They Prepare You For Nothing

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If the procedure only causes cramping immediatley after said-procedure is done with, why am I feeling pain and discomfort 3 days after the fact?

They probaly aggravated whatever is warring against itself inside my body, and now is taking it out on the host of the whole party. Mainly, me.

My fingers won't stop searching for answers...

I’m on the verge of breaking my rule again. I never allow myself to cry at work. However, my mother called and wanted to know the results of my latest doctor’s appointment, and while I was talking to her, I started to cry. I have no answers for anyone other than I’m still undergoing testing. I’m being checked for a variety of things, and none of them are good. I’ve been doing some reading on what it means to have a high grade level of white blood cells, and nothing I have read so far has caused my heart to stop pounding, my mind to stop racing, or my fingers to stop searching for my phone in case I missed the doctor’s call. I have no answer’s for anybody, least of all myself. Just hundreds of scenerios, and only about one of them turns out happily ever after.

Ugh, I know I promised you all a happier post than the last couple. It’s hard to shake something like this from your mind.

Yup. I passed out from having pieces of my flesh cut off me. Who knew?

They can prepare you for a lot of things in school. Wear sunscreen at all times, especially in the peak hours between 10:00 am – 2:00 pm. Don’t smoke unless you want your lungs to look like pulverized flank steaks. Use a condom, or you’ll end up with a bundle of joy you’re not ready to handle. When you’ve been drinking, do not get behind the wheel of any sort of vehicle. When a friend needs help, you offer a hand. No one prepares you for abnormal Pap smears. No one prepares you for being violated in the doctor’s office, all in the name of health. (Everything that happened in there was needed, and was for my benefit so we know what we’re dealing with….but man, I felt a little dirty afterwards….or maybe it was embarrassment from passing out and needing the doctor to grab me an apple juice.)

Bottom line, no one prepares you for it. Just like no one can prepare you for the death of a beloved pet or a loved one. I have lost 2 dogs and a goldfish that meant the world to me. Major was the first German Shepard I ever had growing up. What a tough, sweet-hearted dog. He would have ripped your leg off for me. Then, there was Titan, who we got shortly before I went away to the Academy. I was afraid when I went away, he wouldn’t remember me. I didn’t have to worry. The second I stepped out of my car on my first visit back home, he jumped all over me and wanted to play Shoe (literally, where we throw an old tennis shoe around the yard and he chases after it.) Both of these dogs earned a special place in my heart, despite the puppy love bites, angry love taps and occasional jumping on my car and scratching it beyond repair in excitement.

Miss you lots, Major and Titan

My goldfish is another story. He was more so a steady being in my life. I saved him from being flushed down the toliet alive when our old Wal-Mart in town was closing and moving into a bigger, newer facility. I bagged him up and took him home with me. He was a really beautiful silver color. Being on a Lord of the Rings kick at the time, I named him Bilbo. Bilbo didn’t have a fancy tank. My mom and I literally went out and bought a giant, glass flower vase, some pretty blue rocks for the bottom, fish food, clean bottled water for him to live in, and a net so I could catch him when his water needed changing. Every week, we changed his water. Now, I know he’s just a fish, but Bilbo knew when we were around and would swim around his bowl, watching us. His home was on top of the washing machine, so whenever my mom or I did laundry, there he was, following us back and forth. Back and forth. I’d talk to him every once in awhile. My first nephew even grew old enough to recognize that we had a fish and his name was Bilbo. The responsibility of cleaning his bowl came down to my mom when I left for the Academy. She’d update me on his life…one day while she was cleaning out his bowl, he jumped right out of the jar we housed him in temporarily while we washed his poop out of his actual home. She found him flopping around on the table…who knows for how long…and guess what? He lived for 3 more years after that.

Bilbo was an excellent listener.

Time has gone on. I haven’t had a fish since Bilbo, but we do have another dog. Her name is Jade, and she is quite a stinker. Again, I figured she would forget me the instant I left home. Nope. Came back 3 months later, and she greeted me by tackling me to the ground, then found her bone and wanted to play catch. Apparently, I’m a good one for dogs to tackle. It never ceases to fail.

The point is, no one can prepare you for getting attached to these wonderful creatures to only have them ripped from you at some point in time. Major, Titan and Bilbo have all since passed away into Pets Heaven…or whatever it is called. I’m sure dogs and fish live in harmony together somewhere in the abyss. They are both beings of the Force, after all.

No one can prepare you for getting your heart stepped on and broken. Be it with someone passing on, discovering you or a dear one have a serious illness, parents divorcing, or a great relationship ending. No one can prepare you for any of that. It’s in these moments you find out what kind of person you are. It totally sounds high and mighty, but its true.

You find strength in the times of darkness.

When all else fails, just cry.

Couple months ago, I was in shambles. (What am I saying? I’m back in that place. Ha!) My heart was broken, a relationship I thought was going places ended abruptly, and I was left feeling very, very alone and confused. Yeah, I had my nights of crying my eyeballs out, feeding my feelings with cookie dough ice cream, and Skype dates with my girlfriends who live far away from me to have bashing sessions. It all helped at the time, but when I watched The Notebook a few days later? Everything came rushing back. No one prepares you for that.

You learn how to cope eventually. I found writing was a great outlet for my frusterations (go figure, right?) Turning to reading helped me escape. As corny as I know this is going to sound, I turned to a greater force than myself. I’d quiet my mind and make an effort to pinpoint what exactly was bothering me in those moments. But, when the pangs of sadness or longing came calling, I let them happen. Angry words flew from my mouth when I had an awkward run-in with Damn Fool. Fevered passion ensued with a couple shots of tequilla and a good-looking guy were around, and showing interest. I’m not saying every decision I have made was an intelligent one. Not. at. ALL!

But no one prepares you for those idiotic moments you regret in the morning, either.

The cartoon creator, Cathy Lee Guisewite, gets at what I’m talking about here when she says:

She's the author behind the cartoon character "Cathy"

“The only men I really communicate with are the ones I’ll never speak to again.”

Ladies, think about it. Unless you have found The One, she’s on to something. The guys I once hooked up with, dated, and furthermore am no longer seeing? They are the ones who knew what I wanted, what I liked, what I don’t. They also know how to gauge me better on a regular basis, if we deal with each other on a regular basis anymore.

In it together

Like I’ve said, no one prepares you for that. The instant stop of communication with someone who is supposed to be your friend, your partner in crime. That’s what my last boyfriend and I were supposed to be…partners in crime. And we were, for a good 18 months, we really were.

The Jedi usually have the capability to see into the future. Well, not predict what’s going to happen, but have visions into what might be. The future is ever changing, but the Force sometimes gives us a heads up. I must not be too skilled with that aspect of the Force. Otherwise I probably wouldn’t be feeling this in the pits.

My family is forever there for me. That’s a no-brainer. At the same time, it’s these moments when I realize I don’t have that special someone who will hold my hand through all of this. Not because I want him to, but because he feels it’s his duty to. Protecting me in any way he can. To brush the hair off my face. Wipe my tears that have yet to cease to stop. To call and see how I’m holding up. Bring me soup because that’s what his mother always did when he was feeling crummy. Or ice cream. I’d take ice cream, too.

Just throw yourself over me, and guard me with everything you have!

I’m just down right depressing again, aren’t I?

Thank the Force for what you’ve got. The smallest seed is planted, and everything can change. Be safe out there. It’s a cruel universe.

I'll be there for you.

And say a nice word to your past lovers. They still might hold a soft spot for you. Deep down, unless they murdered your favorite kitten or brother, you still hold a place for them, too.

Just one more thing no one prepares you for.

The ultimate source for the Force

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