of fall and the month of September, and here are my fave things about this month:

– Textbooks

I do miss finding that rare textbook I actually liked reading.

– Campus

Walking across the campus of your college is a feeling one doesn’t forget anytime soon.

– Cafeteria

Any place that gives out food is okay in my book.

– Teachers

I still might want to be one…

– Dormitories

Living in the dorms is an experience I will never forget…but I wouldn’t live in those little rooms again if I had to.

– Autumn Leaves

Absolutely breathtaking!

– Football

I can’t lie…I love watching muscular men pound each other to the ground over a tiny pigskin ball.

It’s hard to believe this month is practically over already. That’s what happens when you’re having fun…and pinpointing all the possible ways why I am still a single woman in this day and age.

Far too many reasons…I just need to stop my brain from thinking.

HA! I know the real reason. Men are scared of me, plain and simple. I know I’m a lot to handle, but you know what? If there’s a guy out there who can handle me without thinking he can tame me, we’ll get along just fine. I just have to wait for him and I to cross paths.

Where’s the Jack in my life? Is he coming? Will he draw me?

In the meantime, this Jedi is going to keep being real…and that means eating what I want in whatever quantities I want.

Salmon sounds good for dinner, doesn’t it?

Or maybe even a nice pair of rabbits with potatoes, eh Sam?
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One thought on “Dating for Dummies

    scott bergman said:
    September 28, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    Well Hello there, ran across your blog today while searching the term Jedi on Google. I even had to add it to my blogroll on my website so I could remember to come back.

    Anyhow, after 2 marriage break-ups I too have a bad taste in my mouth in regards to dating. For me, I’ve learned it’s best to just not worry about dating and take care of myself for a while.

    Have a great day!

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