No one want to the bitter one of any failed relationship. Mutually agreed upon to split or a full-out broken heart kind of end. No one wants to be “that” guy.
It’s been brought to my attention that maybe I have been “that” someone. My gut is in all sorts of knots right now because that was not my intention, and I’m not the sort of person to leave things hanging when something causes this feeling inside of me.
Looking back at past postings, I do have to acknowledge I may not have been the nicest person to those who have come and gone from my life. Everything I have written on here could be labeled as personal. It’s coming from me, the author. It’s stuff I’m drawing from my real life. Of course, it’s going to be personal. At the same time, I may have crossed the line with my personal touches and that may be painting someone in a bad light.
I would like to say I’m sorry.
You have your different types of personalities in this world. There are your thinkers, your feelers, your strategists, your introverts, your extroverts. Me? I’m a feeler, and that means I go with my emotions. I listen to my gut and trust it to lead me in the right direction. When it comes to writing, I go with my gut. If I want to say something, I’m going to say it. Damn the consequences. The pen is mightier than the sword.
It’s true in this case. As I have attempted to illustrate point after point with anecdotes from my real life, I have been putting some unflattering light on others. Most specifically, my ex-boyfriend.
This was not my intention.
Yes, we had a rocky break-up. Yes, it was completely out of the blue on my end to hear the words “We need to talk.” Dishing out details of our relationship together may not have been the smartest moves on my part. At times, when I am sharing with all of you, I am angry at him. You know the different stages of a break-up? I’m pretty sure I’m still in the angry phase with him. There are many unanswered questions I want to ask him. Maybe I have received the answers to them, but I refuse to accept their answers. I’m not entirely sure.
Break-ups aren’t pleasant for anyone. As I have written and blogged and posted my feelings and opinions away, I may have hurt any chance we have of being friends with him after the fact.
Many of you don’t know who he is. You read these postings, and wonder who this guy is and maybe even question yourself why I, the Modern Jedi, seem to hold him in such contempt. Some of you do know who I’m talking about. You know things now that may change not only your perception of him, but of me. That’s the risk I’ve taken. There are many sides to each and every person in this world. I don’t know if you can ever really know them all.
An apology on here is close to meaning nothing. Whatever damage has happened, has happened. I can’t take back the words already spoken. But I feel this is a step in the right direction.
I really am sorry.
I haven’t been fair while only highlighting the bad parts of the relationship. There were many, many good times in our time together. So many times, I can’t even recount them all. The ones I do recall…we’d be here for a while. Our time together was special, and it isn’t something I want to look back on and have tainted by these moments of stupidity. I react when my emotions react. More often than not, I turn to writing.
It wasn’t my intention to take him down, belittle him, get my revenge on him, or anything like that. Sometimes I was writing to highlight a point I was making. That was it. He happened to be a part of my example. I can see how this could be viewed as a terrible thing. It may be something that only makes sense in my head, and in my head alone.
But, I do apologize from the bottom of my heart. I did love him. I still do love him. Maybe not in the same way as before, but love is a complicated thing
You don’t just flip an emotion that strong off on a moment’s notice.
I’m sure he’ll come up in conversation again. I’ll think it over three times instead of two from here on out.
Living in the past is not the Jedi way, but it is hard to forget. Not that the Jedi encourage you to forget what has happened in your life. Not at all. Remember and continue on. I’m hoping this apology starts to make amends. Even though I have not heard it from him himself, I know how things have been perceived and words have been exchanged with others.
I don’t know what the future holds. Whether he and I will have another shot, or if that was it, I’m not the one to answer that question. Life is full of twists and turns. You never know where you’ll be swept off to. If Fate decides to give us another chance, I hope I have not ruined it.
Good luck to you, in all your endeavors. I only want the best for you. You know why? At one time in my life, you were my best friend. You never wish ill upon those you once held near and dear.