What Not To Do When You’re at the Gym

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Heading to the gym, I have one thing on my mind and one thing only: I’m going to work up a sweat and no one better get in my way.

And yes, I’m trying to look fabulous all at the same time.

What did everyone else at the gym decide to do today? Piss me off.

Seeing a line of runners already taking up the first four treadmills, I keep walking to the opposite end of the treadmill line to take one where I can run on my own, or at least give my mind the illusion that I was running on my own. There were at least 3 treadmills between me and the next guy, and in wanders Miss Ditz-A-Fritz. Where does she head? For the treadmill to my left.

I like my space…so move!

Now, this is going to sound neurotic, but if you’re going to be stupid and choose a treadmill by me when I am obviously making a point to not runΒ  next to another human being, go on my right side and not my left. My left eye is my dominant eye. I have a better peripheral sight range on my left side, and the stupid little girl takes a spot on the treadmill directly on my left.

Not a big enough bitch to stand there, glare and tell her to move to another machine, I took it in stride. As much as I tried to ignore her, it threw off my entire stride for the next 20 minutes. On top of everything else, it was unusually hot in that workout room and the air was incredibly dry. Within five minutes, I was breathing harder than the day I just took up running again without a glance back over my shoulder.

It’s been a hard day’s night, and I’ve been working like a dog — Those lyrics have never been more true.

To my further irritation, Ms. Ditz-A-Fritz only ran for, like, 6 minutes. What the hell is the point of being on a treadmill when you’re barely doing anything? I don’t even think she actually started running.

You’re clearly going to fast at that walking pace!

Finally, she left and I was able to find my stride, but I was still having trouble breathing, so I let myself slow down to a fast walk…and that’s when idiot Number 2 walked in.

I just slowed down to my fast walk when this tall, lanky kid in a fluorescent yellow cut-off gets on the treadmill on my right (at least he figured that much out on his own.) If the shirt color wasn’t annoying enough, but the heavy wave of cologne that overtook me within the first few seconds of his starting to run was enough to knock me off my feet.

As if I wasn’t having enough trouble breathing the way it was, but Mr. Giorgio Armani was about to make me vomit all over both our treadmills.

“No man knows his true character until he had run out of gas, purchased something on the installment plan, and raised an adolescent.”

According to our phrase turner, Marcelene Cox, Mr. Bright Shirt has quote a way to go. If you don’t understand the “3 spritzes is more than enough” cologne rule at your age, how are you going to teach your own teenage son? Answer: You aren’t having offspring pop out of any females lower body parts until you are at least 40 years of age.

She looks like she’s got an edge to her.

To further prove how much of an idiot he was, he only ran for like 5 minutes, much like Ms. Ditz. What was everyone’s deal? Running for 5 minutes is not going to save you from years of heart disease.

Later when I went to work on my arms and abs, there was Mr. Bright Shirt and his just as dull friend. Again, they did maybe two lifts of each weight, then went on each machine for about 2 seconds, and then quite loudly, they start talking about how they should try out the facilities hot tub. To add to their stupidity, they kept glancing over at me as they talked about it.

Man, I wish I had one of these in my backyard.

Smooth, boys. Real smooth. Along with your stench of nasty-ass cologne, any possible sweat you might have produced, and now trying to “convince” me to head to the hot tub, too. Please tell me you’re kidding.

Seriously. Be kidding.

To further add to everything, when I didn’t follow them, they came back to the area I was still working out in. Just back and forth, back and forth. For no reason, as far as I could see, either. Each time they came back, I smelled them before they turned the corner.

Just what I needed to finish out my workout in style.

On top of this wonderful gym experience, it was a rather unpleasant day at work and, in case you’re experiencing the way midweek hump that I am, here are a few words to life your spirits:

– Mistakes don’t make you any less special.

– You are needed.

You cannot escape your destiny.

– There’s no better investment than yourself.

So, you want the eat? Eat!

– Dream it. Plan it. Live it.

Fifteen years ago, do you think Kate thought she’d be standing at that podium?

– Today could be your best one yet.

Best Day EVER!!!!!!!!

– Beautiful is part of who you are.

Let it shine out in everything you do!

– Why make the world wait? You’re ready to shine now!

The world is ready for the Girl on Fire

If my gym experience wasn’t just a peach of a time after everything I have just recounted, it was pouring rain when I walked out. What else was I to do but walk to my car in the pouring rain?

Gotta love the Fall season in this city.

I may need to buy myself those Golden Apple Orchard votive candles after all.

The smell exactly like great apple cider. So yummy.

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