Let There Be Harmony Inside

I haven’t written in a while. I know, I know. Boo-hoo, cry me a river, build me a bridge and get over it, blah blah blah.

Who else would you think of when someone says ‘Cry Me a River’?

I hate that I’ve taken so much time away from this, but there were other things to focus my attention on. Plus, I adore my sleep. I do not adore waking up with bear breathe and out-of-this-world bed head. I tend to imagine myself falling asleep the way a model does, cute and all put together, every beauty product well at work on this body. The image remains in the morning, and the instant I look in the mirror, its shattered. Tiny broken pieces everywhere. Watch where you step! (And this is every single day of my life!)

BOOM! Goes the dynamite

That sounded very melodramatic, didn’t it?

Doesn’t matter, really. There isn’t a single person I’m waking up every day to try to impress. Except maybe myself. The most important person to impress, after all. I’m taking to heart the #1 lesson of Jedi dedication: There is no chaos, there is harmony.

No more will chaos reign!

What does this 3rd line of the Jedi Code mean? Personally, it means to stop warring with myself, to stop warring with others. I need to be at peace with myself before I can have true harmony in the world. One major part of my life where there was massive conflict? Looking for my soul mate (or at least a boyfriend for the time being.) After one too many heart breaks and painful metaphorical knife stabbings to the gut, I’m finally yelling it high and mighty:

ENOUGH!

“No matter how cute and sexy a guy is, there’s always some woman somewhere who is sick of him.”

Carol Henry, a romance writer, probably hasn’t met Ryan Gosling. How could anyone ever get sick of that lovely hunk of man?

Who were you passionate with, lady-love?

Not to be entirely tossed out. My eyes are still peeled for that lucky son-of-a-gun who one day I will call mine, and come home to every single night. Until that day, I live my romances through movies and fiction, the stories that keep our hearts full and wishful. I’ll hold on to the romance I know is waiting out there, but until then, my energy and efforts are going to be put towards making me a happy individual, and to helping others.

There is no turning back.

So, to quell the romantic beatings of my heart, I want to share the best heart-melting moments of my second all-time favorite romance tale of all: The Notebook.

- “What happens if a car comes?” “We die.”

- “You’re a terrible singer…But I like this song.”

- They didn’t agree on much, but in spite of their differences, they had one important thing in common: They were crazy about each other.

- “She is out foolin’ around. I didn’t spend seventeen years of my life raising a daughter and giving her EVERYTHING , so she could throw it away on a summer romance.”

- “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

- “You look different, too. In a good way.”

- “You wrote me?” “Yes! It wasn’t over. It still isn’t over.”

- “You got my letters. Finally. What are you going to do, Al?”

- “It’s about security. He’s got a lot of money!”

- “They fell in love, didn’t they?” “Yes, they did.”

Seriously. What’s not to love about that entire story? Not a damn thing. Every time I watch it, I pray to the higher powers watching over this earth, and over me, that I will be blessed with a romance as passionate as Allie and Noah’s. Love isn’t worth having if it isn’t a passionate affair with one another. All my fave love stories have it: Titanic, The Notebook, Pirates of the Caribbean, Star Wars.

See, they had passion? Why can’t I have that?

The dream I had last night doesn’t help matters any, either.

Nothing Like a Blanket of Fog

One of those “off” days.

See, the difference here is my day was special. This? This is just a terrible no good day.

Nothing was done out of the ordinary. I got up when my alarm rang, I took a shower, I did my hair and managed to put on clothes that matched in a decent manner. I brushed my teeth, I packed my lunch. Threw my notebooks in my oversized bag, grabbed my tennis racquet and my gym shoes and out the door I went. I had no coffee or real breakfast to speak of, just my usual granola bar and fruit strip to give me enough energy to make it through my dance and tennis classes.

No joke. No additions. No lie. This is what the tree in our apartment "yard" looked like covered with the morning fog.

Maybe it was the fog. Walking through the cloudy mist really gets to me….trying to pull onto the road and then suddenly, out of nowhere, comes a vehicle out of the mist. It’s really pretty watching it all unfold. In a very terrifying way, if you think about it too much.

Went through the course of my day with no real issues. Remembering I have a press release to write. Another column to put together. All normal things for me to be doing…and then I get to modern class. I figured I would be struggling with this current routine we’re learning, but today…I just feel like I nailed it. We went on to learn new sections of the piece, we increased the tempo, I figured out the foot steps to a part I was having difficulty with…everything just clicked. I was literally bouncing to the beat every time our music came on. Even our warm-up routines felt magical compared to others.

Feel the rhythm. Feel the rhyme.

There is simply something about these past 24 hours that have held a specialness to them.

Want to know why I feel this way? The real reason why? I knew something was going to happen along these lines, and now I’m done trailing you on. New Guy texted me. Out of nowhere. No “hello” or “how are you?” Just a comment about how he feels he’s a huge dork because he was watching A Goofy Movie. Really? After a month of silence and you dropping the ball on us really being over by cutting off all communication, that’s all you have to say?

I call foul on your lame break-up excuse!

I’m ready to say it: I’m okay that we, New Guy and I, ended. I think I’m okay with my decision to let things play out without my interference from me.

Hearing him say that just really made me want to pop in the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies and have a geekdom fest of my own. There is nothing wrong with having an inner geek. Okay, so some of us let it shine through our clothes more than others, but still? That’s what makes us a unique race full of vibrant and different people.

Do you remember the Ninja Rock? I sure do!

Really, though, when I saw the text was from New Guy, I wanted a picture of him pinned in front of me so I could throw sharpened pencils at his face. The nerve….I’m sorry, maybe I don’t have a right to be mad at him. If you know you aren’t interested in a girl, but you see her flirting with your friend, its plain mean to lead her on to think you want a real relationship with her. So telling her that the two of you are officially back on when you part ways for the night….and then never calling, texting, replying to her messages and when she does finally get a hold of you, it’s pretty clear things aren’t progressing the way they should. “Back on” is actually a tactic to keep the girl you called hot all night long away from your best friend and his winning flirtatious smile.

If this is how I need to roll...

This might make me a mean person, but next time I’m in the same room as both of them, I am so working the room with his best friend. Even if that means taking the friend into the back alley and showing him a move or two…just seeing the two of us leave the room together will be enough to get his blood boiling. Even though we dated for only a few months, I know what gets his gears grnding…and girls he finds attractive having more luck

with his friend than him really does the trick.

I’m not just good-looks here. I have a brain or two.

Come here, boy. Let me show you a move or two.

“I do not write about nice people. I am not nice people.”

Oh, my inner bitch keeps coming out more and more with every passing day, Dorothy Allison, an autobiographical author.

It's better to speak your mind than be judged for the things you don't say.

This makes me want to get out there in the journalism world and write an amazing, world-rocking expose on the filthy lives of men reaching their 30s and how they believe they deserve it all without anybody questioning their motives. Yes, there is a simpler word of it: Bachelors.

These are the type of men who will always wonder why they are single…but everyone looking from the outside in would be able to tell them in a heartbeat. They’re shallow, bull-headed, surface-wading, disrespecting juveniles in a growing man’s body.

Oh, I’m sorry. Does the truth sting? Yeah, so does being trailed long like a little puppet on a string. Just….frustrating. I may have reached a point in my life where men are always going to be simply put, frusterating!

I’m no one’s puppet. Let that be a lesson to you.

This ain't no ordinary angel.

I may not be the angel of anyone’s eyes. I may never be the angel of anyone’s eye. I may not be nice enough…and it’s all because I have this little thing called an ‘opinion.’

As Qui-Gin Jinn did say, “The life of a Jedi is not an easy one. It’s a hard life.”

What a badass.

Bring it on. I’m ready to learn.