Thanksgiving Wrap-Up: Why, Oh Why, Did You Have to End?

How was your Thanksgiving?

Ahhh nom nom nom!

Mine was awesomely fantastic, and I really want to go back and relive the long weekend. It’s so heartbreaking not knowing the next time I might see my entire family all together in one single place again. It will happen, there’s no doubt about that, but as to when? It’s a major mystery to be sure.

Until we meet again!

Instead of dwelling on what may not come, I shall recap the highlights of the glorious weekend:

Thursday: Woken up by a 6-year-old boy jumping on me screaming “Happy Thanksgiving!”. Changing into my newest purple sweater (Thanksgiving is always a sweater holiday). Playing Mario Cart with my nephew until lunch was ready. The BIG Thanksgiving feast of turkey, stuffing and mashed potatoes. Falling into a food coma. Exchanging family Christmas presents (I got a new pair of pjs and a gift card.) Played more Mario Cart, and then fell into a very deep sleep.

She’s wearing my sweater. Damn her.

Mario Cart races alllll daaaaay looooong.

Who hates getting and giving presents? I don’t know anyone.

Friday: Coffee with my girls at the breakfast table. My niece Lizzie fell down and bonked her head pretty good, and started to cry from a combination of pain and tiredness, and when I picked her up, she promptly fell asleep on my shoulder (I heart little baby cuddles!) Pizza for dessert and a Wii dance party (Note to others…It’s a good idea to wear a bra when playing this game.)

Except it was around our kitchen tables, not a posh cafe bar.

Except we’re humans…not cats.

Bust a move, or bust a hip.

Saturday: My morning to cook breakfast for 14 people. Total success! My nephew Avery actually complimented my scrambled eggs and he never, ever eats eggs. We exchanged knucks. Played a few board games with my family. Drank our holiday slushie while eating tacos for dinner. Wrote my latest guest blog. Chased my nephew Aidan and spooked him after his idea of “hiding” was laying on the floor behind Lizzie’s new pink Princess Shopping Cart. Watched my godson Domanick for my brother and laughed until I cried when he pulled apart a toy potato (held together my velcro) and then growled like a bear after he succeeded.

No easy feat, but I pulled it off with style.

Likewise!

Sunday: Early morning coffee with the girls again. Took care of my 2nd godson and instead of getting upset with me, he simply fell asleep in my arms. For an hour, and it was wonderful. Ate a huge breakfast. Went upstairs and packed up all my bags, made my bed, and started the tearful goodbyes. (No one ever thought I would be the blubber of the family, but guess what? I am.) Slipped Josh Groban’s Noel into the car CD player. Drove through numerous snow flurries. Made it back in time to unpack, watch a movie or two, and fall asleep to end the weekend.

How do I leave with more than with I came?

Just as painful as saying good-bye to the love of your life.

He knows how to make my heart melt.

Can I do it all over again? Puh-leeeze?

“Human beings are sloshing sacks of chemicals on the move.”

Diane Ackerman, a noted naturalist, sure knows how to make a girl feel good about herself. Especially one who is already a big ball of tears every time something upsets or moves her in a new way. I hate to admit it, but I cry more often than not. I don’t think there is a movie out there that I haven’t cried at.

I hope she realizes she has to include herself with this statement.

Ah, yes, it is my curse to bear. I’ll live with it.

The Start to the Holiday Season with a Red Dawn

Literally cannot concentrate on any one thing for more than 5 seconds right now.

No, I don’t have ADHD. Okay, so I might a little bit, but I’m not on medication or anything so clearly I am not one of these so-called “short attention span” victims. Ugh, my heart is literally racing right now. What’s the deal? And now *just like that* I am sweating profusely. What is up with me right now?

I may be having a caffeine attack…except I had milk for lunch. Hmmm lack of caffeine possibly? I had a smoothie for breakfast, a cereal bar to hold me over until lunch, and then for lunch I had a turkey sandwich…and I haven’t had anything since. A mint. I had a mint. Those are like .00006 % caffeine. So what is going on here?

So THIS is the reason people lose weight…Yeah, I’m not having it.

I realize I should put the forewarning out there again that I will not be writing for a few days. I’ll be heading back home for the quickly approaching holiday of Thanksgiving, and will be out with no laptop around me. Honestly? I’m looking forward to being able to plop down with a book and a handful of magazines, and then maybe get some writing done at the same time. While I miss having a laptop, and hopefully will have a new one soon, I don’t mind the disconnection from the internet 24/7. I like being able to break away, and I fear once I own a laptop again, I won’t be able to break myself away from it long enough to acknowledge that I live in the real world. Isn’t that a scary thought?

Zomg! If only!

These racing emotions might be due to the fact that I have a last-minute date which was prompted from a message of ‘I have to see you before you head out for Thanksgiving.’

Doesn’t this make a thought or two race across your mind? Why ‘must’ he see me? I know we’ve hit off on the last few dates we’ve been on, but I didn’t think it warranted we were on a ‘must’ see each other basis before heading out for the holiday break. Maybe we’re not on the same page? I should bring that up tonight…HA! No I shouldn’t. We’ve been on a handful of dates, and I was honestly settled with the idea of not seeing him until next week sometime…but now this changes things a little bit. Not dramatically, but it changes things.

We’ve had our fair share of dinners. So what now?

Either that, or he’s looking for a way into my pants. Not going to happen, broski. (Yes, I did just use the word broski.)

“In adult life I  discovered that November was, astrologically speaking, the month of sex, death, and regeneration, and that November First was the Day of the Dead. It still wouldn’t have been much good for birthday parties, but it was just fine for poetry, which tends to revolve a good deal around sex and death, with regeneration possible.”

I like the way you think, Margaret Atwood, a Canadian literary sensation. The dream I had last night? Totally falls underneath the columns of Death and Regeneration. Maybe a little sex…eh, not really. There were flames, but not of the heart and loins.

You weren’t a very happy child born in the month of November, were you?

“I’m walking across a prestigious looking college campus (Think Yale or Harvard) and there’s a small group of people following behind me. We’re decked out in black attire, my hair is loose around my face, and there’s something clanking against my leg every time I take a step. I look down and I’m carrying a rather large rifle in my hands (WTF? is my first though immediately. Seriously, what am I doing with a giant rifle in my hands?)We’re not trying to conceal ourselves, we’re not hiding, but we are walking with purpose.

We were decked out like this, except in all black. Fearsome, right?

One of my teammates turns to me, and says, “Oh, hey. I meant to return this to you earlier.” He hands me a silver spoon with a blue handle. (This is the SAME EXACT spoon I’ve been carrying around in my work bag for the past couple weeks because I keep forgetting to return it to the work space kitchen. Weird…) I thank him, when suddenly a siren goes off. Oh my God, it’s happening. The negotiations or whatever didn’t go well, someone shouts behind me, and suddenly we’re running like I’ve never ran before. The rooftop lines erupt with gunfire from people I had not noticed, and my black-clad brethren and I are breaking for a stone wall a couple hundred yards in front of us. Somehow, I know this is the safe zone from what is coming. (How I know what’s coming, I have no freaking clue…My subconsious is really, really smart sometimes.)

He distracted me with a freaking spoon! I wonder what this might mean to Freud.

The ground shakes underneath my feet, and I fall to the ground. Looking over my shoulder, I see a bright whitish-yellow mushroom cloud burst upwards into the dark night sky, and my heart drops as I realize I have not only fallen behind everyone in my team, but I’m not even close to the “safe” wall and if I don’t make a move now, I’m probably going to die. There’s a whitish-yellow wall of hot smoke rushing towards me, and instead of running forward, I turn and run for a cobblestone veranda hut off to my left. Instead of running full-out, my body suddenly feels like frozen rubber and it takes immense effort to put one leg in front of the other at a running pace. (Picture this…If you’ve seen either of the Sherlock Holmes movies starring Robert Downey, Jr. and Jude Law, it’s like the effect of the fight scenes and when they’re running through the woods amongst machine gun fire. Suuuuuper slow and you can see every single muscle ripple beneath the skin, the air blowing the hair from my face, the fabric of my shirt creasing against my body…all of it in Hi-Def and slow-mo.)

But…I’m noooooot….getting…aaaaaanyhweeeeere!

Every little wiggle…you saw it perfectly.

Somehow, I make inside the hut and leap for my life behind the cobble-stoned wall, and I hit the ground hard. The blast erupts over the top of me as I curl into the fetal position and hug the wall as tightly as my body will allow. It’s hot and I can feel the wind against my ears. It hurts, and all I can think is “I’m dead, I’m dead, I’m dead.” (The whitish-yellow light was really beautiful, if you can throw that thought in there, too.)

Pretty bright lights…of death.

It grows quiet very quickly. Carefully, I stand up. No one shoots at me, no one fires. Or breathes. Or moves. It’s eerily quiet. All I see if blackness and charred stone from the building that barely stands before me. I hadn’t noticed, but chunks of cobblestone lay around me, blackened and broken. No longer the proud maroons and greys it once was a mere few seconds ago. I look behind me and see the “safe” wall still stands, but no one has emerged from behind it yet. (Pulling into he parking lot at work this morning? Same eeriness and it creeped me out!)

What now?

I adjust my hat, look around me again, but still don’t see a living being. I walk the short distance to where I dropped my rifle prior to the blast, pick it up, and cock it once. Somehow, it still works just fine despite sitting in the direct blast path. I take one deep breath, raise the rifle to my shoulder, and walk towards the “safe” wall.”

Time to find out…

I may have watched the Red Dawn trailer starring Chris Hemsworth a little too much last night. Dark, and very, very creepy when I got out of my car and there was NOTHING to be heard around me except for my own breathing. Then, we had an emergency evacuation test run this morning in the office, and that did not help my mindset. Not after a dream like that.

I may or may not have just called him Delicious.

It’s not going to be so dark anymore because Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and I’m going to be with my family. So enjoy the start to the holiday season, and enjoy the crap out of your families. I don’t get to see them hardly enough, and the food! I’m drooling already. Be safe in your travels, and I shall see you around, my fellow Jedi.

Bring it on, stomachache!

Until I return…May the Force be with you!

Let the World Hear You Laugh

Oh, the weather outside is frightful, but my dear it’s so delightful…

Brrrr baby!

But, really, when you wake up in the morning to find your car covered in snow and then your engine won’t start because your battery is totally and completely dead. Do you know how much I hate Mondays? To the point where I want to work so much overtime that I want to take every single Monday off for the rest of my life…that way, when Monday rears its ugly ass head, I can burrow myself right back under my covers and do my best to not get in Mondays way.

Please Monday, go away.

Ugh, so that’s another $140 down the drain. It was bound to happen, I know. But UGH! That money should have gone towards Christmas presents or something. Then, I’m so worried about getting my car fixed and running so I’m not relying on anybody to get my car up and going in the morning, I didn’t get myself to the gym like I should have. Bah, I’m a terrible person and I’m treating my body like crap.

Well, something this good can’t be all that bad, can it?

New goal? Looking totally svelte by the holiday season despite all the raging calories that no doubt will be screaming my name. Cheesy vegetable hot dish….mashed potatoes and stuffing…pumpkin pie…endless glasses of champagne…at least a dozen different Christmas cookies to taste and savor.

I totally had, like, five servings

I’m drooling just thinking about it, and it’s only 1.5 weeks away! I know everybody says Thanksgiving isn’t a real holiday, but I call that a load of crap. A holiday should be spent with family and cherishing those you love. That’s exactly what I do. I love spending every single moment with my crazy, out their minds, family…but I’m exactly that. Out of my mind and crazy.

Do you ever think of yourself as bipolar?

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Your face tells a story — and it shouldn’t be a story about your drive to the doctor’s office.”

Lovely, lovely words from Julia Roberts, quite a beautiful woman without Botox.

She lets it all out all the time, and I love her for it!

It’s one main reason why I love everything about my family. They make me laugh and giggle all the time, and because of that, there is a certainty that I’m going to have laugh lines. I want laugh lines. Laugh lines show a life lived. I think Meryl Streep said that.

Utterly amazing at all times.

Laughing is one of my all-time favorite workouts. I especially love it when I laugh so hard that I cry, can’t breathe, and I try to explain why I’m laughing so hard but all that comes out are harder puffs of giggles and more breathlessness.

Except I wheeze each and every word out of my throat.

That’s probably a good indication that I’m crazy. Anyways, this is going to be one heck of a short one. It’s blowing a hard, cold wind outside and I just don’t like it. The hot chocolate in the kitchen is calling my name (and so might be the bottle of Bailey’s). I have a new TV set-up happening in my room, so I may have to cuddle up under my blankets with the tried-and-true classic Titanic, and possibly shed a tear or two over how utterly miserable my love life is.

In my Top 10 fave movie moments of all time

Yes, I’m still mooning about my love life. Once a hopeless romantic, always a hopeless romantic. It’s really hard to shut down that part of you once it’s festered for 20+ years of your life.

Be who you are, and make the world laugh along in your joy.

Cuz, baby, you were born this way.

I like to think my mission in life is to bring a light into others lives. By making them laugh, or telling them a funny story, or simply being there when they a break from their misery. I like making people laugh. Maybe that’s why I’m such a goofball.

But I’m a cute one!

It would explain a lot.

Falling Hard on this Couch

Noon. That was the time I rose and shined. It’s been a long time since I have slept in that late. To be fair, I did wake up at 6:30 and 7:00 before I actually crawled back under the covers and say ‘Screw You!’ to the early morning fogginess. Seriously, it’s sort of disgusting out…and I told myself I was going to hit up the gym some time today. Well, the day is young.

All comfy in my comforter and I just don’t want to get out to it. Ever.

Yet here I sit in my pajamas eating TGIFridays Potato Skins: Cheddar and Bacon flavored. Two words: Rough Night. In more ways than one. It further proves to me why I’m a terrible person. I really am, but deep inside, I’m okay with that. At least I think I am. That, or I have a burning desire to see how many people will buy be drinks before they decide to throw them in my face. Girlish tendency? Perhaps.

I must try this fun stuff.

“When you jump up the earth wants you back.”

Okay, Jenny Lewis, singer and songwriter. If you say so.

She looks like a sly elven princess in training.

But every once in a while, I wish I could jump up and I could simply float away, find a new landing ground, a new landscape, a new place to belong. I guess that’s why nomads broke all the rules back in the day…they didn’t want to belong to anything or any place other than themselves.

Pack your bags, kiddos.

Plus I slept in my new favorite Bulldogs hoodie last night, and now I don’t want to take it off. I think I might slap a ‘Emotional Recovery’ stamp on this afternoon. Sad, yes, but I’m feeling pretty low for multiple reasons.

All I need is a box of tissues and a sob-worthy chick flick.

However, there is one way to turn a frown upside down with me, and that is with my Fabulous Friday. Here is what made my Friday extra Fabulous this time around:

Fabulous Season:

I’m hanging on to this sight when the snow starts to fall.

Fabulous Cookie Recipe:

It might not be a recipe, but look at how awesome these cookies look!

Fabulous Spooky Make-Up:

Sort of spooky, but sort of beautiful at the same time.

Fabulous Fall Treat:

How delicious do these sound? Starbucks Frappucinno Cupcakes.

Fabulous Breakfast:

Use Christmas cookie cutters to pour pancake batter into them for awesome-shaped pancakes.

Fabulous Post-Wedding Moment:

First private alone-time kiss right after the ceremony? Hot.

Fabulous Wedding Accessory:

How cute are these for the groom the day of the wedding?

Fabulous Bathroom Organizer:

A simple shelf can now hold all those lady hair products that clog up counter space. Amazing.

Fabulous Smile:

“I feel like if Mockingjay is split into two movies, they’ll end the first one at Katniss and Peeta’s reunion. Like it’ll show him wring her neck and Boggs punch him and then boom credits and we’re all just sitting there like this.” – Emma Stone on Hunger Games.

Fabulous Halloween Decorations:

So simple. Put a light inside a plastic milk jug and draw a face on it.

Fabulous Kitten Action:

Kung-Fu Kittens! Hi-YA!

Fabulous English Lesson:

Fabulous Elf Trick:

Tape up your child’s bedroom door so they have to fight their way out in the morning, and tell them Santa did it so they wouldn’t sneak out in the middle of the night to get their presents.

Fabulous Tan Line:

Secret agent gun placeholder.

Fabulous Bedroom:

Who wouldn’t want to sleep in a horse-drawn carriage?

I seriously need a bowl of soup with a Gatorade or something along those lines. I’m just not having a good day here. However, there is a gigantic tub of ice cream in my freezer. I bought that ice cream before the wedding, convincing my sister I was allowed a bowl every night if I wanted. It was slow-churned frozen yogurt, after all. You know what? I didn’t even touch the stuff.

This is heaven in a martini bowl.

Granted, I also abandoned by entire workout regime that same week, but I also stuck to fruits and veggies a whole lot more…and more chicken strips I probably should have consumed, but hey! I looked great, the bride looked great, and I didn’t falter on a single note of either song or reading. Damn good prep on my part.

Belting it!

But now I’m going to lie in self-pity on the couch, and pray those ambulance sirens aren’t carting off anyone I know to a local mortuary because there have been a lot of them in the last 12 hours.

I don’t even know how our doctors rate around here when its an emergency.

May the Force be with them this afternoon.

The Wedding Weekend is Finally Here!!!

It’s my 200th post, and it comes with a fair warning: I shall be MIA again for a stretch of days here, and for good reason.

The long-awaited wedding day is almost finally upon us, and I shall be packing up my car with all the wedding goodies I have crafted, collected and bought over the past 10 months. The sweat, the tears, the blood, the giggles, the hot-glued fingers, the technological head poundings…it’s all been worth it. The dieting and crazy exercising (which I have failed to do in the last week because of how busy I have been with wedding plans…how ironic is that?) not such a big deal now.

All the work, and look at how pretty is all fits together!

I can’t believe it…The wedding is finally HERE! So, I’ll be hitting the highway tonight where I will have access to a hot glue gun and I’ll be finishing the card box. It look so elegant with its black base and sangria colored ribbons. Add on a few sparkling gems and pearls, and a couple of corner bows and it’s going to be beautiful. I’m very proud of my crafters’ work with this card box.

I could really use a sangria right about now. Calm my nerves down.

Friday  morning will see us at the reception hall decorating for the Big Day. Then, we have the grand march rehearsal, and I need to warm my voice up immensely. It’ll be the first time the music and I have actually done this together.  Then, the rehearsal dinner where we all laugh and embrace the fact that my sister will no longer be a single lady in society.

To being the mere single one in my family. Huzz-ah!

It is the night I embrace the fact I am the last woman in my family to carry on the original female last name for our family. It’s a great burden to bear, but I think I can handle it well.

We shall not stay up too late on Friday as we have hair appointments bright and early on Saturday! Don’t forget to back the button down shirts, ladies. No pulling a shirt up and over that professionally done hair-do. Then, make-up and nails, and off to the church to get dressed. The dresses are one-shouldered and absolutely gorgeous. I have such an hourglass figure, it’s insane.

I wish I had enough hair to do this.

The remaining time will be spent praying I don’t trip as I walk up the aisle, and I remember all my cues. Plus, I need to make sure that my handwriting is legible…I had a marriage certificate to sign

“If you survive long enough, you’re revered — rather like an old building.”

Well, I hope my awesomeness at being Maid of Honor is what survives for years to come. The no-nonsense icon, Katherine Hepburn, is someone I won’t be forgetting any time soon. She made those pantsuits look damn good in a time when I woman was supposed to be feminine and flowy in her skirts.

Feel her power radiate off the screen.

While I do love my skirts and dresses, I also have a fondness for pants. There are days where a power suit is absolutely needed.

Screams respect, that’s all I’m saying.

Anyways, I do need to get going. I’m not entirely done packing for what is bound to be a whirlwind of a weekend, but I am more than pumped for it! My entire family, my best friend, dancing, pretty dresses and girlish indulgences.

If this happens, I wouldn’t be objective to it.

A wedding is meant to be a once in a lifetime experience. If my sister is only getting married once, I’m going to party like it’s the last night I’m alive.

Only once.

Watch out Dance Floor! This Jedi is coming to liven up the night!

The moves are coming out!

But before I do that, I should probably write that Maid of Honor speech

It’s all in my noggin…now to get it on paper.

The Wedding Crunch Begins!

I must apologize.

…I did it again.

I have not been up-to-date on anything. As you have probably noticed, I haven’t written in a while and I haven’t written consistently when I manage to sit down with a keyboard and get things out on the screen. You probably don’t care as much, but I care a whole lot. I’ve recently let it sink in that I’m a perfectionist. I’m ony of those people who ahs to be “on” all the time. Mediocre is not something I associate myself with. It’s always top-notch quality or go home. I never do anything poorly, and if I feel like I am, I revamp my thinking.

Splash it around, make a mess, and get back to it.

It’s what we creative types do.

It’s been a little more difficult as of late. Things on the professional front have been very, very busy. My personal life? Well, what exists of it has been exciting, but it’s not much. Do not think I’m kidding when I say nothing exciting is happening. Romantically? Eh. Nothing worth noting. Professionally? Up to  my nose in projects and frustrations, but I’m really loving every minute of it. Personally? My head is about ready to implode on itself, and my heart is taking all that it can without ripping apart by its heartstrings (no pun intended.)

i literally feel like I’ve been left behind at the dining table a hundred and one times this past month.

The universe is either playing a very cruel joke on me, or it’s trying to give me a blatant nudge in a certain direction. My heart literally cannot take anymore of this torment, and my head needs to stop thinking about the ‘what ifs’ of life. Have you ever played the game of ‘If this moment in my life had been different, how might my entire future have changed?’ Yeah, it’s not so much fun playing at 2 in the morning when you have to be up at 5. I like my sleep, especially after 2 weeks of 2-a-day workouts. (To occupy my mind with physical anguish. That is what I’m doing with myself. Ugh.)

Take it like a woman (except I’m red and puffy while attempting to do push-ups.)

I will say it’s nice to feel a nice soreness throughout my biceps these past couple of days, despite all the grumblings. I like looking down at my arms and seeing a small bulge of muscle. It especially makes me feel good when my sister walks into the bathroom while I’m brushing my teeth, she sees my flexed arm and exclaims, “Holy God what have you  been doing?”

“I’m a secretary. On a good day, I type ninety-five words a minute. On a bad day, I show up drunk in my pajamas.”

The punchline pro, Mary Beth Cowan, ties up all of my feelings in one short, sweet sentence. Of the past 2 weeks of my life, anyways. I literally cannot keep anything straight.

So this looks like a good day for you.

I wish my excuse was I’m showing up to work drunk. Why? It’s be an easier explanation as to why I’m locking myself out of my office on a daily basis, why I’m found just staring off into oblivion when I should be posting things to my company’s blog, or why I break down crying in the middle of Target because of a couple holding hands too adorably passed by me in the Star Wars toy aisle. (You think I’m kidding. HA! I wish I was. Really, I do.)

I can barely look at this picture right now, it hurts that much.

Emotions are an ugly, ugly thing and there are many days where I want to flip a switch and it would turn off. For good. Done. Over with. Done-zo! Alas, it will not be so. Good thing I’ve discovered tea, and in heavy doses (possibly mixed with a little bit of antihistamine…so I get drowsy and fall to sleep a little faster than usual.) Sleep is a precious thing.

Oh, I could go for a white raspberry brew right now.

On top of my mental and emotional anguish these days, I’m over my head in wedding day preparations. OH MY GOD THE WEDDING IS NEXT WEEK. There, I said it. It’s out there, and I can freak out about it some more tomorrow. seriously, though. Holy Shit the wedding is next weekend. Amazing how fast 10 months flies by, and I’m not even the bride of this wedding! I’m the Maid of Honor…a very important job, to be sure, but still. How my sister is keeping it all together so calmly is beyond me. I guess I shouldn’t talk though. Every time I’m asked how my projects are coming along, I simply smile and say, “They’ll get done. No worries.”

Soon, we’ll be giggling the morning of the big day. UNREAL!

Or I kick her out of my room and yell at the bride to stop micromanaging me. I may have been a more than a little irritable that day.

Take all my evil feelings, emotional anguish and distress, and this is what you get when you mix them all together.

Anyways, good thing I’ve taken a lot of Jedi lessons to heart. not just when it comes to physical road blocks, like working out and I feel like my legs are about to give out if I do one more lunge. Seriously, if you want a good motivation, just keep repeating to yourself, “Jedi Never Quit”, and you’ll be running that extra mile in no time. I’m serious. Try it if you don’t believe me. But the Jedi mentality has also allowed me to take a deep breath when things don’t always go as planned (like with this video…KNOCK ON WOOD before something terrible happens.) I’m going to get everything accomplished and with time to spare. I swear by it. I may only get to be Maid of Honor once in my lifetime, and I’m going to do it right.

I totally deserve these!

That is my Jedi oath…at least for the next 2 weeks

My real oath until the day I die.

Wing-Woman Needed

Nostalgia. So many feelings came rushing back to me in the course of an afternoon, I don’t know where to begin. It was an afternoon of observations. Observations of interest, some of my own intellectual notice, and some are just plain silly thoughts.

Spend a moment or two inside my head…

“Saying that men talk about baseball in order to avoid talking about their feelings is the same as saying that women talk about their feelings in order to avoid talking about baseball.”

So here’s the deal then, Deborah Tannen, one who has taken to demystifying the mother tongue. I need someone to talk to about my feelings.

Quite an intelligent woman

Prepare yourself: My mind is about to be unleashed…

Here the thought bubbles come…

Back in high school. Remember freaking high school? I was named Most Spirited during my senior year. Decked out in red, white and blue, and now I’m decking out in maroon and gold. But what do I miss most about heading to the football games? A football cheering buddy. Someone who high-fivedme, yelled at me when I was cheering too close to their ear, and someone who poked me in the shoulder whenever they caught sight of a nice pair of buns in tight football pants.

The more outrageous the outfit, the better the spirit!

No way in hell would I go back to high school. Too many raging hormones in myself and in every one else. Literally. High schoolers, especially high school girls, are bat shit crazy. I used to be one of those bat shit crazy girls.

Mean Girls. Enough said.

I went all during high school without a boyfriend. Well, that’s not true. Me and the smartest boy in class were a couple for a while there. Then. I headed off to Australia for three weeks over the summer, and I came back and blatantly didn’t know where we stood. Neither did he. So what did we do? We ignored each other. Bam. No boyfriend for me. Did I really care at the time? Hell no! I was a freak of nature who had big dreams of being a Hollywood starlet by 18. I had bigger things to worry about.

I have some reading to do.

My unfulfilled dream? I always wanted to date an athlete. To wear his jersey, to cheer him on during each and every game, maybe share a celebratory kiss after their glorious win. Pointing to the Jumbotron, and screaming, “That’s my boyfriend!” Mostly, I just wanted to wear his jersey during game days. I don’t need to tell you how good I look in a football jersey. Throw in an awesome, messy up-do and I am rocking the athletic look.

He can be an Olympic athlete. That’d be fine by me.

I miss sports. Being a part of a team, and still being my own self. Bringing my own flair and charm to the court, and letting out my rage. Seriously, I miss dominating on the tennis court. The self-hating attitude when I didn’t run fast enough? Not so much. However, I sure had nice, lean legs from all those sprints…

Bring on the timed sprinting drills.

There was a kid practicing parallel parking in the lot next to where my car happened to be. I stood there and recalled my days of practicing the same thing, except with hay bales my dad set up for me in our front yard. The advantages of living on a farm. An overabundance of hay bales.

Literally everywhere you look.

You know what else I miss? Showing cattle at the county fair. Getting up at 4 am to wash my cattle sucked since they only ever had freezing cold water for us to use, but the early morning nap I’d reward myself with after everyone was fed and settling into fresh bedding was worth it.

It’s always 20x warmer sleeping next to your show cow on a chilly evening

I always feel more beautiful whenever I set my feet back on the farm ground. When I feel more beautiful, I feel like I can conquer the world. Thanks to two special bartenders last night (you know who you are, lucky reader.)

Smouldering eyes included.

Wearing power suits, clicking high heels out of the elevator, my own office, and a full lunch hour where I could actually LEAVE to get things done…I love it. I love my new job. Returning to the old stomping grounds was a treat, although I had to remind myself not to go behind the front desk and get to work.

I get to wear outfits like this to all my meetings!

An even better treat? Seeing everyone I used to work with. Oh yes, this included my two favorite bartenders. A Cosmo on the house, and throw in a glass of Riesling? I’m down even more so. Getting walked to my car reminded me of a few things. How much I miss having friends of the male sex, how to be treated like a lady, and the spark of intrigue that lights my gut when certain glances are thrown my way.

Oh yea, the zinging sensations are still very much there.

Oh yes, I’m asking for trouble and the scenarios have been played out in my head. Thank goodness my fingers don’t have minds of their own when my cell phone is around. But wouldn’t it be great if there was a tap on my sliding glass doors, pull back the curtain and there stood Josh Duhamel? He seriously makes me oozy all over with lust. Have you looked into those eyes? Probably not since you’re wrinkling an eyebrow at me wondering what the hell it feels like to be “oozy with lust.”

First my jaw would drop…and then I’d open the door, and not stop touching him.

I don’t like being alone, and waking up from dreams where I’m being showered with love and affection to a world where I am so incredibly alone in the romance department is terrible disheartening. It could be said that I have loved and lost. It’s true. A break-up means losing one you love in a very special way.

It’s over, and it’s literally ripping me a apart right here, right now.

My heart may still be hurting a year later. Ridiculous, yes. It’s been a year. Yet, the world has decided to throw more couples than I can handle in front of my face and it makes me hate myself a little bit more. And the wedding engagements on Facebook. I may delete my account until the new year.

Seriously. Another one?

Stay strong, Jedi. There is someone out there for all of us, The road is simply longer and lonelier for some of us.

God bless the broken road.

Everyone Gets One Day to Feel Absolutely Awful

I’m probably going to regret these words in the morning, but here goes nothing: I feel disgusting.

If my soul had a face, this is what it would look like.

Yep, I sure do. Why, you might be asking yourself? Why would someone who eats less than 1500 calories a day (naturally) feel disgusting in her own flesh and skin? I’m putting myself through hell right now, that’s why.

I’ve signed myself up for 8-weeks of fitness classes and tomorrow is the first Wednesday class. Not so bad…until you realize it’s at 7 am in the morning. Yup, you heard me right. That early in the morning, and then I have a full 8-hour day ahead of me. What am I going to do when it’s not yoga? I sweat on a very manly level, and what happens when we get to kickboxing or step?

Give it a hi-ya!

I’m going to be soaked, and I’ll only have 20 minutes to look presentable for my office afterwards. I just need my hair to cooperate one morning a week. That’s not so much to ask, is it? We shall see how the next two months play out.

I can’t see!

On top of everything else right now, I opened the oven to remove my single-serve pizza and the heat blast not only fogged up my glasses with steam, but it also melted my mascara to my eyelashes and I could feel them stick to my upper eyelids. Ugh I’m just a mess right now!

“To be a star is to own the world and all the people in it. After a taste of stardom, everything else is poverty.”

Those are the words of Hedy Lamarr, who is quite the scene stealer herself. Why do these words ring true to my soul? I’m not making a fuss over myself right now because I feel like I’m lacking my ‘star quality.’

Drop dead gorgeous

Oh, what am I saying? I’ve been telling myself for a while that I’ve lost my personal sense of stardom. I used to be the star in my own life. Friends,  many invitations to hang-out and party, money to spend on books/clothes/music, and I would look in the mirror and actually like what I see. Now? I usually tell myself one of two things: 1.) You’re looking a little dark around the eyes (from lack of sleep, no doubt), or 2.) Damn that hair/make-up smudge/rebel eyebrow hair.

Or I feel like I’m bloated up like a pink Oomp-Loompa

Do you see a problem with this? I’m not looking in the mirror and saying how beautiful I think I am. Inside AND out. I’m not doing that. I’m not looking at myself and seeing something beautiful. I’m looking at myself and seeing a sad sack of lumpiness.

I’m not kidding. Does this make me sound terrible self-deprecating or what?

Because I love myself a little too much.

Don’t get me wrong. I have my good days where I look and say, “Hey. I’m looking pretty dang good right now, and that lip gloss is totally banging.” (Okay, maybe not that last part.) You get what I mean.

I’m also sitting here watching Glee (and the terrible drama that is Rachel Berry losing her virginity to Jesse James of vocal adrenaline), eating a cheese pizza along with sour cream and onion chips. I went shopping instead of going to the gym like I had originally planned.

Ugh. Gag me.

Fat is what I’m feeling right now. I am so not getting my insurance money back from hitting my gym visitation quota this month. Not unless I kick myself in the butt. And, I mean kick my butt seriously. Yoga at 7 am is one thing. Going to the gym 8-12 times a month is a completely new beast.

I also meant to cook dinner tonight (Cue evil looks from my sister for not following through on that exclamation of the night. I’m sorry, but you were upstairs doing whatever with your fiance, and I had a headache and just didn’t feel like cooking tonight! I’ll do it tomorrow, damn it!)

It’s not like I was going to make a gourmet meal or anything.

For right now, I’m just going to settle down with my pizza and watch the rest of this virginity drama. Then, I need to hit my sheets (not for that reason!). I have to be up early to get my yoga on.

Steady…steady

Yoga is the mind-settler of the Jedi. It lets you connect all that is around you, and all that is within you. It might sound like mumbo-jumbo, but it actually works.

If you don’t believe me? Try it yourself. If you let yourself go and lose yourself in the movement, you might feel the connectedness, too. But, seriously.  Just try it.

The Force and I are one.

Dating for Dummies

Dating. I’ve never had such a nasty taste in my mouth after saying a word.

Such a nasty, gargling foam in the back of my throat. Ack…

Don’t get me wrong. I’d love to be in a committed relationship. I’d love to have someone to cuddle and call whenever I was feeling blue. I would more than certainly love to have someone to say “I love you” to at the end of every phone conversation. But the road I need to take in order to get there? Yeah, I may need a breath mint right about now since this taste in my mouth is getting worse.

According to an article on Thought Catalog, Tom Hanson tops the list of most perfect fictional boyfriends. I heartily agree!

Maybe I’m at a point in my life where I’m content and need to focus on me. Or, like many other women, I’m sure, it’s scary to think about dating. But, wait…what about those dates I went on with New Guy, and a few other chosen males in the past year or so since my ugly break-up? What about New Guy’s Best Friend who keeps things interesting with he occasional text here and there? About the gushing cries of “omg I really like this guy, oh man I can’t wait to go out again?”

Yeah, I think I was still in a phase of the break-up. They were all very nice guys, the ones I went out with (until they pulled a very douche bag move and made me change my perspective on the male race entirely yet again.)

I might have to draw a line somewhere.

There are nice guys out there. I know this. Everyone knows this. They’re not just going to pop out of the ground like gophers and say, “I’m a nice guy! Date me!” No, I’d certainly be in a fantasy world if that were the case. I think I’m tired of looking for them. Come on, what sounds better? Sitting on the couch, watching the TV show YOU want to watch, eating an entire bowl of extra buttery popcorn without having to share (and no one poking your waist, giving you a hint to watch the caloric intake), and the fact you look like crap with your hair up in a loose ponytail and a large, polka-dotted headband holding the loose hairs out of your eyes? No one cares! Your roommate might say something, but hey, it’s your roommate, and we’re friends. Tell her to go eat another Ding-Dong and get back to your show.

Ah, go shove it up your arse!

Then there’s the primping and the prepping for who knows what kind of night. Will you go to a nice restaurant? Will he pull a 180 and take you for a walk instead? Is it just a coffee date? If it’s dinner, what do you order? Not  a salad, because let’s face it, we all know I like to eat. But not a steak or a burger…too messy. Hair up? Down? Jewelry…too much could be a bad sign, but not enough could show you might not care at all. Plus, you have to shave your legs, tweeze the eyebrows, gloss the lips, and make the eyeliner perfect. Perfume can’t be too heavy, but it shouldn’t be too light so he literally puts his nose into the crook of your neck to try to catch a whiff of something other than B.O. and sweat.

Guys, you have no idea what we go through!

Attractive, isn’t it?

“Dinner is a waste on a first date, because you don’t want the guy to se how much you can really eat. He’ll find out soon enough I can put my entire head in a Haagen-Dazs tub.”

I love your words of wisdom Maryellen Hooper, a professional leg puller. Seriously, what is considered the “right” thing to eat when out on a first date? It’s a question I don’t think any one person can truly answer with definite confidence. Maybe Cosmopolitan magazine, but sometimes I wonder if they test their own advice. Buffalo chicken wings on a first date? Um, no thank you.

On top of everything, she’s a gorgeous goofball.

The date isn’t over yet, meaning the panic should only be setting in. You’ve made it through dinner, he’s walking you to your door (or maybe you’re still sitting his car!) He reaches a hand over, places it on your knee. You turn to say good night face-to-face. Omg, is this the part where he kisses you good night? What if none of this stuff happens and there is no kiss good night at all? Multiple reasons could be true, but if you had a good time and he’s cute, you’re not going to think logically at this point in time. Instead, you will be calm, cool, and collected on the outside (like any great woman would be), but on the inside, you are screaming, crying, smashing your purse against the door the minute it shuts behind him….Lots of crazy action no one should ever be privy to.

Never ask to see a girl’s closet unless you already live with her.

Dating is a lot of panic, a lot of heartache, and a lot of waiting. It’s so much easier when you’ve known the person, and suddenly, it’s not dating. You’ve just become the couple you’ve always felt like you were. There’s no more questioning, and it gets to be fun saying, “I have a date tonight!”

I miss getting to wear outfits like this, and caring so much about a single outfit.

I haven’t had a night like that for some time. Know what? I’m okay with that. I need to figure me out in so many ways yet. If Mr. Wonderful should pass me on the street and ask me out, I won’t decline the offer. You never know, he might be my Special Someone. He could be the next on the long list of guys I’ve been out on a date with. You just never know.

Wish he was a part of my dating history…

The Force likes to keep us guessing…or it likes to remind us that relationships aren’t exactly the Jedi Way. But if I can successfully hold a steady relationship with Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, I can certainly keep a steady relationship with the right guy.

Hello, my two fave Dairy men in the world.

In the meantime, I’m enjoying the start of fall and the month of September, and here are my fave things about this month:

- Textbooks

I do miss finding that rare textbook I actually liked reading.

- Campus

Walking across the campus of your college is a feeling one doesn’t forget anytime soon.

- Cafeteria

Any place that gives out food is okay in my book.

- Teachers

I still might want to be one…

- Dormitories

Living in the dorms is an experience I will never forget…but I wouldn’t live in those little rooms again if I had to.

- Autumn Leaves

Absolutely breathtaking!

- Football

I can’t lie…I love watching muscular men pound each other to the ground over a tiny pigskin ball.

It’s hard to believe this month is practically over already. That’s what happens when you’re having fun…and pinpointing all the possible ways why I am still a single woman in this day and age.

Far too many reasons…I just need to stop my brain from thinking.

HA! I know the real reason. Men are scared of me, plain and simple. I know I’m a lot to handle, but you know what? If there’s a guy out there who can handle me without thinking he can tame me, we’ll get along just fine. I just have to wait for him and I to cross paths.

Where’s the Jack in my life? Is he coming? Will he draw me?

In the meantime, this Jedi is going to keep being real…and that means eating what I want in whatever quantities I want.

Salmon sounds good for dinner, doesn’t it?

Or maybe even a nice pair of rabbits with potatoes, eh Sam?

If My Brain Wasn’t Encased in my Skull Already…

To sum it all up, it’s been a rough week, and only to about to get a lot harder.

I’m having another minor surgery in less than 3 hours. More tissue samples need to be taken, and since this is the second time I’m going through this same procedure, they’re going a little deeper than before. To really see what’s going on with my body and the evil little strands that want to tear it apart.

I will not let you win, evil demons!

Let’s just say I am not looking forward to my afternoon.

On top of that, I’ve been really flighty-minded, and have totally spaced on every important date I’ve needed to remember for the past couple weeks. So, of course, I forgot to ask for time off when my part-time “fun” job posted this week’s schedule, and I was out-of-town the whole previous weekend, leaving me absolutely no time to find someone to switch shifts with me.

Would either of you like to switch with me?

So…I’m getting cut into and then have to stand on my feet for about 4 hours after that. I’m in for such a good sleep tonight. Any type of painkiller I can find, I’m going to be knocking it down the hatch, that’s for dang sure.

“My whole life has been absurd.”

The words of Holocaust survivor and post-minimalist sculptor, Eva Hesse. I’d have to agree with her. My life has been one bump, turn, and 180 flip since the beginning of time, and it’s going to stay that way. I just know it. I like to look at it as a curse and a blessing all wrapped into one big hug from the universe.

Doing her thing with the minimalism.

But I don’t want to think about the curses, I want to think about the good things. Like how I spent this past weekend cuddling the cutest toddlers anyone could ask for. Or how I was able to spend time with my brother and sisters, my mom and dad, and laugh and giggle like we used to when we all lived under the same roof. How I cried as I told them what might be happening with me, and how they all told me they were behind me no matter what happened.

You’re friends are with you Aragorn.

Just thinking about it right now, I have tears threatening my eyes. I love my family, and God help anyone who tries to hurt them while I’m still living and breathing. A bit dramatic, maybe. But the meaning behind the words still stands the same whether I’m smiling as I say it or not.

A little behind the times (when am I not?) but here are the things that made my past week oh-so-fabulous, and I promise the next few times I come to share with you, you’ll find me in a much happier, more upbeat tone. That…I can promise. I don’t like feeling like a big bunch of yuck the moment I wake up. I just don’t. So…happier times ahead.

Here are my Fabulous Fridays:

Fabulous Proclamation:

Fabulous Fairy Tale Photograph:

Magical.

Fabulous Feeling:

Finding that perfect Fall-colored path and feeling a warm sweatshirt against your skin as you walk.

Fabulous Boots:

Katniss’s boots are still hands-down the best I have seen.

Fabulous Giggle:

Fabulous Theme:

There’s just something about the Roaring 20s.

Fabulous New Bag:

Sturdy and durable.

Fabulous Accessories:

What gal wouldn’t love those boots

Fabulous Laugh:

Next summer on the beach…

Fabulous Tumbler:

Make every beverage a little more epic

Fabulous Fall Look:

Seriously…how pretty are these?

Fabulous Idea:

How cute are these for getting ready the morning of the wedding?

Fabulous DIY:

Made out of a hula-hoop, draping cloth over, and a hook on the top to keep it standing up straight. How darling!

Fabulous Laugh Take 2:

I LOVE her.

I hope you all had a great weekend, and send the Force my way. I could use a little extra help in the next couple of hours, if you can spare the time to send a good thought my way.

We’re all busy people.

Guess what? So am I?

May the Force be with you.