No, I’m not talking about the Oscars. That was so Tuesday morning. As pressing a matter as they are (hello! I now have at least 10 movies to watch in the next month!), bigger things have sailed onto my horizons.
Ever have those days where you can’t look yourself in the eye?
Up until a couple of hours ago, I wasn’t. I keep questioning myself in lots of areas of my life. This has all come about in a matter of hours. I knew something was off when I woke up this morning. The last couple I have woken up with such energy and fervor. Almost like last Thursday never happened. As if I never went to the doctor and had pieces of my inner tissues removed in a rather painful manner. The depression of the days that followed that doctor’s appointment…the veil had been lifted, and I could breathe easy again.
Nothing is going to happen to me. I’m in the best health I could be in. I’m starting to work out again for 2 hours, three days a week. I walk absolutely everywhere. My eating habits could use some improvement, but I can honestly say I’m not standing in line at Burger King every day attempting to try everything on the menu at least once. I’ve recently started playing tennis again, and combine that with an hour of Pilates/yoga/ non-stop dancing, my muscles haven’t felt like this in months. I love it. I’m active again, and I’m active with a sport that makes me grin from ear to ear. I keep pushing and pushing myself, and it’s only Day 2 of tennis play.
I have to keep reminding myself that many in this class have never touched a racquet before….and my first instinct is just to pound on them with each stroke I make. I’m even scoping out the ones that will be a challenge for me, and I’m learning their tics already. I should have warned everyone how competitive I can get. Even I can’t stand how competitive I get. I’m not as bad as Monica on Friends, but it’s a close comparison.
So, I got the phone call from the doctor this afternoon. My results are in. They found spots that aren’t looking too healthy. The flip side of the coin? The deepest portion of my nether regions turned up clean. So whatever I have, it hasn’t spread too deeply. The spots they did find, however, range from mild to moderate dysplasia. Mild level dysplasia will clear itself out. It’s something you have to monitor, but with a healthy body, it will work its way out of your system. Moderate level is a slightly different story. Moderate levels show I have abnormal precancerous cells developing in my body. So…what else is there to do but remove them? Yep, sections of my body will be removed yet again.
The bright side to this portion of the results? I don’t have a high level of dysplasia. High level usually means immediate treatment, and it’s a good chance the cancer has started to form. If my moderate levels are left unattended, this could be the result. But, we’re going to remove them, so I’m not letting my mind go there just yet.
The lower half of my body will be numbed, and according to the nurse I spoke to, the numbing is the worst part. Once I can’t feel anything, it’s a breeze. I am not allowed to do any exercising or strenuous activity for a couple of days afterward. Well, duh. You’re cutting off layers of my cervix, and whether people (other than women) realize this or not, simple things like walking is sometimes very painful when you’re hurting down there! Anyways, that’s the couple of days following the procedure. For 3-4 weeks after, I’m not allowed to insert or do anything that could affect that specific area of my body.
Using a tampon when Aunt Flow is in town? Not for the next month or two.
Sex? It’s out of the question for at least a month.
Thank God I’m not one of those people who have very strange piercings! (Another silver lining, mayhaps?)
Like any open wound, it’s going to bleed. What happens when you press a blade against someone’s flesh with enough force? You cut them. That’s what’s happening here. I can’t disturb that area of my body as it goes through its natural healing process. It’s going to scab, it’s going to be uncomfortable, and if I work myself too strenuously too soon, I could bleed for a while and not know it. Long story short….it wouldn’t be my period, and it wouldn’t be good news.
So, that’s my situation. I received the phone call only a couple of hours ago, and it’s still sinking in. Precancerous cells. A chance you could have cancer. Due to the prefix “pre”, it’s what comes before cancer.
This is why I’ve been avoiding my own gaze in the mirror for a large part of this early evening. What could I have done differently? I had talked to my mother about getting a Pap smear the summer I turned 21, as is recommended. But I didn’t. I either pushed it off because I didn’t want to burden my parents with another doctor’s bill, or I forgot to make the call. The reason I went to a gynecologist finally? I was still passing out from the extreme, painful cramping I’d experience when Aunt Flow was in town, and I passed out in the bathroom at the office I was interning at that summer. I went in to the doctor the next week.
But even then! That doctor recommended I get a Pap smear right then and there because I was 22 and had never been examined. I still said no. I’ll wait until I’m back at the Academy. I talked about it for 2 years before I finally made the appointment. The real reason I called and made the appointment? My birth control prescription was running out, and I needed it renewed.
The question I ask myself now. If I had not been such a dink about calling and making an appointment, would the doctors have caught this earlier? Would this even be an issue weighing on my mind right now? That was two Pap smears I could have had, and gotten ahead of this with. Now I’m facing precancerous cells. Precancerous. Ugh, I can’t handle the word.
Granted, this brings up different issues, too. I should have been more strict with my ex-boyfriend about wearing a condom when we slept together. I shouldn’t have taken “I can’t feel anything once it’s on” or “You’re on birth control, we’ll be fine” as legitimate excuses with him. When we broke up, I probably shouldn’t have been in such a hurry to forget about him and try to make myself move on right away. I may not have made the smartest choices so soon after a break-up. Of course, they seemed completely logical at the time! And no, I don’t regret them. They were decisions that made me who I am today, typing to you all about my sexual life 🙂
Now, there’s New Guy. How do I bring this up to him? I know he’ll be okay with it, but I still worry about his reaction. We’re very good about protection, but how do I know I haven’t spread something to him? Heck, I don’t even know if it can be passed on. Another reason maybe why I should stop having sex for a while….ha, right! (Just being honest, folks.)
Not sure how to tell my family without them freaking out about it. All my mom will hear is the word ‘cancer’, and she’ll be in a frantic state of mind. As will my newly pregnant oldest sister. Agh…this is very hard to even think about. I think hearing or seeing them cry is going to be enough to break me.
Another question comes to mind….if I had kept myself celibate, would I even be in this position?
I’ll never know.
This procedure is not going to be pleasant by any means. Nor will the slight recovery that’s going to follow it. The Human side of me wants to figure out the meaning behind all of this. Why me, why is this happening now, what is the lesson behind it, what will I learn out of this ordeal….I’m one of those people who feels everything happens for a reason. The choices we make determines how we get there, but we still have the freedom of the choice. Serendipity, I believe it is called.
The Jedi side of me says to let the anger, or sadness, or confusion come, then let it go. Move on. Deal with it as it comes at you. Looking into the future does no good. The future is always changing.
You may not have heard of her. I barely have. But the Lady Mary Wortley Montagu kept copious correspondence in the seventeenth century and it survives her.
“It is eleven years since I have seen my figure in a glass: the last reflection i saw there was so disagreeable, i resolved to spare myself such mortifications for the future, and shall continue that resolution to my life’s end.”
No woman should end up feeling that way. When I’m 75 years old, I hope to look in the mirror and see a beautiful face staring back at me, a face full of memories, laugh lines, wrinkles, and sun tan lines from my sunglasses. That’s on the top of my list of biggest pet peeves. Botox. Don’t change the way of nature’s course on your face. Faces are meant to crinkle, and pinch, and line itself. Laughing and crying are good things. They tell a story on your face. I have the highest respect for actresses like Meryl Streep who refuse to let anyone change the natural course of their face’s structure. Lines are embraced.
Not only do I want to look in the mirror and see something beautiful still there, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I want to still see a spark in my eye. One that says I’ve enjoyed everything I have done, good or bad. Back when I first stepped onto the dating scene officially…as in I wanted to really start a relationship with someone, I was done fooling around for fun with no attachements…I did find those first couple of relationships. One of them was going really well. Let’s call him Night Walker (because that was our thing….we went for long walks at the dead of night.) Well, a month or so into our relationship, another guy kissed me out of the blue, and I didn’t stop him. I, in fact, kissed him back. Then, there was my cute neighbor next door. When we both had a few too many drinks, you could almost guarantee one of us would text the other. One night is all that took…we fooled around, and I knew I had to end it with Night Walker. I ended it with Night Walker for several reasons. The kissing other guys bit may have only influenced my decision to end things more so.
They say if you cheat on your current bf/gf, there’s a reason. Something’s not working in the relationship. As hard is it may be to say out loud, it’s the truth. The Jedi are all about the truth.
Give me a day or two. I’ll be looking at myself in the mirror again without a doubt or question in my eyes. I’ve had those mornings….Look in the mirror…”I did what with who?” “No, I don’t remember that.” “Wow…that’s an unflattering picture.”
All of the above. Been there. Done that. Over it.
Smile at yourself in that mirror. In the end, you may be all that you’ve got.
Not for the Jedi…the Jedi always has the Force.
This entry was posted in Bad Girls Are Good, Fears, Movies, Oscar Buzz, The Jedi Way and tagged best health, burger king, couple hours, eating habits, fervor, inner tissues, last thursday, painful manner, playing tennis, precancerous, tennis play, ticks, tuesday morning.