It’s the Breast!

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Given my recent evening spent with New Guy, it has brought an important topic to mind. When I walked into his apartment, we shared a kiss and gave the usual formalities. “Hi, how are you?” “How was the drive?” “How was work today?” “What would you like for dinner?”

I need one of these.

Not only is this the normal way to start a conversation, but I feel it was also partially due to the fact New Guy’s roommate was sacked out watching The Simpson’s on the couch when I walked through the door. I saw the way he tensed up when I started talking about how I hope to sleep with the Best Man at my sister’s wedding (Note: I was completely and utterly joking with this comment!)

Anyways, I brought my small bag upstairs and New Guy followed me up there. Wasn’t expecting that. As soon as he walks into his bedroom behind me, New Guy makes this particular comment after giving me a squeeze and we share a bit more of a personal conversation: “Have your boobs grown since the last time I’ve seen you? They look way bigger.”


This is exactly the moment that took place. Minus the boob job.

I haven’t seen you in 1.5 weeks, let alone talked to you beyond text message and IM  chatting, and that’s the observation you have for me? Have my boobs grown?

Let me be the first to say, I heart my girls. I show them lots of love. In fact, I have my very own nickname for them: the Twin Suns (of Tatooine, if you don’t get where I’m going here.) If you have never been to Victoria’s Secret, you are not treating your ta-ta’s with respect. It’s a little spendy, yes, but that’s only at first. Once you sign yourself up at the register, you constantly get coupons by email, by snail mail, and everywhere else. I am done advocating for Victoria’s Secret now.

My inspiration

I have been told I have a great pair by a large part of the male population. Now, by far, I don’t have the largest set in the world. I have the perfect size in fact. Not to big, not too small. Large enough to give me shape in any shirt I wear, be it a baggier t-shirt or a tight fitting sweater. V-necks are my best friend, and dress shopping is WAY too fun because I fill out each style quite nicely.

Best compliment I have probably received? When I starred in a production of “Stop Kiss” and wore nothing but a T-shirt on-stage. Just me and my plain gray T-shirt. It probably helped, too, that I also wore a deep plunging dress in another scene. Again, no time to throw on a bra…just me and the dress. After opening night, people gave me hugs and said “Wow, not only do you have nice legs…but damn, your chest is nice.” This came from more women than men on opening night. And no, I’m 99% sure they were not lesbians.

But seriously, I should be proud of my body. Au natural, baby. I’m glad guys appreciate them, but is it really all guys notice? New Guy has been caught numerous times looking down my shirt or at my chest versus what I’m talking about at that moment. Face facts: men’s brains are hard-wired for a wide variety of reasons to notice this specific area of the female body over any other.

You’re not loving yourself if you haven’t at least tried one from V.S.

The fascination with breasts, however, will forever be a mystery to me. Yes, as a woman, I have my breasts around 24/7. Everything a guys wishes to do to a pair, I do every day without a second glance. They’re just there. Yet, no matter how much a guy says he likes *you*, I have to feign trust in his words…because he probably likes *me* as long as my breast size doesn’t change. An ex-boyfriend of mine told me if I got breast cancer at any time in my life, he would break up with me (I do believe he was joking about this, but still. RUDE…and a bit of a jerk. Probably why we broke up.)

Love them. Cherish them. Save them.

One teaching of the of the Jedi is to accept where we are in the moment, and the things we cannot change. I cannot change the size of my chest…unless I lose a drastic amount of weight. However, I’m not doing that because I would turn anorexic if I dropped another 15 pounds. I cannot change the way the male brain functions. Women have been trying for years. Few have been successful. Hopefully, the men will reach a point in their lives where they realize they have to look a girl in the face and genuinely look her in the eye in order for us to fully respect them.

But that’s a gripe that been around since the Battle of the Sexes started.

If you see me, or any woman for that matter, admire her and her physical beauty. By all means, appreciate her and what the Force has bestowed upon her. I’m sure she’s proud of her body, too. Just treat her like a real human being, and not a pair of walking boobs with legs.

As a Jedi, I am taught to respect all shapes and forms of life. But I am not afraid to deliver a blow or three to your manly parts for being offensive or handsy. I will stand up for myself. Male race: you have been warned.

In the words of Pamela Anderson, an actress of advanced proportions: “My breasts have had a brilliant career. I’ve just come along for the ride.”

Guess where the fellas are going to look?

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