I’m Not Trying to Sound Like My Parents, But…

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Trust me when I say I feel lost without my cell phone whenever I manage the amazing feat of forgetting it at home. *GASP* What am I thinking? How DARE I leave home without my cell phone? Every one else in this country is attached to theirs like best friends are attached at the hip. It’s always in the palm of my hand or safely nestled into my back pocket. How is it possible for me to forget it at home?

Oh, it’s possible. I feel the Universe is sending me a signal when this rare occasion happens. Literally, I translate it to this: Stop being a slave to your cell phone. If you’re not expecting an important call, no message you receive between now and tonight will change the course of your day, let alone your life. But mostly, stop acting like your cell phone is your oxygen tank AKA something you need to live from minute to minute on this planet.

Every counter in the American populace should bear this sign Loud and Proud!

Really, it’s incredibly liberating to forget your cell phone or to have it die from too much use halfway through the normal working day when you don’t necessarily need it for something. No incessant buzzing, no stupid questions from people, and most importantly, no feeling the need to check my phone every 5 seconds to make sure I haven’t missed a call or a text message. I can’t say I don’t already check my phone incessantly. I do. There are a handful of people I text throughout the day for a multitude of reasons, most of them because I want to be talking to these people throughout the day and because they entertain. I also care about them and want to know what they’re up to. Some might call that excessive, but there are plenty of other things in my life considered far more excessive.

So what if I like talking to my Dad? He’s a pretty cool dude.

Like my need to know everything happening in the London Olympics right now. More specifically, what Ryan Lochte tweeted from day-to-day. (Am I a crushing, pathetic female, or what?)

Professional stalker status just increased by 15 points.

The reason cell phones and their incessant need to always be attached to the palm of our hands is easy enough to understand as to why it’s causing me a bit of angst. In my ten minute drive to work, I had to slam on my brakes twice…TWICE…to avoid hitting another vehicle because both drivers were finding it more important to be chatting away on their cell phones than looking at both directions of incoming traffic. It’s one thing when you’re driving a tine Geo Metro, but when you’re behind the wheel of a large F-150 truck with a loaded truck bed and you decided to creep across 3 lanes of traffic because you’re so busy talking on your cell phone and watching traffic coming from the opposite direction in which I’m coming at you from…I have a big problem with you.

As Rihanna said: Shut up and Drive!

I know in my bones that today is not my day to die. I will not be making my way to meet my maker this evening. So put away your damn cell phone and look both ways before crossing the street. Didn’t your mother teach you anything when you were in kindergarten?!

You tell’em Aragorn!

That might be the reason why I enjoy the previews for Matthew Perry’s new show ‘Go On’ so much, particularly when they show the clip of Perry throwing his shoe or a clipboard (Maybe even a smoothie?) at a car’s windshield and screams, “Stop texting. You’re going to kill someone.” Not only do I like Perry and his incredible understanding of sarcastic humor (I will always love him as Chandler Bing from Friends), but he also pens a pretty true statement here.

How stupid can you be? = Perry’s expression.

How many people have come forward to say they know a loved one died in a car accident probably due to the fact of trying to read a text message while driving, and when they look at the time the guilty text message was sent and the time of the crash coincides with that text message? Doesn’t seem so important anymore, does it?

Bumper stickers for all!

It wouldn’t be fair to say I’m innocent of the above crime. False, as Dwight would say. I have held conversations while in the office of my car’s interior. I have broken the law and talked on my cell phone while driving. I’m not proud to say I do it,but I have done it. It’s a bad habit to break. Like picking at your cuticle beds. When you think about it, it’s really disgusting.

Dwight, I’m sure, has a reason to tell you. Or five.

But to keep the mood light, I came across a funny little list here, and I’d like to share it with you. What’s life if there isn’t anything to laugh about?

Seven Signs You’re Addicted to your Cell Phone:

1.) You have a different ring tone for all 50 of you contacts — including “Who Let the Dogs Out?” for the vet.

2.) You lovingly refer to is as your “sister from another mister.”

3.) The insurance policy you bought for it trumps your own.

Ooops…Been there and done all that.

4.) You RSVP’d “no” to your friend’s party because she lives in a “dead zone.”

Just say no. It’s acceptable.

5.) At the dinner table, you text your teenager to pass the salt.

Oh don’t worry. I’m just checking the movie times…and the score of the game…and texting my friend how not okay this date is going…and confirming another different date for tomorrow night…and I’m also texting you to pass the salt.

6.) Forget flying! You ride the train, where nobody tells you to power off.

If only Katniss and Peeta had phones to text on before heading off to the Hunger Games.

7.) Your husband told you that you’re “all thumbs” and you took it as a compliment.

All good here!

That’s going to be it for now. Not only am I feeling incredibly sleepy, but I’m just not having it with anybody. Zero tolerance for idiocy right now, and I’m very much enjoying an entire floor to myself at this place tonight. No noise, no people talking…it’s giving me a chance to brace myself for tomorrow night when people will be milling about EVERYWHERE and I’ll want to ignore each and every one of them.

I’ll need to find my happy place.

Oh, how I want a day entirely to myself, and yes, that would include turning my cell phone on silent for a majority of the day.

Preferably here…with a hunky shirtless man to rub my aching muscles.

One can only dream.

I find this purely funny.

The weekend is almost here, chaps! Keep calm and carry on!


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