Growing Pains and Aches

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My head feels so fuzzy I can barely think.

I don't need drugs. This is how my brain feels normally.

I’m slowly coming to realize I have to grow up in the next couple of months, and it’s hitting my heart like a freight train. Part of the reason why I have this headache? 1.) I spent half my day on the phone trying to get answers out of people so I could progress with my day, 2.) Too many situations only adults should handle are hammering away at me.

Let me explain:

The major deal breaker today? Medical bills and how to pay them. Health should be a major priority for everyone. Maybe it’s because I’m watching Grey’s Anatomy like a fiend lately, but it seems like doctors are more about the money than actually making sure you’re getting the care you need. OR they’re getting you the care, but with no regard to the size of your wallet. I’m a struggling student who will be struggling even more in the months to come. While I’m thankful my insurance kicked in quite a bit of cash flow to help me with my current financial predicament, I still have a handful of debt to pay off. On top of that, I don’t qualify for the hospital’s care program to help those of us who don’t have a large enough income to pay off the outstanding balance. Seriously….does a tissue biopsy really have to cost $327? Now, add up the cost for four of them, and you’re looking at me handing over 2 months worth of paychecks. Now, that doesn’t seem quite right.

Yes, I'm healthy and going to be okay...but man, first the emotional distress, and now the financial.

I’m telling myself to breath, things will work themselves out, but this is just one bill. Give me a couple of weeks, and I’ll be getting one for my most recent procedure in the mail.

I don’t need medical debt on top of my student debt!

On top of all this, I’m focusing a lot of energy on the job search. Yes, that’s right. I’ve begun my professional job search. Already I’m doubting I’ll find a job, and if I find my dream job, I’m not going to be the one to get it. Writing cover letters and resumes takes a lot out of my brain. When you’re staring at a computer screen for 8+ hours every day, its driving me insane…another reason why I probably have a gigantic headache right now.

Ideally? I’d love a job that allowed me to Tweet, Facebook, blog, pinterest, tumble, and all of thee above. It would be so groovy to be able to do that. Hey employers, do you hear that? I’m good with social media. Now, if I ran a blog for your company, we’d stick to company related topics…I wouldn’t delve into Star Wars or my personal life…unless my personal life reflect what the company wanted to promote. Then it might be a different story 🙂

My life would be a little bit fabulous if that's what I got paid to do.

But in all seriousness, the job search is hard. The best thing about it? I’m finding there are jobs out there. I just have to keep the motivation there and apply, apply, apply! As everyone keeps telling me, put in the time and the work, and when it’s time for things to happen, they will.

OH, and another thing…I sent in my resume and samples of my portfolio to a potential employer, and now they have me working on a project that will be a part of my application. Now, I didn’t major in marketing or anything like that, but I have to think like one, and the fear is already gripping me. What if I can’t think of anything? What if my idea is stupid? What if they hate it? Blah blah blah…The first thing I learned in this world of the Academy? If you’re going to fail, fail big.

Whatever it is I decide to do, do if full force. No half-assing it. All go or don’t do it at all.

Can't say Ethan Hawke doesn't give it his all each and every time. Fail big, he will.

Really great words to live by, actually.

I’ve mentioned this before, but where one of my key strengths and passions lies in my writing. It’s an extension of who I am, and honestly, if I don’t write for a certain stretch of time, but fingers get the itch. They’ll find a pencil or pen one way or another. So, fingers crossed that I’ll find a job where I can write. I might not be able to write the things I want to write, but at least I’m putting my efforts forward and keeping myself in the flow of things. Like this blog. It’s something I tell myself i have to do every day. Yeah, there have been a few blips here and there. The main thing? People are reading what I’m writing, and the more people who read it, the more of an impact I can make. Mostly when I write, I want a reaction out of people.

A good reaction is worth a million words. Especially from the Obama's.

Trust me, I’ve gotten quite a few great reactions already, and I haven’t even hit my 50th post yet. Soon…very soon!

” ‘Why do you write for children?’ My immediate response to this question is,’ I don’t.’ If it’s not good enough for adults, it’s not good enough for children.”

An excellent point of view from the noted Newberry Medalist, Madeleine L’Engle.

If I could win any award for my writing, I'll know I've become something with my passion.

I’m always interested in finding out about other people’s processes. More specifically, I’m interested in finding out how writers get into their process. If they’re anything like me, they get hit by ideas at the most random times and usually don’t have a pen and paper around to jot it down on. The other day? Listening to Lady Gaga’s Born This Way album, and I have a whole concept for a musical production in my head set to each and every song on her album. It would be simply marvelous! Of course, the next day, I pop in the CD and I can barely remember any of the moments I had in my head. The outline was there…the vivid details that hit me the day before while driving? Not to be found.

Total inspiration out of nowhere.

It’s moments like that when I need a voice-activated notepad….I talk, it types, and I have everything I need and will never lose an idea. Every again.

Why I carry a small notepad with me wherever I go.

I’ll keep dreaming.

The headache is lessening up a little bit here, but I’m still ready to take myself by the ears and chuck my head into a snow bank. Yeah…I finally woke up this morning to look out my window and find my car covered in a blanket of snow. It wasn’t cold out, so I didn’t mind clearing it off one bit.

As much as I want to become an independent adult, I like to go back to the words from an episode of Grey’s Anatomy: “We’re all just kids in a grown-up body living in a grown up world. We might look the part, but really, we’re all just a bunch of kids. We never really grow up.”

When, really, this is how we're getting by. Remembering and reminding each other we all really are Losers. With a capital L.

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