I must apologize.
I have not been up-to-date on anything. As you have probably noticed, I haven’t written in a while and I haven’t written consistently when I manage to sit down with a keyboard and get things out on the screen. You probably don’t care as much, but I care a whole lot. I’ve recently let it sink in that I’m a perfectionist. I’m ony of those people who ahs to be “on” all the time. Mediocre is not something I associate myself with. It’s always top-notch quality or go home. I never do anything poorly, and if I feel like I am, I revamp my thinking.
It’s what we creative types do.
It’s been a little more difficult as of late. Things on the professional front have been very, very busy. My personal life? Well, what exists of it has been exciting, but it’s not much. Do not think I’m kidding when I say nothing exciting is happening. Romantically? Eh. Nothing worth noting. Professionally? Up to my nose in projects and frustrations, but I’m really loving every minute of it. Personally? My head is about ready to implode on itself, and my heart is taking all that it can without ripping apart by its heartstrings (no pun intended.)
The universe is either playing a very cruel joke on me, or it’s trying to give me a blatant nudge in a certain direction. My heart literally cannot take anymore of this torment, and my head needs to stop thinking about the ‘what ifs’ of life. Have you ever played the game of ‘If this moment in my life had been different, how might my entire future have changed?’ Yeah, it’s not so much fun playing at 2 in the morning when you have to be up at 5. I like my sleep, especially after 2 weeks of 2-a-day workouts. (To occupy my mind with physical anguish. That is what I’m doing with myself. Ugh.)
I will say it’s nice to feel a nice soreness throughout my biceps these past couple of days, despite all the grumblings. I like looking down at my arms and seeing a small bulge of muscle. It especially makes me feel good when my sister walks into the bathroom while I’m brushing my teeth, she sees my flexed arm and exclaims, “Holy God what have you been doing?”
“I’m a secretary. On a good day, I type ninety-five words a minute. On a bad day, I show up drunk in my pajamas.”
The punchline pro, Mary Beth Cowan, ties up all of my feelings in one short, sweet sentence. Of the past 2 weeks of my life, anyways. I literally cannot keep anything straight.
I wish my excuse was I’m showing up to work drunk. Why? It’s be an easier explanation as to why I’m locking myself out of my office on a daily basis, why I’m found just staring off into oblivion when I should be posting things to my company’s blog, or why I break down crying in the middle of Target because of a couple holding hands too adorably passed by me in the Star Wars toy aisle. (You think I’m kidding. HA! I wish I was. Really, I do.)
Emotions are an ugly, ugly thing and there are many days where I want to flip a switch and it would turn off. For good. Done. Over with. Done-zo! Alas, it will not be so. Good thing I’ve discovered tea, and in heavy doses (possibly mixed with a little bit of antihistamine…so I get drowsy and fall to sleep a little faster than usual.) Sleep is a precious thing.
On top of my mental and emotional anguish these days, I’m over my head in wedding day preparations. OH MY GOD THE WEDDING IS NEXT WEEK. There, I said it. It’s out there, and I can freak out about it some more tomorrow. seriously, though. Holy Shit the wedding is next weekend. Amazing how fast 10 months flies by, and I’m not even the bride of this wedding! I’m the Maid of Honor…a very important job, to be sure, but still. How my sister is keeping it all together so calmly is beyond me. I guess I shouldn’t talk though. Every time I’m asked how my projects are coming along, I simply smile and say, “They’ll get done. No worries.”
Or I kick her out of my room and yell at the bride to stop micromanaging me. I may have been a more than a little irritable that day.
Anyways, good thing I’ve taken a lot of Jedi lessons to heart. not just when it comes to physical road blocks, like working out and I feel like my legs are about to give out if I do one more lunge. Seriously, if you want a good motivation, just keep repeating to yourself, “Jedi Never Quit”, and you’ll be running that extra mile in no time. I’m serious. Try it if you don’t believe me. But the Jedi mentality has also allowed me to take a deep breath when things don’t always go as planned (like with this video…KNOCK ON WOOD before something terrible happens.) I’m going to get everything accomplished and with time to spare. I swear by it. I may only get to be Maid of Honor once in my lifetime, and I’m going to do it right.
That is my Jedi oath…at least for the next 2 weeks