Day: June 29, 2012
This simple, tiny word describes more about my life in the past month than any other. And what a word to rely on to describe my life in a nutshell.
It’s all around me, and everyone else I’m sure. The worst kind of pressure is when it rubs onto everyone around you, whether you intend to pass the dark cloud over their heads or not. It sticks to you like the worst kinds of humidity. No matter how much you try to shake it off, drink away the tension, yell at someone until your vocal cords hurt, or punch your pillow until it’s finally bad to its rightful plumpness. It hangs over you like a cloud of skunk stench.
It comes in all shapes and sizes, and many, many different forms. Training for a mediocre new job. Choosing my career path. Getting applications done, proofed and out via virtual mail or the real thing. Relationships. Do I pursue. Let him pursue. Holding hands. What does it mean. Crashing on his couch. Paying for dinner. Taking a walk. Going out for drinks and getting tipsy. Sexual tension. Do we or don’t we. A simple kiss good night. A brush of a hand. Wanting more, but knowing better. Family. Get a job. With benefits. What are you waiting for. Wedding planning. Money leaving my wallet faster than I can count it. Food. Pure Pleasures Party. More food. Gifts. Is this the right bridal shower gift. Invites and RSVPs. Did I get everyone. Medical care. Am I healthy. Has it come back. Something doesn’t feel right. Take your meds. Those cost money, too. Renew a prescription. Take more meds. Explain health to guy currently “seeing”. Hope he doesn’t lose interest or hate me. Time alone. Thoughts collide. Pressure builds. Friends call. Missed texts. Anger is shown. Crap…I screwed up. Open a beer. Stupid decision. Extra pounds. Kiss him again. There’s a bed. Don’t do it. Not yet. Go home feeling confused. Lay awake. Can’t sleep. Too tired in the morning. Can’t focus. No interviews. Another resume. New policies at mediocre job. Watching your every step. Go home. Not hungry, but eat anyways. Bloated. Can’t sleep. Spend money on over-priced extra shot of coffee. Go to his house. Laughter. Fall asleep on shoulder. You can stay over. Should I or shouldn’t I. Can’t sleep. Wake up early for mediocre job.
The cycle goes on and on.
It’ a great thing, and a bad thing. If not handled correctly, it could implode everything you’ve ever worked for.
It’s the thing, it’s every day life. I’ve dealt with pressure as long as I can remember. It’s starts early for us women. Are we skinny enough? When will we grow boobs, and when we do, will they big or barely there? Cramps…they suck. No need to delve in there. I work out, but how do I work out without having too much muscle? I don’t want to look like a man…
This sort of mind talk starts early, and I was victim to it. Senior year of high school, I went on a very low-cal to barely eating diet. I worked out harder than I ever had in my life. For what, you might ask. So I’d look good for my senior prom. It was the first time I fit into a Size 4 dress with room to spare. I tried to keep it that way, but when I got too tired to walk across my farm’s yard to feed the cat’s their dinner at night, I knew I had a problem.
“Men are perfectly good. The trouble is that they are only good for one thing at a time.”
Michelle Lovric, a noteworthy novelist, you speak a truth about men. They are not great at multi-tasking and I have fallen victim to this male trait on more than one occasion. How do you get his attention away from COD? I could sit next to him naked, but we’ve only gone out on about 3 dates. How do I get him to respond to that text? Calling him will only turn him off. Try the rubber band effect. No good? Well, shit. Now what?
Look perfect. Never complain. Try to keep your opinion light and funny, but still sticking it to them. You’re too crazy. You seek what is not there. No, a gentleman of chivalry still exists. You’re too high maintenance. I wear jeans and t-shirts more often than not. Your hair is too nice. I’m sorry? We’ll talk later. No missed phone calls. A confrontation. “I’ve been really busy.” Bullshit. Tell me the truth to my face. Naw, I’ll just say I’ll talk to you later. Asshole. Back to square one. Here’s a nice guy…I think?
Some of it may be self-induced. Others parts, not so much. Before I cause you to sink into a fit of pressurized self-berating and tears, my Friday was sort of Fabulous, and here’s why.
Fabulous Fireworks Show:
Fabulous Semi-Healthy 4th of July Treat:
Fabulous Stage Moment:
Fabulous Love Note:
Fabulous Pet Care:
Fabulous Food Trick:
Fabulous Booze Infused 4th of July Treat:
Fabulous Disney Reality:
Fabulous Festive 4th of July Treat:
Fabulous Anytime Snack Food:
I hope your weekends are starting up the way they should be.